BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

• Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife

• 

  Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

• If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
• More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
• Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
• Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
• There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

• Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

• 

  And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

• 

  Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

BWAHAHA: 10/19 – 10/25

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/19 – 10/25: Getting closer to Halloween when all the kids empty into the streets to take candy from a stranger: you know, something we tell our kids not to do the rest of the year. Around my house there is no trick-or-treating. My area has been taken over by Trunk-Or-Treat, the Christian answer to the Satan’s holiday. I find that more dangerous than taking candy from a stranger… but that’s just me.

10/19

I should put this sign on the front door of my house.

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices.

Hot chocolate, French Vanilla creamer, and walnut brownie milkshake. Just because.

10/20

If Republicans want regulations on the vagina, then shouldn’t they put the EPA in charge of it?

10/21

I’m going to open up an automobile repair shop and call it The Carmacy.

To fuck conspiracy theorists, I’m going to open up a pharmacy and call it Big Pharma-C.

When going up a hill, there’s this thing called gravity you have to overcome: SO PUSH THE ACCELERATOR!!!!

If you’re 80 and doing 45 in a 65 and scared by the cars passing you: you shouldn’t be driving.

If you stop 100 feet short of the white line at a red light: you have a depth perception problem and shouldn’t be driving.

You really shouldn’t stand behind me. I’ve been eating chorizo & huevos for three days straight.

Necrophilia: the desire to have sex with a Republican.

Because someone challenged me to do it. Oh yeah, MS Paint skills… still got ’em! LOL

And here is why that picture happened:

Blair Scott: “Although, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a shrimp’s head.”
Are we still talking about food or sex now?

JS: LMAO food!

Blair Scott: Thread derailment successful.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Take that G W Bush!

JS: bwahahaha
And unlike his, yours actually was accomplished! Good job!

Blair Scott: Now I just need a picture of me on a flight deck with my little shrimp head.

JS: ROTFLMAO!!! You could always use photoshop for that!
Go do it now. I wanna see it!!

“Crime of Passion” sounds like something your Dominatrix would accuse you of before spanking your ass.

10/22

Gotta stop playing so much #GTA, it’s affecting my real life! At least I have car and home owner’s insurance! http://fb.me/2htG6irAm

My Internet is down! Nooooooooooooooo!!! This is how Zombiepocalypse starts.

Oooh, she’s a real redhead. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?

Maybe the ACA lines wouldn’t be as busy if FOX reporters would stop calling it to test it.

Satan is just a horn in my side.

Gotta go to bed. I’m head-bobbing at my keyboard. The last time I did that I woke up with QWERTY on my cheek.

10/23

That helicopter was flying low enough that it shook my house. Thanks Obama!

Pepper Jack cheese in chili is awesome, but it does kinda make the chili look like vomit. Bon appétit!

Church in Alabama to raise 23-story cross. Six months from now we’ll all be speaking different languages again…. http://fb.me/1LIXLpplG

I know more atheists who converted to theism for a girlfriend than theology. Vagina: more powerful than gods.

I’d be more impressed with the KKK if they didn’t wear hoods. If you’re going to be a bigot, own up to that shit!

The firing range says I can’t use targets that depict humans. I guess I wasted that money on Miley Cyrus posters.

Agree to have sex with an entire up-and-coming band and #seetheworld for free!

I have my Be Secular shirt and Reason Rally hoodie on. I’m seculayered!

I keep hearing people talk about the plutocracy… but how is that possible since Pluto’s not a planet anymore?

Aimed for the trashcan, hit the side. Now there’s blueberry lemonade all over my kitchen floor. Thanks Obama!

10/24

I hereby pause the Internet for 8 hours while I sleep. That is all.

You know your sex life is bad when you have to give a Roofie to a blowup doll.

Critical Eye Podcast E039: Halloween Show with comedy guests Emery Emery, Mike Lee, and Pat O’Dude!

10/25

I’ve learned over the years that most cases of “FUCK YOU!” translate as, “I DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH!” Exceptions granted.

Sign I created for the Halloween Party.

Just sayin’…

So many parties…

100 Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar…

My aunt died in a ferocious penguin attack. That’s why I don’t watch Batman.

A prostitute asked me if I wanted to open Pandora’s Box. I was confused until she told me her name was Pandora.

As we drew closer I looked deep into the mosaic of your eyes. As they came into focus I realized I was looking at different colors of bullshit.

Relaxing to some Incubite! Well, maybe relaxing is the wrong word. Let’s just say my head’s flinging all over the place.

BWAHAHA: 10/12 – 10/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/12 – 10/18: It’s hard to be funny when you’re in the ER suffering from Acute Cholecystitis. They ruled out gall stones and now suspect that my gall bladder has just stopped functioning. Everyone says I won’t miss it, but can they really say that without knowing the relationship I have with my gall bladder? What am I going to do on Valentine’s Day now?!?!?! Then I get out of the hospital and my friends spring a surprise wedding on me. Oh gee, thanks for reminding me about my relationship with my gall bladder! Bladder, blabber, blather!

10/13

Scientia, Liberate Tute Me Ex Inferis. Gratias Agimus Tibi.

I either fall for fool’s gold or try to get the platinum I can’t afford. Ah, the joys of being single.

10/14

So I took the “Who Are You In Star Trek” quiz and Captain Kirk returned as the answer. It said I was “over the top!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING STUPID SHIT?!?!?!?! Fine, you wanna find out who you’re like, go ahead and take the fucking stupid lying quiz!  Oh wait, they said I was a natural leader, well garsh, that was awfully sweet of them!

Shouldn’t Columbus Day be Vespucci Day? You know, after the guy America is named after: Amerigo Vespucci.

Welcome to the United States of Columbia… after Chris Columbus. Wait… it’s the Americas, after Amerigo Vespucci. Umm….

Still single. Thanks Obama!

I listen to music loud in my car. Drivers next to me look irritated, then smile as they think, “At least it’s not rap.”

10/15

The should replace physical torture that’s something more effective… THIS:

Ever notice that the people who demand people “speak English” are ones who can’t?

Wait, you mean we’re not named America after Leif Americson?

It’s hard to be metal when playing a keyboard.

I bank at Redstone Federal Credit Union here in Huntsville, Alabama. And they had this on their front page. Because people are stupid and think that because they have the word Federal in their name, that the bank will be closed. UGH! It irks me even more that they’re so polite about it. I would have put, “Yes, you fucking morons, we’re open – because we’re your fucking credit union and not a government entity! So stop fucking calling customer service and asking you dolts!” Then again, I’m an ass.

As an atheist, I’m in awe and wonder at the asininity of #Oprah.

10/16

My #debtceiling is two inches above the ground.

10/17

That weird moment when you’re alone in the house and your toilet flushes on its own.

Armored car at the bank, and I’m like, “I could take that!” Then I remembered I wasn’t at home playing GTA5.

BWAHAHA: 9/28 – 10/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/28 – 10/4: So the government shutdown this week after some moron ironically read us Green Eggs and Ham. My VA check was delayed, causing me to eat Ramen noodles for two more fucking days! But hey, I got to land a 747 on a short desert runway thanks to GTA5!

9/28

“This house is clean!”

“[Jesus] didn’t walk around all willy nilly just passing out free healthcare to those who were sick, or food to those who were hungry…” – Ted Cruz. Um, didn’t Jesus heal the sick and feed the masses? #StupidRepublitards

I wanted to pull my carpet up before the party, but waxing really hurts.

Here’s to using ride-on mowers as large mechanical rakes!

In the 5th grade a girl saw my penis and said it was too big. I wonder if she thinks the same thing now that she’s 42.

9/29

The penalty flag giveth, and the penalty flag taketh away.

I watched the season finale of Breaking Bad. Now I don’t have to watch five years worth of it.

I joined Christian Mingle for shits & giggles. I left Christian Mingle with fits and fizzles.

Why should I symbolically adopt a tiger when I can shoot one instead? I want to try out my new camera. #WWF

9/30

In movies, lava bombs only hit the roads that people are using to escape. Then stop once the people die. Volcanoes hate people.

If my VA disability doesn’t post to my bank in 23 minutes I’m going to get mad and yell at the TV. That’ll teach ’em!

Can we use the money we’re saving during the shutdown to fund recalls of Republicans and special elections to replace them?

The best part of a shutdown is our legislators still get paid. And that’s important because we love them so much!

Worried about government rape? No biggie, they’ve got ways to shut that whole thing down.

So now that the government’s shut down, can we start behaving like Somali pirates? #LibertarianUtopia

The government is shut down and people aren’t getting paid… what, Miley Cyrus has a new video out? Where?!?!?!

10/1

They put ’em down and teabagged their victims! Then I realized it was Washington and not on my FPS MMO.

The best part about a Dictatorship is that only a coup can shut that government down.

In US, we shuttin’ down… In Soviet Russia, they Putin On the Ritz!

This is one time I hope the kids take their ball and go home, because their rules are stupid. #Republitards

I think the Republicans have been playing too much #GTA5. Look at ’em goin’ all gangsta on the gummint!

Insert rude, obnoxious, facetious, sarcastic, and blasphemous atheist comment here.

So my VA check didn’t get deposited. Fuck you very much Republitards.

10/2

RIP Jack Ryan: Marine, CIA agent, President, and all-around awesome fictional character.

10/3

Hurricane Karen says, “Shutdown? I’ll show you a fucking shutdown! No money for FEMA, aw, too bad!”

10/4

The sign said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Didn’t say anything about No Pants. (Picture from Tosh.O)

Doing my part to piss off Conservatives!

“Only web sites necessary to protect lives and property will be maintained.” Um, isn’t NOAA necessary for just that?

This week on Twitter (3/15 – 3/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/15 to 3/22 (posted in order of Tweets). One of my jobs got canceled and I was extra bored… so spent more time than usual on Twitter.

3/16

#WeWereCoolUntilYou told me you like Yanni.

I hate proselytizing felines! #Evangelion

#IfiWokeUpInANewBugatti I’d check the back seat for Caroline Mulford.

3/19

Prison rape. #GrandTheftAutoMemories

Saw this: #SarahPalinDoes and misread it as #SarahPalinDies. Oh well, they can’t all be good news days.

I’m hotter, and probably wetter, than Sarah Palin on a game preserve. #SarahPalinDoes

#GrowingUpAsABlackKid was really hard, especially since I was white.

When your morse code dashes are shaped like penises: #GuyCode

3/20

No problem accessing the al’Aqsa mosque since he’s Muslim! #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

While there, he should get stoned… by Palestinians. #ObamainIsrael /sarcasm

He’s totally Kosher! #ObamainIsrael

Did he bring his Star of David Axelrod? #ObamainIsrael

Glad to see Obama concentrating. #ObamainIsrael

#ObamainIsrael, it’s hot as an oven!

#ObamainIsrael, what a gas!

Finally going to see if he can walk on water! #ObamainIsrael

“I can see #ObamainIsrael from my back yard!” – Sarah Palin

Pope Francis “dazzled” by girl: boys issue sigh of relief.

Snow on first day of spring: climate change deniers have premature orgasm.

WI closes nude beach on weekdays. Naked mole rats plan protest.

“$10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” – K-Mart

“Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.” – K-Mart

Headline: “Arctic gets greener as climate warms up.” So when do we stop calling it the Arctic?

Red Tide killing manatees in Florida: University of Alabama denies involvement.

Voice of Elmo gets new allegations of sex abuse. This Fall, on PBS, Sexame Street!

Headline: “Emma Watson not locked into 50 Shades of Grey.” Yeah, more like shackled, chained, and ball-gagged.

Messiah Mobile #ObamaLimoNames

Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni #ObamaLimoNames

Afghanipimpin’ #ObamaLimoNames

Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right, Back and to the Right. #ObamaLimoNames

My Set List for tonight (time allowing): Stinky Simon, Poopy Chutes & Male On Deck, Pink Palace, and My Sex Tape.

Wow, that set list actually went over well in the redneck bar. LOL

3/21

Conservatives outting themselves as prejudiced bigots so I know who they are. #WhyISmile

#ImSoUsedToHearing shit come out of Republican mouths, that I carry Wet Wipes with me at all times.

3/22

Were you really a warrior? #AskScandal

Women who hold farts all day just release them in spurts while sleeping: a whole new definition to motorboating.

MTV killed the video star. #RetroMTV

Girls holding their farts in. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsEver

After having rough sex with a paleontologist, she discovered that her vagisaurus.