BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

• Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
• Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
• Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
• I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
• Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
• I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

• You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  This is how the Apocalypse starts…

• 

  Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

• 

  What video game is about to become real life?

BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…