BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.

5/24

Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.

5/25

I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence

5/28

I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.

5/29

“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”

It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.

And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.

After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.

Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.

Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.

Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)

I fatwa in your general direction!

5/30

Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.

I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?

Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?

No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!

The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff

The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.

So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…

BWAHAHA: 8/10 – 8/16

It’s BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) for 8/10-8/16!

8/10

*     Just played Munchkin for the first time. Essentially it’s Magick, but with humor and it’s slightly less nerdy.

8/12

*     #exboyfriendsbelike, “Who is this guy and why is he calling me his ex-boyfriend?”

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndWhisk: go straight to the paddy wagon.

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndFist: or as LT Smith said, “Going all Rodney King on their ass.”

*     If you get #RodeoClownObama, then I get #RodeClownJesus! Of course everyone’ll think it’s a hipster and not Jesus.

*     Well played #SesameStreet! Taking pop culture and actually giving it a positive message for kids!

*     Will you fuckers stop posting videos that make me cry! Sheesh!

*     I’m admittedly a verdant comic, but I think I may be starting to hit puberty, because I just found pubes in my joke.

*     James Bond: Tears of Allah is a well to hide nuclear weapons.
Catholic: Tears of Yahweh are insect excrement (off a tree).

*     Why are there sounds of mining coming from the mine when I know everyone just ran out because of the two ogres?

*     How can I mow the lawn if it keeps raining? Wait.. mowing the lawn is work. Never mind. Keep raining.

8/13

*     Remember when hoodie references or wearing a hoodie made you sing, “Mama said knock you out!” I miss those days.

*     IF we make sure we #StopAndFrisk white people, can we start with #MayorBloomberg? He seems suspicious.

*     Anyone know of a black or Hispanic politician who supports #StopAndFrisk? Or is it just crazy white people?

*     I mixed Orange Coke and Vanilla Coke: BAM! You’re welcome.

*     Most of the things where the M&M sings, “…but I won’t do that,” I’m thinking… yeah, I’d totally do that.

*     Does the Trivago commercial dude freak anyone else out? Is it just because he’s not wearing a belt?

*     Just realized that Steven Spielberg predicted Air Jaws way back then…

2 Seconds later… Air JAWS with Chrissie doing cartwheels!

*     I needed a new nightlight!

*     Now that’s a bonefish!

*     #MichelleObama made a Hip-Hop video for kids. In the meantime, FOX News Headquarters implodes from attempts to deny racism.

*     Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder now have to remake the song to “Chocolate & Ivory.”

*     Surfer: “It was divine intervention that I survived the shark attack.” Really? The same intervention that sent the shark to attack you?

My friend Matt Dillahunty (‏@Matt_Dillahunty) responded, “The LORD moves in mysterious ways. God is shooting at you and intentionally missing! (mostly) #ThatIsPureLove”

So I replied, “Funny, the attack in question is 2 Great White sharks: Jesus really fucking hates this dude!

*     Advertising irony of the day. Not FTB’s fault – they can’t control the ads.

8/14

*     I’d like to remind that annoying GEICO Hump Day Camel that camel tastes amazing when cooked on an open fire.

*     I have this weird feeling that my UPS package is not coming today.

*     Al Qaeda should consider pink burqas for breast cancer awareness. اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬#

*     The world is just crying out for the Al Qaeda Comedy Tour! ‫#‏اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬

Additional info on that weird hashtag: Twitter Totally Trolled Al Qaeda Last Night

8/15

*     My First Threesome

*     Homegrown Comedy had a photo contest to win two tickets to their 8/16 show. Below is the pic and my three entries:

In an attempt to recover a drop in their stock, Hot Wheels (TM) tries something new.

Svetlana shows off the new runway model fad diet. She says, “It tastes gross at first, but after a while you get used to brake dust.”

You thought the other kind of rim job you give was rough on your knees…

*     Twitter keeps trying to get me to follow Alyssa Milano. Nah, I quit stalking her when I hit puberty.

My First Threesome

NOTE: A slightly edited version of this originally appeared anonymously in The Celestial Teapot Magazine in 2013. Here is the version that was sent to them before their editing.

This is a true story. Names have been changed.

It was toward the end of the school year in 1988, and I had already turned 17. We would spend several weekends at our friend Tina’s house. Tina was a lesbian and in 1988 living in Southern California: no one gave a shit that she was. Tina’s parents were cool with it and let boys spend the night because they knew nothing was going to happen. Of course, they let girls spend the night, too… and surely they knew something was happening there?

Whenever I would crash at Tina’s, I would sleep on the floor at the foot of her bed. One weekend was pretty crazy and several friends were crashing at Tina’s house: including Anna. Anna was bisexual, and again, living in Southern California, no one cared. I think it’s safe to say that most teenage boys adored the fact that she was bisexual because they all secretly hoped that if she were their girlfriend that they could share the bed with another woman. What can you do about raging hormones and puberty? Oh yeah… that fantasy continues on into adulthood, doesn’t it?

Something woke me up during the night. I’m not sure what time it was, but I guessed around two in the morning. I opened my eyes and listened to figure out what woke me up. What I heard was the moans and groans of pleasure coming from two distinct female voices. They were close. They were behind me.

I slowly picked my head up and peered over the foot of the bed. There before me were two writhing bodies: Tina & Anna. I’ll avoid referring to them from here on out as “T&A.” They were way past heavy petting and practically sliding into home base by the time I was put into the awkward position of being an indoor version of a Peeping Tom. It should go without saying that the erection was instantaneous. You know, raging hormones and puberty and such.

I’m not even sure how much time passed when Anna noticed me at the foot of the bed. She looked at Tina and waved her head in my direction, letting Tina know I was there. Tina looked down at me and I could see the sigh in her face. I felt instant guilt for being there, guilt for staring (even though it could have only been seconds or as long as an hour), and even guilt for having an erection. Before Tina could cover up or protest, Anna said, “You know, you’ve always said that if you were going to try, you wanted it to be with someone you knew and trusted.” Anna peered down the bed and gave me a wink, and I assumed that “going to try” meant sex with a boy. I nodded back letting her know that no one would know about this. Ever. Not even when I write about it as an adult for a magazine.

Tina thought about it for a second… or a minute… or a decade… I couldn’t tell. She then said softly, “Okay.” I think I did a good job of hiding my exhilaration at that single word, but I probably didn’t. The guilt I was feeling went away instantly.

I moved up onto the bed and Anna helped me get undressed while I kissed her and caressed her already naked body. Tina was watching, curious and suspicious at the same time, but she did not flinch when I caressed her leg and inner thigh. When I was fully undressed I moved between both of them. I had seen some porn and thought for sure that I’d know what to do in this situation: how to divide my time equally, how to not pay too much attention to one woman over the other, how to not orgasm too quickly, and most importantly how to please two women at once with only one penis: how to use all my other body parts to accomplish that and compensate for my singular penis.

In my mind as I fantasized about this moment, pretty much from the appearance of my first pubic hair, the video that played in my mind was smooth and seamless with eloquent and fluid motions and rhythms. But we all know reality is different. It was slightly awkward and there were a few giggles as we tried to figure out what to do and transition from one position to another.

I’ll spare you the details of the actual sex. It was fun and sweaty and loud at times. Mostly it was clumsy. All three of us had orgasms (some more than others) and all three of us ended up lying on the bed with limbs intertwined when it was all over. I had just had the most amazing night of my seventeen years. Years waiting for what I saw on porn videos of my friend’s father’s hidden VHS stash, to happen to me. Long years. I found myself lying there thinking, “Now what?” My inner voice told me, “Don’t say a word and just lay there and enjoy it.”

Finally Anna leaned over to Tina and asked, “Well?”

Tina replied, “Meh, it was okay, but I think I’ll stick to vaginas.”

That was the answer to my “Now what?” question. It was my queue to go back to the sleeping bag at the foot of the bed. Tina and Anna continued on for another thirty minutes while I stared at the ceiling listening: wishing I was Tina.