BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

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BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

  • Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
  • I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
  • If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
  • Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
  • In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
  • Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
  • Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
  • Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
  • Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
  • Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
  • Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
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BWAHAHA 12/27 – 1/2:

j0309664BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/27 – 1/2: I was too busy enjoying the post-holidays to do jack this week. I ignored Twitter and television and just enjoyed my time with Suzie and my friends. I threw a New Year’s Eve party to ring in 2015 with my favorite people. We sang karaoke, drink alcohol, ate some goodies, and had a generally awesome time. I even got to do a bit of storm chasing!

2014 will certainly be missed, as it was a good year, but I’m looking forward to what 2015 brings to Suzie and I as we continue to grow together. So enjoy the tiny bit of shit I did this last week…

OTHER STUFF:

  • 2 shots Whipped Cream Vodka, 1 shot Amaretto, 30 drops Frostbite Hot Sauce, fill rest of cup with lemonade. BAM! You’re welcome.
  • Turn your keyboard upside down. Now shake it. A lot. Ewww…. you should do that more often.
  • My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
  • Seen on Facebook, “And I highly doubt that it’s the sun that actually causes cancer.” I’m weeping for science education right now.
  • While my keyboard is getting a bath and drying, my temporary keyboard is driving me crazy since I’m not used to the keys and layout.

Into the Storm: A Review (Sort of)

Into the Storm

I watched Into the Storm Friday night in Huntsville, Alabama.

There has been a lot of criticism online about the science in Into the Storm. I do not get that criticism. If you want accurate science then watch a documentary on The Science Channel. To the critics of the science, you do realize you are watching a work of fiction, right? It’s called fiction because it’s NOT MOTHERFUCKING REAL!!!!

20140809aTo be fair, there was some accurate science in the movie (perhaps 60% or so) and some relatively accurate scenes. But again, that is irrelevant because it’s a work of fiction, as in not reality.

The cast of the movie is almost all unknown actors and actresses, except Rick’s Wife. You know, Rick’s Wife, from The Walking Dead. It’s hard to really say she’s known since everyone knows her as Rick’s Wife from The Walking Dead, who is dead and no longer on the series. She doesn’t even appear as a figment of Rick’s imagination anymore. However, given that she is an experienced actress, she did do the best acting.

Essentially this movie plays like a SyFy Original, but better than a SyFy Original. This isn’t Sharknado or Megaduck Versus Platysharktocrock. It plays like a SyFy Original because it’s all unknown actors, and you know it pretty quickly. However, that’s not really meant to be a knock of the movie: all the unknown actors do a pretty decent job. For example, when the kids are making the video before they’re about to drown, you’ll actually well up a bit if you have any decent about of humanity in you. That scene is in the trailer, so I didn’t spoil anything, so quit being a weenie and shut up.

The CGI of the tornadoes is really good. It’s so good that I have to wonder if someone didn’t invent the software for CGI tornadoes and then someone decided to make a movie around the CGI instead of the other way around. When you have this new awesome CGI effect, you have to show it off and up the ante a bit, so the tornado goes through fire and creates a firenado, which is really beautiful and looked very similar to an actual fire whirl. That also means you have to put multiple tornadoes on the ground at once, but to do that you have to violate the science and have four of them in close proximity for camera view, and science criticism begins in 3… 2… 1… (Oh shut up, you purist, and just enjoy the show). Although I have to admit, I’m still trying to figure out why this small town in Oklahoma had a major international airport with giant airplanes that could be swept into the air and explode… but I forgave them of that because it was awesome (no spoilers, that was in the trailer to you big baby).

20140809bThe movie has its funny moments and comic relief where needed (especially the redneck chasers). Most of it is timed well, some of it not, but that’s actually more than can be said about most movies that try to inject humor into drama and action.

The bottom line is that I was entertained and enjoyed myself. Maybe more so because I’m a storm chaser and likely injected a bit of confirmation bias during my viewing of it (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to the screening). If you want to see action, shit blow up, tornadoes, cars and buildings fly and get torn apart, and really good special effects, then watch this movie. If you’re a scientific purist who freaks out when anything is wrong in a work of MOTHERFUCKING FICTION, then you should stay home and lock yourself in your room to be safe from the real world and all forms of entertainment that violate physics. We’ll all be better off for it.

I give Into the Storm 3 out of 5 stars.

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Watch the trailer:

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

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I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

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140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts...

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She's never fully recovered from that experience.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We'll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

BWAHAHA: 3/15 – 3/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/15 – 3/21: This week has been a fun and hectic week for me. My girlfriend is trying to kill me with exercise. I keep telling her that she’s not on my life insurance policy, but she doesn’t seem to care. On the bright side, I’ve lost another 1/2” off my waist (or my ass, I can’t tell). Oh, and fuck you anti-vax morons for causing the Measles to come back to NYC.

3/16

Training today’s cheerleaders for tomorrow’s Zombiepocalypse.

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#Cosmos gonna piss off the Religious Wrong again. That happens when you live on faith instead of science.

Oh for fuck’s sake, will someone please kill Lizzy! #TWD (Oh, thanks, much appreciated!)

3/17

I miss California quakes. I don’t miss 24/7 news coverage of people who “lost a tile in their ceiling.”

I wonder if Fred Phelps will have a deathbed conversion… (like gay sex with a male nurse)

Wearing a condom during a fertility festival seems kinda blasphemous.

#earthquake and #luckoftheirish are both trending. Are those two things related?

I don’t know if Flight 370 was hijacked or not, but conspiracy theorists have certainly hijacked the story.

Why are you craning to go to war? What’s the rush, huh?

Politautoeroticasphyxiation: conservatives who don’t realize the GOP they love is actually strangulating them.

#TWD birthday gifts!

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Today me buddy O’Laden ‘n I formed Clan O’Kayda and we drank Irish Car Bombs all day!

3/19

Smurficide almost complete!

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Smurfette Gusher

“Pardon me, sir. Would you happen to have some Grey Poupon?”

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Critical Eye Podcast E042: If You’re Gonna Go Big… Go BigIkeComedy!

Someone needs an anger management class and an addiction rehabilitation center.

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Well, at least he’s wearing shirt and shoes… so he gets service.

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Republican Fire Department responds to a fire at a house owned by a “mooching non-tax-paying” citizen.

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3/20

I was surprised to find out that “The Best of the Cutting Crew” was more than just a CD Single.

If you want to celebrate Fred Phelps’ death, do it by signing petitions and getting involved in gay rights activism. [Not funny, just real.]

“It was cheaper than on the base,” stated LT Rogers.

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We do what we want… (photo by me)

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When you’re tired of enforcing the rules… (photo by me)

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Sweater vests should be de-regulated! #RepublicanHipster

“My beer already tastes like piss, so what’s a little de-regulation gonna do? ” – #RepublicanHipster

3/21

I’m amazed at how many people don’t know that the One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater is a penis.

Life can be tough for a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo. (Props to those that get it.)

The more I think about it, the more GayOz Theory makes sense.

Okay, now the military is starting to creep me out…

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Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Kindergartners wanting to participate in College.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like Mario Kart wanting to participate in the Indy 500.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like garden slug wanting to participate in a Triathlon.

Creationists wanting to participate in Cosmos is like T-Ball wanting to participate in the NBA, MLB or whatever acronym represents baseball.

Gotta remember that I’m not 20 anymore. Let’s just say I’m not as flexible as I used to be.

I don’t think that sign means what the think it means. (photo by me)

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