BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
  • Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
  • Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
  • I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
  • Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
  • I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

  • You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • This is how the Apocalypse starts...

    This is how the Apocalypse starts…

  • Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

    Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

  • What video game is about to become real life?

    What video game is about to become real life?

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BWAHAHA 2/14 – 2/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/14 – 2/20: Alabama and some other parts of the South got dumped on this week a couple of times. Cities shut down as Snowmageddon started and the Snowpocalypse began. Sure, we give the South shit for it, but to be fair, there’s no reason for them to invest in the resources to deal with the snow that occurs rarely down here. It would just be a waste of tax dollars. So enjoy your snow day at home. Well, unless you’re like me and work at home, which means you never get a snow day – it just means you have to deal with everyone else being at home with you when you’re normally by yourself. I’ll put up a separate blog entry with all the snow pictures and videos of the roads, etc.

Valentine’s Day happened, as it always does. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day for many reasons and I was worried about having to go through the crap this year since this is Suzie and I’s first Valentine’s Day together. But nope, Suzie is amazing and all we did was have a nice dinner at home: steak and crab legs. Well, she ate the crab legs, because the only seafood I like is hushpuppies.

OTHER STUFF:

  • #‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎Skyrim‬ ‪#‎Mashup‬

    #‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎Skyrim‬ ‪#‎Mashup‬

  • I love you the same today as I did yesterday, but apparently I’m supposed to love you more for 24 hours because today everyone has VD.
  • The combination of payday, Valentine’s Day, and the coming Snowpocalypse made the stores a madhouse today. I’ll go grocery shopping later.
  • So it's going to be one of those days, huh?

    So it’s going to be one of those days, huh?

  • Finishing out Valentine’s by watching UFC with my honey. One more reason to love her.
  • Valentine's dinner. Giant steak for me and crab legs for her.

    Valentine’s dinner. Giant steak for me and crab legs for her. After careful deliberation, I decided to go with the Brontosaurus steak.

  • To warm me up, a big bowl of grits, with cayenne added for extra warmth. At least one thing the South got right.
  • Kitty doesn't like the snow. Lemme in!

    Kitty doesn’t like the snow. Lemme in!

  • Had to pick up Suzie because she didn’t want to drive in this mess. So I get to instead. To be fair, I love driving in it.
  • "It's so fluffy I could die!" ‪#‎alwx‬

    “It’s so fluffy I could die!” ‪#‎alwx‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Zombiepocalypse Tip: the rabies virus will die when cooking meat. Mmm, BBQ dog. ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬
  • The narwhal song just reminds me to not use Sprint. ‪#‎AdvertisingFail‬

BWAHAHA 12/20 – 12/26:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/20 – 12/26: My GF stumbled upon one of the best written articles I’ve ever seen written about white privilege for white people – by a white person. Remember, privilege isn’t an insult or a bad word. What’s important is that you recognize that you have it and more importantly, that others do not have it (be that white, male, class, etc). Read the article HERE.

So this week was Christmas. I’m one of those atheists who celebrates Christmas. Why? Because no one goes to the mall to sit on Jesus’ lap, that’s why. So what’d you get for Christmas? My friends and my GF got me a lot of stuff I’ll need for the Zombiepocalypse (or camping) and plenty of vaping stuff. I got a tactical vest, tactical leg pouch, 9-in-1 shovel (it comes with a fucking bayonet!), 35-LED light stick, three 10-LED head lamps, camp stove, Aspire Atlantis tank (and five replacement coils), a gift certificate to Professor Vapes (located in Madison, AL), a full body massage at the Chinese Massage place in Huntsville, and a new cutlery set for my kitchen. I did pretty damn good this Christmas!

My friends and I watched The Interview this week (no spoilers, I promise). There were some pretty good laughs throughout the movie. If you are one of my fellow liberals who was worried about a movie showing an assassination of a sitting leader, you should actually watch the movie. It’s not what you expect. I won’t spoil it, just watch it and stop jumping to the wrong conclusions. The Interview has tons of in-your-face and hidden social commentary about diplomacy, foreign policy, media, etc. The Interview is social commentary wrapped in comedy and slapstick. Don’t let the terrorists win! Watch The Interview!

I did get to do a little bit of storm chasing this week, but Alabama proved to be frustrating as always when it comes to chasing storms. At least I got to test out the new AcuRite. It’s designed to mount in your backyard, but I mounted it on the roof of my car. Worked like a champ! Thanks AcuRite!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Out and about and I left my wallet at home. Guess I’m not eating or accomplishing anything. #EarlyAlzheimers
  • Thanks to Old Time Pottery, I have more glitter on me than Tinker Bell.
  • Some Christmas music I actually like!
  • Chasing in Alabama is frustrating. If the cell doesn’t dissipate, trees block the view or farmer John holds up traffic.
  • Something to do on the next camping trip… and by trip… I mean acid trip.
  • Normally we go eat Chinese buffet on Christmas Day with friends. But we found out that Indian Palace is open today! Yep, that trumps Chinese!
  • Who ordered the rain donut?

    Who ordered the rain donut?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Tripster: a hipster in training.
  • Mutant: someone who participates in a mutiny.
  • Kumquats are amazing. It’s like a pear and a tangerine had sex.
  • At Joe Cocker’s funeral, you can leave your hat on. #RIPJoeCocker
  • Thanks to smart phones, awkward silences aren’t that awkward anymore.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I can't tell... is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

    I can’t tell… is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

  • Do you even hack, bro?!?!

    Do you even hack, bro?!?!

  • Stand back! I'm about to try a physics experiment!

    Stand back! I’m about to try a physics experiment!

BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I'm on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop... IHOP on Car.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

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OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We're all gonna die!!!!!!

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!