This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

6/2

My shrink explained my bipolar(ism), “One week you’re Keanu Reeves and the next, Gary Busey.” Point. Break.

Two birds few into my ride-on blades. One is a freak accident. Two.. that’s terrorism. Going to war with Birdistan.

6/3

Dear Turkey, please don’t let your issues interfere with my shipment of Turkish Delights. Thanks!

My girlfriend and I have a homophobic relationship: we’re afraid to do it homo sapiens style.

6/4

So glad white people are playing Indians again. Now we just gotta go back to Black Face. #LoneRangerMovie

I tried the Hip Hop Workout, but my hips just jiggled and wouldn’t hop. Oh well… back to Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

6/5

Just created a diet called Lift Off Radical Diet: the catch phrase is, “The L.O.R.D. is my strength.”

Most things we eat with a fork are easier to eat with a spoon. We don’t do it because it looks, I dunno, European.

6/7

Meat is supposed to cause SBD’s. I’ve got the D, however my B is definitely not S.

#GEICOcommercial “And how happy are they Jimmy?” “Happier than Ted Haggard in a massage parlor.”

Slut-shaming makes no sense. Shouldn’t we be slut-encouraging?