BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.
- I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
- Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
- Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
- Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
- My favorite Indian food is tacos.
- I think Michael’s might be confused.
- Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.
- From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
- Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
- I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
- Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
- I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
- If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. #GuiltyOfProfiling
- “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
- If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
- When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
- My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
- Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
- One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
- I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
- When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
- Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. #Played
- I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
- Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
- Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
- Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
- Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
- Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
- A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
- Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
- Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
- I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
- If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the #PeopleOfWalmart web page? Let’s rethink this!!
- I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
- Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
- It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
- Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. #MotherNatureHatesMe
- The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
- If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
- When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
- Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
- I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
- Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
- Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
- I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
- The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:
- Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
- The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. #MothersDayFail
- Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. #WrongSideOfHistoryAgain
- Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. #WhitePrivilege #ChaserProblems
- How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol #HippieHeadquarters #SomeoneSaveMe
- I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. #LivingVicariously
- I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage