BWAHAHA: 9/14 – 9/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/14 – 9/20:

9/14

DragonCon helped me realize I wasn’t a racist: I wanted to have sex with every female alien species I ran into.

Lot of hippies at Flying Monkey tonight. The tiny conservative in me was uncomfortable, yet slightly turned on.

Imagine how rich we’d be if we got paid to deal with drama.

May have to prostitute myself out to get the Blu-Ray Unrated Cut of WWZ next week.

9/15

Coca-Cola weight loss commercials. /facepalm

I fully expect a flood of points in the Bronco’s game.

Yeah, the Broncos need to get their head out from under the water.

 It’s like the Broncos are just dog-paddling with the current, hoping to grab a tree until a rescue comes along.

9/16

I love it when people ask us to pray after a tragedy, when their god already made it clear he don’t give a shit.

Why are people upset that #MissAmerica is an Indian-American? It’s more controversial that NY women won two years in a row! #StopNYMonopoly

Dear reporter, saying, “I’m going to ask my cameraman to shoot down this sidewalk,” sounds weird when covering a mass shooting.

9/18

With everyone talking about hookers, drugs, gangsters, etc. with #GTA5, I bet the NSA is going fucking nuts.

9/19

How come Facebook lets me “poke” but not “punch?”

9/20

@RckBeyondBelief pointed out that “Foxhole Atheists” doesn’t really apply to Navy and asked what atheists in the Navy should be called. My replies: Godless Semen, Godless of the Seven Seas, and Fleet Atheists.

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

6/22

Lesson learned from #WWZ: don’t call someone when they’re in a hostile environment. You get people killed.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: it’s not the meek, but the weak who shall inherit the Earth. Go figure. Intriguing plot twist!

Lesson learned from #WWZ: be berry berry quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: the “Tenth Man” is a fucking brilliant strategy. I wonder if it really exists?

Lesson learned from #WWZ: there’s a silver lining to having AIDS. Whoulda thunk it.

6/23

So #Snowden is going to Moscow? Should be interesting since the Russian Orthodox Church is the new #KGB.

6/24

Congratulations #JimCarrey on getting all this publicity for #KickAss2. Genius marketing!

Nobody watched #KickAss and said, “I’ll shoot up a school.” Lots watched and said, “I’ll shoot photos at #ComiCon”

Want someone to stop harassing you on a dating site? Tell them, “I have AIDS.” #LiesThatAlwaysWork

6/25

Wouldn’t it be ironic if #Snowden was the cause of #WWIII?

6/26

Weird that gay blacks have a better chance of getting married than voting now. #BipolarSCOTUS

Now that #Prop8 is officially dead, can we get back to random butt sex parties in preacher’s houses?

DOMA down! Prop 8 dead! I see two rainbows!!! What does it mean? What does it mean?

To celebrate the death of #DOMA, I’m taking a cruise and getting a rentboy.com man to carry my bags for me! #GeorgeRekkers

DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA Chameleon, you come and go… you come and go….

“Baseball, baseball, he thinks he’s gonna score. If you go all the way, then you are a whore.” – Ancient Mayan Proverb

#Snowden looks at the Departing Flights panel and see, “Life Airlines: DELAYED.” What an idiot!

Killing a Snow Harpie with a meteor was overkill, sure, but it looked fucking awesome!

Some of y’all need to seriously check your First World Privilege!

#AaronHernandez is being penalized for intentionally grounding his friend.

#AaronHernandez will be playing Tight End on the prison football team.

#AaronHernandez got his friend in the Red Zone!

With aim like that, why isn’t #AaronHernandez the QB?

Police were tipped off about #AaronHernandez when he stood on his porch yelling, “GOOOAAALLL!”

There’s a flag on the play! Referee, “Personal Foul, number 81, unnecessary roughness.”

#AaronHernandez thought NFL stood for No Friends Living.

#AaronHernandez ‘s troubles all started with Rumors.

6/27

The headline I wanted to see today: “Conservatives React to DOMA Ruling by Finally Coming Out of the Closet.”

I can’t tell if the “expandable garden hose” spam I’m getting is about my penis or an actual garden hose.

I’m going to make a new E-cig juice called DOMA: it’ll be a combination of fruits and nuts. Oh wait…