BWAHAHA 12/20 – 12/26:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/20 – 12/26: My GF stumbled upon one of the best written articles I’ve ever seen written about white privilege for white people – by a white person. Remember, privilege isn’t an insult or a bad word. What’s important is that you recognize that you have it and more importantly, that others do not have it (be that white, male, class, etc). Read the article HERE.

So this week was Christmas. I’m one of those atheists who celebrates Christmas. Why? Because no one goes to the mall to sit on Jesus’ lap, that’s why. So what’d you get for Christmas? My friends and my GF got me a lot of stuff I’ll need for the Zombiepocalypse (or camping) and plenty of vaping stuff. I got a tactical vest, tactical leg pouch, 9-in-1 shovel (it comes with a fucking bayonet!), 35-LED light stick, three 10-LED head lamps, camp stove, Aspire Atlantis tank (and five replacement coils), a gift certificate to Professor Vapes (located in Madison, AL), a full body massage at the Chinese Massage place in Huntsville, and a new cutlery set for my kitchen. I did pretty damn good this Christmas!

My friends and I watched The Interview this week (no spoilers, I promise). There were some pretty good laughs throughout the movie. If you are one of my fellow liberals who was worried about a movie showing an assassination of a sitting leader, you should actually watch the movie. It’s not what you expect. I won’t spoil it, just watch it and stop jumping to the wrong conclusions. The Interview has tons of in-your-face and hidden social commentary about diplomacy, foreign policy, media, etc. The Interview is social commentary wrapped in comedy and slapstick. Don’t let the terrorists win! Watch The Interview!

I did get to do a little bit of storm chasing this week, but Alabama proved to be frustrating as always when it comes to chasing storms. At least I got to test out the new AcuRite. It’s designed to mount in your backyard, but I mounted it on the roof of my car. Worked like a champ! Thanks AcuRite!

OTHER STUFF:

• Out and about and I left my wallet at home. Guess I’m not eating or accomplishing anything. #EarlyAlzheimers
• Thanks to Old Time Pottery, I have more glitter on me than Tinker Bell.
• Some Christmas music I actually like!
• Chasing in Alabama is frustrating. If the cell doesn’t dissipate, trees block the view or farmer John holds up traffic.
• Something to do on the next camping trip… and by trip… I mean acid trip.
• Normally we go eat Chinese buffet on Christmas Day with friends. But we found out that Indian Palace is open today! Yep, that trumps Chinese!

• 

  Who ordered the rain donut?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Tripster: a hipster in training.
• Mutant: someone who participates in a mutiny.
• Kumquats are amazing. It’s like a pear and a tangerine had sex.
• At Joe Cocker’s funeral, you can leave your hat on. #RIPJoeCocker
• Thanks to smart phones, awkward silences aren’t that awkward anymore.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  I can’t tell… is she keeping his hand warm or is he keeping her butt warm? Or is it more a symbiotic relationship?

• 

  Do you even hack, bro?!?!

• 

  Stand back! I’m about to try a physics experiment!

BWAHAHA 12/6 – 12/12:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/6 – 12/12: I’m a couple of weeks behind and playing catch-up today.

I spent the second part of my week dealing with a conservative radio talk show host who didn’t like a satire piece I wrote for the Rocket Wrangler about his racist activities (link below). I mean, I already suspected he was a douchebag for his “one man protest” of “Police Lives Matter” and his ignorance of what exactly white privilege is and how it’s NOT an insult. But then he finds out that I’m on the dais for an upcoming comedy charity event and threatens to not support the show or advertise for it unless I’m removed. Now, I no longer suspected he was a douchebag, but knew he was a douchebag. You can also imagine how disappointed I was that the charity event chose to not stand up to his bullying. Here is a man who talks shit about people every single day on his show, but let one satire piece call him out, and suddenly he’s a whiny beotch (and a hypocritical asshole). Of course he’ll never understand the irony of an anti-big government conservative out there protesting in favor of the police. His brain’s too small to process that kind of thinking. The best part about all of this is that he wanted me to come on his show and debate him. Really? You didn’t want me on the charity event but you want me on your show? Two words: fuck you. Why on earth would I come on your show? You’re clearly an ignorant racist conservative asshole who puts yourself above others (you know, demanding your way because your little feelings were hurt when someone decided to make fun of your asinine stunt) and demanding to get your way or you’re taking your ball and going home. You’re a childish asshole and there’s no way I would ever come on your show. I’ve been on Hannity a few times, Megan Kelly (I even made her throw a temper tantrum on live TV), and many others. But you? Nope. Fuck your show.

OTHER STUFF:

I do believe this app is confused.

• Grammar Nazis Are Annoying
• Because sometimes the best thing to do with stupid, is laugh at it: Radio Deejay Has One-Man Protest

• 

  ‘Murica! Fuck Yeah! Peace on Earth! And support the wars overseas! #IronicChristmasTree

• Thanks to the Punk Goes Pop series, Suzie and I finally have music we can listen to together.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  The Grand Jury decided not to indict the officer involved.

• 

  This is why cars should not be using ladders. Safety first!

• 

  Merry Dickmas!

BWAHAHA 11/29 – 12/5:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/29 – 12/5: I had the privilege this week of walking alongside my fellow human beings in the #ShutItDownHSV protest march. I can never understand what it’s like to be black in America because I’m not black. But what I can do is have some fucking empathy. What I can do is make an effort to understand the statistics and data that show racism is not over in America and that the very term “post-racial” is wrong. I can look at the data from the Justice Department and realize that something is very wrong with the system. I can read #CrimingWhileWhite and begin to grasp that as a white male I am treated differently than a black male. I can see with my own damn eyes the security guard in the mall trailing the group of black teenagers while the white kids who are actually shoplifting are left alone. White Privilege is not an insult, so don’t fucking freak out when it’s pointed out to you. Privilege is not the problem: not recognizing your own is and the worst is when you cannot recognize the lack of privilege in others. When some stupid idiot on Facebook says, “Yeah, because my Irish immigrant ancestors had tons of privilege” in their smartass denialism way, I just want to reach through the screen and smack the shit out of them. Yes, your Irish immigrant ancestors were scorned and faced tons of problems. But you know what they weren’t? They weren’t motherfucking black and they weren’t in chains picking cotton on plantations in Mississippi. I’m thinking about writing an entire blog about this issue to help my idiotic fellow white humans grasp this simple concept.

Mark your calendars for a good cause! Help out Huntsville’s homeless and get some good laughs. Donations are needed!

C’mon, help local comedy! As local comedy grows, so do the local comedians and the scene’s ability to bring in visiting comedians. Show your support and pre-buy a t-shirt! Plenty of sizes to choose from (yes, even big guys like myself).

 OTHER STUFF:

• Nooooooooooooooooooo! #TWD #TheWalkingDead Someone pass the Kleenex.
• I’m refusing to watch @AMCTalkingDead because I don’t want to cry. Seeing it once was enough trauma for one night. #TheWalkingDead
• If you didn’t watch tonight’s episode of #TheWalkingDead, you should stay off social media until you do. Seriously.
• While the books were nauseating, they were mildly entertaining, so I figured I’d give the Left Behind movie a chance. I lasted six minutes.
• Every electronic device in my house shows a different time. Even my computers. Stupid technology.

• 

  Just told my GF that I bought us a new comforter. It didn’t go over very well.

• Just busted my ass all week getting a site ready… and just now the site advises they’re still obligated for 90 days with the previous vendor. How does anyone not know this ahead of time? UGH! ACK!
• Watching some of my fellow white humans respond to #ShutItDownHSV is embarrassing. Your white privilege is showing. Just shut up. Please.
• The meatloaf I made last night was pretty spicy. After sitting overnight, it’s almost (almost) too spicy for even me.
• Why is everyone doing the speed limit and I’m at 7 over. Oh yeah, black neighborhood. I’m not afraid of being pulled over. #WhitePrivilege
• I disagree with you, so I said so on your post. Now that you’ve challenged me, I’m going to demand that we “agree to disagree.” #SMH
• I shoplifted as a teenager and the security guard just made me pay for what I stole instead of calling the cops. #CrimingWhileWhite
• Doing 100 MPH on I-95 in Hartford. State Trooper turned his lights on, then waved “thanks” as he passed me. #CrimingWhileWhite
• Why is it so hard for some adults to understand the concept of Civil Disobedience? It’s not a hard concept to understand. It’s simple.
• I’ve deleted the annoying Facebook Messenger App on my phone. Fuck that stupid piece of shit. That means if I’m not at my desk, I won’t respond to PMs. Text me instead or just fucking wait until I get home.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Raise your fist in solidarity with feminism! #FemiFisting
• NYPD should implement Stop, Drop, Roll & Frisk. That way they’re educating people while violating their rights. #ICantBreathe

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

• The Household Cats #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Constables #SoftenABand @midnight
• 4 Hot Blondes #SoftenABand @midnight
• Oxygen Supply #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Alan Parsons Condominium #SoftenABand @midnight
• Indigenous Ant Farm #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Modern Toys #SoftenABand @midnight
• Audiopaidlabor #SoftenABand @midnight
• The B-52 Vitamins #SoftenABand @midnight
• Black & Yellow Winged Insects, Geeze! #SoftenABand @midnight
• Tiny Country #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Birthday Cuddle Party #SoftenABand @midnight @TBMassacre
• Visionary Melon #SoftenABand @midnight
• Happy October #SoftenABand @midnight
• Quietown Rats #SoftenABand @midnight
• Toddler George #SoftenABand @midnight
• Corey Myocardium #SoftenABand @midnight
• Crash Test Nerds #SoftenABand @midnight
• Spacious House #SoftenABand @midnight
• Still Kickin’ Kennedys #SoftenABand @midnight
• Echo & the Funnymen #SoftenABand @midnight
• Stay In Line Boy #SoftenABand @midnight
• Satiated Lucy #SoftenABand @midnight @hungrylucy
• Iggy Slight Ping #SoftenABand @midnight
• Joan Jett & the Kindhearts #SoftenABand @midnight
• Johnny Adores Jazz #SoftenABand @midnight
• Kate Clean Shaven #SoftenABand @midnight
• Love and Hot Pockets #SoftenABand @midnight
• All Systems Check Parade #SoftenABand @midnight
• Men At Casual Play #SoftenABand @midnight
• Men Wearing Fedoras #SoftenABand @midnight
• New Centrists #SoftenABand @midnight
• Papa Lovebug #SoftenABand @midnight
• Pop Will Lick Itself #SoftenABand @midnight
• Skinemax for Pyros #SoftenABand @midnight
• Advanced Radio Gods #SoftenABand @midnight
• Puddle of Perrier #SoftenABand @midnight
• Elegant Minds #SoftenABand @midnight
• Siouxsie & the Crying Ladies #SoftenABand @midnight
• Sweet’n Low Ray #SoftenABand @midnight
• Life Tendencies #SoftenABand @midnight
• Mumbling Heads #SoftenABand @midnight
• It’s Now Tuesday #SoftenABand @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Coming to theaters this Spring… CUJO 2: Let’s Play Fetch

You know, that elephant wouldn’t be bothering you if you shot and killed it and made utensils out of its husks.

In a surprising twist, police sprayed protesters with ReddiWip. One protester said, “It’s like bukkake, but better.”

Tensions in North Korea mounted today when the NK Navy threatened to throw rocks at US Navy ships.

Introducing the new iScratch&Sniff from Apple. We didn’t make it for porn, but we know that’s what you’ll use it for.

OMG, The Cute, it hurts so bad!

BWAHAHA 11/22 – 11/28:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/22 – 11/28: Racists didn’t fail us this last week and easily identified themselves for deletion, unfriending, blocking, etc. Look, I don’t care if you think Darren Wilson was innocent or guilty. I really don’t. But what I do care about is if you’re so fucking stupid that you actually think he’s a hero. I also care if you’re referring to rioting black people as “animals” but when white people destroy a city after their favorite sports team wins or loses, you refer to them as “stupid drunk kids.” I don’t care if you have privilege, because there’s nothing wrong with privilege, per se, the problem is when you don’t recognize your privilege and you don’t recognize the lack of privilege in others. If you think because you grew up in a trailer park with an alcoholic redneck dad that somehow you’re not a privileged white male… well, you’re a twit who doesn’t understand how privilege actually works and you’re making an ass of yourself. So just shut up. Please.

I spent most of this week avoiding social media to avoid getting pissed at idiots. Also because of Thanksgiving. So I didn’t participate in any Caption Central, #HashtagWar, etc. So… small blog entry this week. I hope everyone had a safe and awesome Turkey Day!

OTHER STUFF:

• I’m a magnet for these morons. It’s as if they don’t see me. This moron not only pulled out in front of me, but pulled so far out into the center lane that it looked like he was going left and I was in the clear. Then… turns right in front of me. Luckily I was paying attention and didn’t hit him.
• I’m on a woo woo train heading to Wooville. Definitely getting off at the next stop. Okay, can’t get off that easy, someone send Steven Segal to come rescue me. I’m totally under siege.
• White privilege rearing it’s head in stupid Facebook comments in 5… 4… 3… 2…
• I was feeling a little down yesterday and needed a pick-me-up. So I called a taxi.
• After dusting the furniture, my Man Card was restored when I saved the day by fixing the vacuum. ‪#‎SexistChores‬
• I think I’m the only one actively using ‘Ello. It’s like talking to myself in there.
• Reminiscing back to the days when Hip Hop was actually good and I was breakdancing in Junior High.
• I hate that stores are open making people work on Thanksgiving. I just bought a cherry pie at Kroger. ‪#‎SelfAwareHypocrite‬
• Enjoying the Cloupor T8! Hits great with massive clouds. #ForeverVaping

BWAHAHA 11/1 – 11/7:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.

I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.

Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!

OTHER STUFF:

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.

Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr

Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”

I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.

The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.

My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead

I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight

Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight

‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight

George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight

John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight

Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight

Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight

Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight

Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight

It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE

Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Republican Fire Department

“Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C’mon, don’t be shy boys!”

Here honey, let me get that for you…

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?