This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/15 to 3/22 (posted in order of Tweets). One of my jobs got canceled and I was extra bored… so spent more time than usual on Twitter.
#WeWereCoolUntilYou told me you like Yanni.
I hate proselytizing felines! #Evangelion
#IfiWokeUpInANewBugatti I’d check the back seat for Caroline Mulford.
Prison rape. #GrandTheftAutoMemories
Saw this: #SarahPalinDoes and misread it as #SarahPalinDies. Oh well, they can’t all be good news days.
I’m hotter, and probably wetter, than Sarah Palin on a game preserve. #SarahPalinDoes
#GrowingUpAsABlackKid was really hard, especially since I was white.
When your morse code dashes are shaped like penises: #GuyCode
No problem accessing the al’Aqsa mosque since he’s Muslim! #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm
While there, he should get stoned… by Palestinians. #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm
He’s totally Kosher! #ObamainIsrael
Did he bring his Star of David Axelrod? #ObamainIsrael
Glad to see Obama concentrating. #ObamainIsrael
#ObamainIsrael, it’s hot as an oven!
#ObamainIsrael, what a gas!
Finally going to see if he can walk on water! #ObamainIsrael
“I can see #ObamainIsrael from my back yard!” – Sarah Palin
Pope Francis “dazzled” by girl: boys issue sigh of relief.
Snow on first day of spring: climate change deniers have premature orgasm.
WI closes nude beach on weekdays. Naked mole rats plan protest.
“$10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” – K-Mart
“Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.” – K-Mart
Headline: “Arctic gets greener as climate warms up.” So when do we stop calling it the Arctic?
Red Tide killing manatees in Florida: University of Alabama denies involvement.
Voice of Elmo gets new allegations of sex abuse. This Fall, on PBS, Sexame Street!
Headline: “Emma Watson not locked into 50 Shades of Grey.” Yeah, more like shackled, chained, and ball-gagged.
Messiah Mobile #ObamaLimoNames
Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni #ObamaLimoNames
Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right. #ObamaLimoNames
My Set List for tonight (time allowing): Stinky Simon, Poopy Chutes & Male On Deck, Pink Palace, and My Sex Tape.
Wow, that set list actually went over well in the redneck bar. LOL
Conservatives outting themselves as prejudiced bigots so I know who they are. #WhyISmile
#ImSoUsedToHearing shit come out of Republican mouths, that I carry Wet Wipes with me at all times.
Were you really a warrior? #AskScandal
Women who hold farts all day just release them in spurts while sleeping: a whole new definition to motorboating.
MTV killed the video star. #RetroMTV
Girls holding their farts in. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsEver
After having rough sex with a paleontologist, she discovered that her vagisaurus.