BWAHAHA 11/1 – 11/7:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.

I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.

Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!

OTHER STUFF:

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.

Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr

Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”

I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.

The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.

My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead

I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight

Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight

‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight

George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight

John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight

Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight

Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight

Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight

Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight

It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE

Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Republican Fire Department

“Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C’mon, don’t be shy boys!”

Here honey, let me get that for you…

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?

Group Sex

The following was submitted upon request to The Celestial Teapot Magazine. They did some minor editing for the piece for brevity and space allocation. Here is the original as it was submitted:

Group Sex

Group sex is defined as sex with three or more people. That’s the technical definition, but for me personally, I’ve always separated threesomes, foursomes, and considered five or more to be group sex. And I separate them in my head because the dynamics between two partners and eight partners is drastic.

When you hear the words “group sex,” what pops into your mind? Are you disgusted? Intrigued? The concept of group sex is one of those that gives people an either/or reaction. Either they want to try it or the idea gives them the creeps. Not to mention it reminds conservatives of socialism! ICK!

Anecdotally, over the years I’ve asked my fellow men what they think about group sex and I was surprised to hear that it was homophobia that kept most men from trying it. They were freaked out that they might touch another man’s butt or worse, that a penis may touch them. ACK!

The chances that you will rub up against or be rubbed by another man’s butt are pretty high during group sex. But trust me when I say that during the heat of it, you won’t know the difference and won’t care one bit! You just need to get over your homophobia and understand that his butt is not touching you because he’s turned on by his butt touching you: it’s touching you as he’s trying to maneuver into position for some vagina action.

The most important thing about group sex (that you don’t see in porn) is communication between fellow participants. It’s important that everyone know which members are bisexual and bi-curious. It’s important to know who doesn’t like kissing or biting or tickling, etc. It’s important to know who has a preference for where you ejaculate or if we should put towels down because someone’s a gusher (do you know how long it takes to air dry a mattress!!!!). It’s also important to know who is on birth control, “vas safe,” etc. These things are important and help build trust among the participants.

Group sex comes in many flavors and styles and may not really match that fantasy image you have in your head. Some group sex is nothing more than partner swapping on the same bed. Some group sex is a mass of intertwined limbs: writhing and wiggling like the head of Cthulhu (or Davy Jones’ head from Pirates of the Caribbean if everyone’s sweaty and lubed up). And of course group sex doesn’t have to be hetero: all male group sex or all female group sex happens. And group sex for every type of sexuality happens. No matter the sexuality involved: group sex should always have one thing in common: CONSENT!

Over the years I have had some great group sex. I have had awkward group sex. I have had group sex that I felt I needed a bleach bath afterward. I really don’t recommend that: I mean the nasty group sex, not the bleach bath.

The majority of my group sex occurred when my ex-wife and I were swingers. Swinging added a whole new layer of dynamics and rules to deal with, but that’s a story for another time. In most cases, the group sex would start with everyone on the same bed and arms and legs everywhere, but within ten minutes, the group had separated into pairs: with one man and women concentrating on each other. I was always intrigued by that aspect of human sexuality: essentially turning group sex into mating pairs. Of course every now and then a hand would reach over and grope a body part of the couple next to them. Was that the groper remembering that this was supposed to be group sex or was it a reassurance to the other person; the groper letting the groped know they existed on the same bed?

I was never satisfied with the unconscious pairing that took place. I wanted to pay attention to all the women who were participating. I wanted to taste each of their vaginas. I wanted to give each of them pleasure. Group sex that worked that way was rare and in some cases, I had to be like a conductor. It always struck me as funny how willing people were to take direction during group sex. I was the conductor leading a symphony composed only of skin flutes and vagiolins. Sometimes that would mean I would be left out while conducting, only able to play my instrument every once in a while, but that was okay because I was helping others have pleasure.

One thing to remember during group sex is to not let the group dictate to the individual. Don’t pressure anyone into doing something they are not comfortable with. The swinging community had rules to protect the individual: no drinking or drugs allows (because it lowers inhibitions and we want an honest yes, not a drug-induced yes), no pressuring anyone, no means no with no questions asked or no offense taken. If everyone is conscious of this, then enforcement is easy and no one will be taken advantage of, harmed, or have something done to them without consent. Group sex should be fun, so don’t turn it into something harmful or vile.

Another thing to consider is the male to female ration involved. While ten men and two women having sex together is technically group sex, it’s really a gang-bang. Most people don’t envision a gang-bang when they think of group sex. To be honest, most men envision one man and ten women, but most men are delusional about their sexual prowess.

One thing that you need to do is put a reality check on the fantasy image you have in your head about group sex. The chances of you having group sex with a bunch of hot college coeds is about the same as getting hit by lighting three times in a single day. Sure it happens… but it isn’t going to happen to you!

Group sex will involve all body types and shapes. It may even involve drastic age differences. I was involved in a group sex session where the youngest person was 22 (my ex-wife) and the oldest person was 67. There were men and women in their thirties, forties, and fifties involved in that skin pile. So if you are a shallow person, then stick to the shallow water. But if you realize that all body shapes and sizes can be sexy and that sex is fun regardless of shape or size (or age of the adult), then dive on into the deep end and leave your floaties at home!