This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.

7/22

Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.

7/23

America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.

7/24

On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
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Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

7/25

#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31)

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31): Only two more months to go to get caught up! You know you love it!

5/26

It’s Sunday on the mountain, which means we’re playing Tim Minchin at a high volume for all the camping believers.

For all the misbehaved children in the world, there are not enough machete-wielding Muslims.

5/27

Either that’s a bird call I’ve never heard or someone is fucking in their tent.

On this Memorial Day, find a vet and have consensual sex with them. You may just prevent a suicide. Did I mention I’m a Navy vet?

I feel human again. But I still wouldn’t recommend feeding me through the bars.

The great thing about being bipolar is convincing women they’re dating twins.

Only half of me is offended at bipolar jokes. My other half doesn’t know he’s bipolar.

5/28

Now that we can send weapons to Syria, I nominate Chuck Norris.

5/29

Conservatives will miss Marcus Bachmann: he gave ’em permission to pretend to be straight.

5/30

Shakespeare is #BadShakespeare.

#TypesOfRelationships : agoraphobic, where you’re afraid to pull out.