This week on Twitter (3/15 – 3/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/15 to 3/22 (posted in order of Tweets). One of my jobs got canceled and I was extra bored… so spent more time than usual on Twitter.

3/16

#WeWereCoolUntilYou told me you like Yanni.

I hate proselytizing felines! #Evangelion

#IfiWokeUpInANewBugatti I’d check the back seat for Caroline Mulford.

3/19

Prison rape. #GrandTheftAutoMemories

Saw this: #SarahPalinDoes and misread it as #SarahPalinDies. Oh well, they can’t all be good news days.

I’m hotter, and probably wetter, than Sarah Palin on a game preserve. #SarahPalinDoes

#GrowingUpAsABlackKid was really hard, especially since I was white.

When your morse code dashes are shaped like penises: #GuyCode

3/20

No problem accessing the al’Aqsa mosque since he’s Muslim! #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

While there, he should get stoned… by Palestinians. #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

He’s totally Kosher! #ObamainIsrael

Did he bring his Star of David Axelrod? #ObamainIsrael

Glad to see Obama concentrating. #ObamainIsrael

#ObamainIsrael, it’s hot as an oven!

#ObamainIsrael, what a gas!

Finally going to see if he can walk on water! #ObamainIsrael

“I can see #ObamainIsrael from my back yard!” – Sarah Palin

Pope Francis “dazzled” by girl: boys issue sigh of relief.

Snow on first day of spring: climate change deniers have premature orgasm.

WI closes nude beach on weekdays. Naked mole rats plan protest.

“$10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” – K-Mart

“Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.” – K-Mart

Headline: “Arctic gets greener as climate warms up.” So when do we stop calling it the Arctic?

Red Tide killing manatees in Florida: University of Alabama denies involvement.

Voice of Elmo gets new allegations of sex abuse. This Fall, on PBS, Sexame Street!

Headline: “Emma Watson not locked into 50 Shades of Grey.” Yeah, more like shackled, chained, and ball-gagged.

Messiah Mobile #ObamaLimoNames

Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni #ObamaLimoNames

Afghanipimpin’ #ObamaLimoNames

Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right. #ObamaLimoNames

My Set List for tonight (time allowing): Stinky Simon, Poopy Chutes & Male On Deck, Pink Palace, and My Sex Tape.

Wow, that set list actually went over well in the redneck bar. LOL

3/21

Conservatives outting themselves as prejudiced bigots so I know who they are. #WhyISmile

#ImSoUsedToHearing shit come out of Republican mouths, that I carry Wet Wipes with me at all times.

3/22

Were you really a warrior? #AskScandal

Women who hold farts all day just release them in spurts while sleeping: a whole new definition to motorboating.

MTV killed the video star. #RetroMTV

Girls holding their farts in. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsEver

After having rough sex with a paleontologist, she discovered that her vagisaurus.

This week on Twitter (3/8 – 3/15)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/8 to 3/15 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent the weekend in Wichita, KS unplugged mostly and neglected Twitter & Facebook. Thanks to Skeptics of Oz for a great time and letting me do standup for a bunch of heathens!

3/11

Two hyenas escape San Diego Zoo and are recaptured, but not before terrorizing neighborhood by repeatedly saying Mufasa while laughing.

Illinois lawmakers proposed a bill banning lion meat in food: they should call the bill Born Free.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know what the Dewey Decimal Classification is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you don’t have a stick up your arse.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know who Lew Moxon is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf we’re at a costume party.

I like putting Shrimp on the Barbie. Barbie’s a stripper I know. #OutbackChat

#first30songsonshuffle so can I try a different dance now? Maybe #next30songsontwist?

#mixupmykitchen contest? Who needs a contest when a tornado can do it for you?

A new personal record! Blocked by two hash tag creators in one hour! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

3/12

One would think male Country & Western singers and male Rappers would get along better given their equal treatment of women.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen our ancestors clubbed women and dragged them by the hair. Yeah, it was wrong… but it made sense.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen the left was actually left and the right wasn’t driving off the crazy cliff.

#ImEasilyAnnoyedBy blue laws. I should be able to take care of my blue balls any time I want!

3/13

#SomeDayiHopeToSee a meteor impact, as it’s the only natural disaster I haven’t been in.

#SomeDayiHopeToSee Monty Python’s Killer Bunny eat Paul Ryan’s face off. And King Arthur will say, “That rabbit’s dynamite.”

Libertarians drone on and on about the powerful marketplace of ideas. Do they know their ideas lost in that market.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope When Pope Attacks. Earth is invaded by Popes with a cruel sense of humor and love of boys.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope Needs Women” – Martians needed them to mate… the Pope needs ’em to stop Catholic sexism.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope In Pink” – Story of the Pope’s first prom and his brand new dress. #HabemusPapam #WhiteSmoke

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “It’s a Pope Pope Pope Pope World!” – Well, at least the media would have us think such.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Il Diavolo a Sette Popas” – The Devil thought he had 7 Popes. Turns out he had all of them.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Dawn of the Pope” – #WhiteSmoke toxins raise the dead and the Vatican gets its apocalypse after all.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Planet of the Popes” – Story of man’s fall as he becomes too stupid to think for himself.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Twilight Saga: Breaking Pope” – Glittery vampires take over the Vatican and looking better than Pope dresses.

I voted for Pontius Pilate. #WhiteSmoke

Note: Hipsters and atheist jokes don’t mix. Nasty vagina jokes: like pouring PBR into the meat under their beret-covered tangled hair.

3/14

I wonder if you rub a boy’s penis long enough if it will generate #WhiteSmoke

I’m sorry, but your sister is nicer to me. #BreakUpLines

I was drunk. She was drunk. The horse was drunk. Hey, shit happens. #BreakUpLines

If I wanted to go spelunking, I’d go into an actual cave. #BreakUpLines

I found out the EPA has a warning out on your vagina. #BreakUpLines

Jesus returns: modern Christians crucify him. #SixWordFilmPlots

Republican admits homosexuality: no one surprised. #SixWordFilmPlots

Drone takes out Congress “by accident.” #SixWordFilmPlots

Jesus returns: only National Inquirer notices. #SixWordFilmPlots

Zombie2pacalypse: 2 Pac returns from dead. #SixWordFilmPlots

MacClane sex heart attack: Die Hardest #SixWordFilmPlots