BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

Seahawks-wood-banner

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

  • Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
  • I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
  • If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
  • Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
  • In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
  • Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
  • Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
  • Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
  • Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
  • Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
  • Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight

BWAHAHA: 9/6 – 9/12

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/6 – 9/12: This was a fun week for me. I got to go out and help a friend celebrate a birthday. Suzie and I met our goals for the house and we had a housewarming party with our friends. I think my friends were unsure of what to expect and had a weird time at the party. For those that don’t know, my house was THE party house. It was not uncommon to have 50-60 people partying their asses off at my house. My house took one helluva a beating over the years from all the parties. My carpets were shot, there was damage to walls, etc. Suzie and I have been busting our asses to get the house back to living conditions: in other words, a house meant for something other than a bachelor. So the party was fun and we had great conversations and played a game, but it wasn’t a normal Blair party and I think that weirded everyone out.

I made a joke this week about the 9/11 anniversary. Well, technically, the joke was about the whole “never forget” stuff that everyone posts. It’s important to note that I was across the river in Seacaucus, New Jersey when 9/11 happened and in NYC on 9/10. I watched 9/11 unfold out of my hotel window: not on TV. 9/11 is something that resonates with me and still gets me choked up. But I can also make light of our fears and our sometimes misguided sense of nationalism in the post-9/11 environment. I did just that and someone told me, “You can’t make jokes about 9/11. It’s un-American.” I responded, “You can’t make jokes about Mohamed. It’s un-Islamic.” I think they got the point. Telling someone they can’t say one thing or another is actually the most un-American thing you can do. You know… Freedom of Speech and stuff.

OTHER STUFF:

When the Zombiepocalypse starts, it will spread quickly because people will think it’s a prank being filmed for YouTube.

My Dr. gave me meds for my RLS. I looked it up and it’s also used for Parkinson’s. I should’ve known, as the bottle said “Shake before use.”

My back didn’t itch until I picked up the back scratcher to move it. Stupid brain.

Wait… the Marines are a corporation? <it’s a joke, don’t get all Simper Fight on me>

I feel like there was something I was supposed to remember today. Damn… what was it? Oh yeah, I gotta wash my car or the terrorists win.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

After some serious thought for two seconds I have decided that I’m okay with the Lions beating the Giants. #NFL

Lions are like, “Rules? There are rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.” #PenaltyFlag #ArmchairQuarterback

Pop! Eye #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Bugs Bloody #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Melvin and the Cheap Monks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Gaddafi Duck #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Plastic Manboobs #SpookyCartoons @midnight

God Almighty Mouse #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Fat Prince Albert #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Witchy Witch #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Heathcliffhanger #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Trollskins #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Speed Muggy #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Slyvester & Tweeting While Driving #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Mangamonium #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Spurt Tails #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Manchichis #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Dungeons and Drag Queens #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Turbo Teen Wolf #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Muppet Rabies #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Kissyfuhrer #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Jem and the Horrorams #SpookyCartoons @midnight

King of the Hill People #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Greasy Spoondocks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Sutureama #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Strife & Crimes of Tim #SpookyCartoons @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

Spanish bowling.

Spanish bowling.

It's a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

It’s a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

Meanwhile in Alabama...

Meanwhile in Alabama…

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Ketchup... it does a body good.

Ketchup… it does a body good.

"If you didn't want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?"

“If you didn’t want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?”

"Where the drugs, man? I know you got 'em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!"

“Where the drugs, man? I know you got ’em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!”

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

When Malaysian Airlines flies over...

When Malaysian Airlines flies over…

Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s: 8/3 – 8/9

Welcome to my week attempts at haha’s: 8/3 – 8/9. This used to be called “This Week On Twitter” (TWOT) and then this last week I realized that I post on Facebook, do shows, etc., and all of that should really be included. So no more TWOT. Now it’s BWAHAHA (and the pun on “week,” (you know, as in weak) just in case your stupid ass didn’t get it).

8/3

I’m going cosmic bowling. How did I get talked into something that will likely be on YouTube tomorrow.

8/4

Watch me almost fall on my ass while bowling (YouTube)! They stopped video-taping me, but the next frame I fell flat on my back.

I like to go dancing at Charismatic churches, because no one there notices I’m a bad dancer.

Who is writing the #TrueBlood dialog now? The writers for Telemundo soap operas?

8/5

Sat. we played Predictive Cards Against Humanity: lay your white card down before the black card is read. Funny shit.

Heading to Muscle Beach at Venice to work out my new Muscle Car on the boardwalk. #TooSoon

8/7

Christian protesters at #KathyGriffin. Fuck starving kids, that suck it Jesus lady deserves our signs.

My performance at Clockwork Comedy (YouTube)

Meeting Kathy Griffin at the VBC Green Room in Huntsville, AL.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell!
Meeting Kathy Griffin at the VBC Green Room in Huntsville, AL.

Kathy Griffin introduces some random fat guy in the Green Room!

Introducing some random fat guy!
Kathy Griffin at the VBC.

Nothing says fuck the third world like urinal televisions!

Nothing says fuck the third world like urinal televisions!

8/8

While waiting for Kathy Griffin, Jeph noticed people 2 rows ahead are looking at my FB pictures and says, “Dude, you’re famous!”

The only legal #StopAndFrisk should be by strippers dressed as cops. And even then only if you ask. #StopTheInsanity

The insects are throwing a party in my yard because all the rain washed away my Traizicide that I put down.

8/9

“Live Your Life Like No One’s Watching” may be a great motto, but I’m pretty sure I’d be arrested for indecent exposure.

Headline: “Two children, pilot missing after plane crashes into CT homes” … Um, I’m pretty sure where they’re at.

Oh good grief! It’s obviously something on the camera screen!