BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

He should have ran… ran so far away.

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.

Tornado Tips

A few tornado tips to help out this season:

TORNADO TIPS

• Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.
• Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.
• Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.
• Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.
• Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!
• The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.
• Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.
• Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.
• Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

Joking aside…

On the side I storm chase and report for Spotter Network (I’m getting my SkyWarn cert as well). Chasing storms and photographing them is something I’ve done for a very long time. As someone who loves science, I love meteorology. Chasing storms is fun, exciting, and dangerous at the same time, especially here in Alabama where trees and hills block your view of the storms and tornadoes at every turn. Finding a safe place with an unobstructed view is difficult.

The building we were parked next to before we drove south a few blocks. One helluva close call!

My girlfriend and I had a very close call on 4/28 where we ended up getting hit by a tornado in the car. Luckily it was just an F1 tornado. I saw the danger and was able to drive south a few blocks quickly and position the car so that the debris was hitting us from behind on the southern wall of the tornado. Where we were parked before I moved, the building was blown out and strewn across the street. Bricks and furniture lay where we were originally parked.

So remove the jokes and keep the following advice: you should have identification on you, be dressed, put blankets or mattresses over you in the bathtub or closet, keep your pets safe, have a good weather alert app or NOAA radio, get in the center of the NE quadrant of your house, get to a shelter early if you’re in a mobile home or unsafe structure, make sure your pets have collars and tags so they can be reunited with you if they are separated in the storm (our dog is a tornado rescue dog that could not be reunited with her owner), and keep your important documents in a container that will not be destroyed by a tornado (or any other disaster, such as a house fire).

Also, make sure you have working flashlights, a few gallons of water, some canned food, extra gas in approved containers, etc. in case the power goes out for an extended period. I have a propane camp stove and plenty of small portable propane tanks as well as a tent, over-the-fire grill, large 7-day coolers to put freezer/fridge stuff in, bottled water, etc. I also keep all my important documents on a small flash drive in a bug-out bag so that if for some reason my safe container doesn’t survive, I’ve at least got electronic copies of all those documents: birth certificates, divorce papers, social security paperwork, mortgage/titles/deeds, bank account info, etc.

These are all things you can do to stay safe and help recover faster if your home is hit. Stay safe this tornado season!

For more information on tornado preparedness:

• NOAA (pdf)
• Ready.Gov
• CDC
• Weather.Com
• Red Cross
• OSHA
• SPC Tips for Schools
• Weather Underground