BWAHAHA: 9/13 – 9/19

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/13 – 9/19: This was a pretty boring week overall. Slow work. Slow days. Slow weather. Slowly rebuilding my levels in Skyrim after I accidentally deleted my level 80 Argonian. I’m actually putting this together at 1:30 in the morning Thursday night/Friday morning because on Friday afternoon my girlfriend and I are heading to Rock Island State Park to enjoy the trails and waterfalls. It’s always nice to get away. Thanks to a friend (you know who you are) for staying in our house for us. We clean up our wet spots, so please clean up yours. Thanks!

I’m no longer hyperlinking the hashtags and Twitter accounts I reference. Copy & paste you lazy bastards. (Yes, I know… I’m a lazy bastard as well.)

OTHER STUFF

Just passed an 80+ yo female Asian driver doing 20 under the speed limit in a handicap-tagged Lotus. I should play the lottery today.

How to tell Macaroni Grill isn’t a real Italian restaurant: They’re using a parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ to promote flatbread.

Dear Mother Nature: You’ve ignored me now for almost two weeks. Please send storms. I’m bored. Storm Chasing Cabin Fever! Thanks! Love ‘ya!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The Best of the Vest #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Archiecrombie & Fitch #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Cavewoman: Missing Ink #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Atom the Catatonic #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Black Furry #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Bullwinkle & Rocky Shores #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Danny Blazer & Corduroy #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

The Beach House of Yang #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Catwoman/Vampirella Weekend: The Furies #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Batman: Through the Cooking Class #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Silver Age: Going Green With Lanterns #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Pabst Beer Drinker #HipsterComicBooks @midnight (Yes, Rudolph had his own comic book)

Judge Dredding the Day #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Lobo Goes to Hollister #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

Samurai Jack Kerouac #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

The Further Adventures of Indiemusic Tones #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

My Namedropping is Chaos #HipsterComicBooks @midnight

George of the Jungle Washington #RuinAPresident @midnight

Thomas Jefferson’s Moving On Up #RuinAPresident @midnight

John Quincy Adams, Medical Examiner #RuinAPresident @midnight

John Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad White President #RuinAPresident @midnight

Abraham Lincoln Logs #RuinAPresident @midnight
In modern times it would be Abraham Lincoln Blogs

Private Benjamin Harrison #RuinAPresident @midnight

Theodora Roosevelvet #RuinAPresident @midnight

Franklin “The Big D” Roosevelt #RuinAPresident @midnight

Harry Truman Show #RuinAPresident @midnight

Jimmy Welcome Back Carter #RuinAPresident @midnight

Ronald Regan MacNeil #RuinAPresident @midnight #Exorcist

George H. We Got Bush #RuinAPresident @midnight #RevengeOfTheNerdsQuotes

Bill Ha Ha Clinton-Dix #RuinAPresident @midnight #GreenBayPackers

Charles, You’ve Got Some Gall! #RuinAPresident @midnight #GoingFrench

Saint Nicolas Sarkozy #RuinAPresident #GoingFrench @midnight

Nelson Played the Mandolin #RuinAPresident #CivilRights @midnight

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer Yeltsin #RuinAPresident @midnight

Vladimir The Impaler Putin #RuinAPresident @midnight

The Lone Planker #PirateTVShows @midnight

What’s Me Line, Matey? #PirateTVShows @midnight

Deckgunsmoke #PirateTVShows @midnight

Have Rum, Will Travel #PirateTVShows @midnight

Leave It to Deck Fever #PirateTVShows @midnight

Davey Jones and Goliath #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Jolly Roy Rogers Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Red Skeleton Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

Captain Kidd Kangaroo #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Sea Stooges Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

Cap’n Knows Best #PirateTVShows @midnight

Neat the Tress #PirateTVShows @midnight

Rawhide the Treasure #PirateTVShows @midnight

Days of our Knives #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Beverly Swillbillies #PirateTVShows @midnight

Kill Again’s Island #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Flintlockstones #PirateTVShows @midnight

My Three Guns #PirateTVShows @midnight

Mister Jolly Rogers’ Neighborhood #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Sea Monkees #PirateTVShows @midnight

Saturday Deck Fight Live #PirateTVShows @midnight

Knots Banding #PirateTVShows @midnight

M*A*S*H for Dinner (Again) #PirateTVShows @midnight

Ship’s Wheel of Fortune #PirateTVShows @midnight

Starsky And Dutch East India Company #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Poppet Show #PirateTVShows @midnight

The Golden Pearls #PirateTVShows @midnight

Ferried… With Children #PirateTVShows @midnight

Sails from the Crypt #PirateTVShows @midnight

Water Taxi #PirateTVShows @midnight

Mystery Pirate Theater 1700 #PirateTVShows @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Beware the Chihuabber.

Beware the Chihuabber.

You realize, after posting on social media, that your friend's armpit makes it look like you're naked.

You realize, after posting on social media, that your friend’s armpit makes it look like you’re naked.

FOUND HIM!

Now all the Christians can stop asking me if I’ve found him, because I FOUND HIM!

Clearly huge fans of The Sound of Music. 

Clearly huge fans of The Sound of Music.

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BWAHAHA: 11/30 – 12/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/30 – 12/6: I got to spend most of the week in Monroe, Louisiana and Cleburne, Texas (just south of Dallas). And all the driving in between. I left cold weather and arrived in the upper 70’s. Then had to bail quickly before Snowmaggedon or Snowpocalypse started. I left Shreveport, Louisiana right as the cold front was starting to come in and it was 54 degrees. Ten miles later is was 72 degrees. Weather is just fucking weird.

And then there was the sickness. I got horribly sick. I spent the night in Cleburne in a hotel room shaking uncontrollably in a shitty bed, curled in a fetal position, and struggling to breathe. I probably should have gone to the ER, but I have these things called testes which prevent me from going to see a doctor unless another homo sapiens with ovaries is there to insist that I go. Fucking evolution. It was 80 degrees outside and I had to turn the heat on to 85 in order to stop shaking and finally break my fever. I woke up in a pool of sweat so deep that the next night’s customers were going to be sleeping in my wet spot.

On the way back home at the rest area at mile marker 299 on the I-65 in Alabama, a Christian approached me asking about my license plate and the atom vinyl on my hood. He said he was Church of Christ and loved how science proved the Bible. Oh boy… here we go. I asked him to give me one example and he said Noah’s flood. He immediately began to defend his statement when he saw the “Are you fucking serious, you moron?” look on my face. He tells me how science has proved a regional flood, so therefore Noah’s flood was real and therefore science proves the Bible. Okay, so science has indeed found evidence of a regional flood stemming from the Black Sea area that caused massive flooding to reach the Nile. That regional flood occurred 2,000 years after the estimated time of the Noachian Flood. So I asked him, “Science found a regional flood, not global, not 9 cubits above the highest mountain, and no Ark with two of every species, right?” He replies yes. “And this proves a biblical global flood with an Ark carrying two of each species how again?” He didn’t really have an answer for that. He then goes on to tell me that he gives his brother crap for being a biologist and not accepting evolution and that he himself loves science. Then he says American Atheists is doing a great job and to keep up the good work. I left that conversation more confused than he did.

11/30

The jokes are just coming out Fast & Furious tonight…

I wonder if they finished filming Fast & Furious 7 yet…

Someone should have been more Walker and less Driver.

12/1

Was Paul Walker driving the tank? #TheWalkingDead

12/2

Tuscaloosa looks depressed today. I wonder why? Oh well, driving on.

Alabama in my rearview. Mississippi in my windshield. talk about frying pan to fire.

Arrived safe and sound. That’s if you can call Monroe, LA “safe”or “sound.”

12/3

Hotel customer asks if there is a bookstore close by: staff sends him to WalMart. /facepalm

Twelve minute wait for a spicy breast at Popeye’s? Yep, worth it.

Does anyone actually know how to drive in Texas?

Eating nothing but cough drops and Advil is a good diet, right?

12/4

Man, Advil & cough drop farts are the worse!

My body wants to sleep, but my mind is like, “Fuck that, let’s do a one-man show in your head!”

12/5

If I ever own an apartment complex, I’m going to call it Fleur d’Lease.

That’s it, I’m installing a rocket launcher on my car!

Personally, I thought the Mandolin died centuries ago, but everyone seems pissy about it today. Weird.

District 9 was the best documentary about pre-Mandela South Africa.

Diplomatic Immunity!
Just been revoked.
(Mandela joke in disguise)

Every time someone says I pissed in their Wheaties, I take a shit in their oatmeal for good measure.

I was saddened to hear that the actor who starred in Driving Miss Daisy died today. South Africa just won’t be the same without him.

People give preppers shit, but preppers aren’t complaining about the power being out or stores being closed right now.

Some people have sticks so far up their asses that their breath smells like acorns.

I dated cougars when I was in high school. Did I mention I went to Canyon Springs, home of the Cougars?

12/6

Grocery shopping complete!

Yakasobi

Comedians are pretty much truthful liars.

A lesser know historical figure was Jack’s twin brother, John the Mender.