BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

• Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife

• 

  Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

• If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
• More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
• Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
• Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
• Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
• There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

• Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
• @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

• 

  And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

• 

  Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

• Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
• Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

• Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
• I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
• If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
• Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
• In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
• Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
• Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
• Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
• Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
• Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
• Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
• Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight

BWAHAHA: 2/1 – 2/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/1 – 2/7: I got to spend the beginning of the week in Fort Myers and Naples, Florida, where I enjoyed 85 degree weather for a few days. After being stuck in ice in the Florida panhandle and arctic temperatures in northern Alabama, it was a refreshing change. I even got a bit of sunburn on my driving elbow. My friends were mad at me for posting about it on Facebook. Jealous fuckers.

Then there was the Super Bowl. There really wasn’t anything super about it this year: the commercials sucked, the Broncos sucked (fuck ‘em), the halftime show sucked. The best part was watching the Seahawks finally win a Super Bowl after waiting 30 years for it! No, I take that back, the best part was watching all the Broncos fans whine.

2/1

Obligatory prison selfie.

I got divorced and now all my friends are getting married. You’re welcome, fuckers! #OfficialFifthWheel

2/2

I had to listen to the 1st Quarter on the radio while driving. Felt weird until I saw other drivers cheering when I did. #SuperBowl

Oh no, I like football! The horror! C’mon, sport shaming people? Really? Fuck you. #SuperBowl

Seattle Seahawks should hire Manning to be their QB, since he keeps throwing them the football. #SuperBowl

Singing America the Beautiful in foreign languages Coke? Oh, that’s gonna piss off the Conservatards. #SuperBowl

Coke sings American the Beautiful in foreign languages & now a Cosmos ad? Poor conservatards got it rough this #SuperBowl.

Anyone else remember when Halftime Shows were actually shows and not mini concerts? #SuperBowl

When did the Temptations get a new singer? #HalftimeShow

Called it! #CokeRage

Okay, maybe the Broncos smoked too much pot before coming on the field… #SuperBowl

This is just a fucking slaughter! Kinda feel bad for the Broncos… wait, no I don’t. #SuperBowl

“Is there anything more American than America?” – Chrysler
That’s a trick question! The answer is Soviet Russia! #SuperBowl

Broncos fans be like, it’s playing at sea level, the field was wet, or other excuses. #DenverChoke

So what are they going to do with all the unused Denver confetti? #SuperBowl

Donate the unused Denver confetti to New Jersey homeless people to use as insulation in their cardboard boxes! #SuperBowl

Downtown Seattle…

Chevrolet just gave a truck away to someone who could afford to buy 10,000 of them on his own. #SuperBowl

American football team Broncos found dead in their Manhattan apartment with a needle in their arm, police say.

Philip Seymour Offman

Curt Clawson (Republican Congressional candidate for Florida) just said, “I’m a baller” on the news.

2/3

Lesson Hollywood hasn’t learned yet: making good actors play evil people makes them kill themselves.

Ever notice how the loudest people complaining about “speak English in ‘Murica” are ones who haven’t mastered English themselves?

I enjoyed 82 degree weather with 62% humidity today. Even got a bit of a tan on my driving arm. #UpYoursPolarVortex!

Every time I think I’ve encountered all the porn on the Internet… someone invents a new fetish.

2/4

I feel your pain, kid. I feel your pain.

I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn today out in the 86 degree weather. #DamnYouPolarVortex!

All your bench are belong to tree.

I got nothin’… Anyone explain this?

Wait, they sell this now? WTF Kroger & Publix? Get on it!

I love how Nye keeps referring to “traditional scientists” and “how science is done out there.” #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham, if the natural laws didn’t change (because god made them), then how come rainbows didn’t exist until after the flood? #NyeVsHamDebate

Bill Nye is struggling to not make a WTF face. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, I’m going to ignore all your questions by pointing out the one question you didn’t answer. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, “Depends on what your definition of IS is.” #NyeVsHamDebate

My car has made an appearance in several people’s Facebook Lookback videos. Can’t decide if that’s weird or cool.

2/5

We always look forward to getting back to our beds after being on the road, but it dawned on me tonight that we look forward to our brand of toilet paper as well, even if we don’t consciously think about it.

2/7

12 Banshees, 8 Giant Skeletons, 8 Sekeleton Mage, and a giant Undead Dragon in one room: game’s fucking with me now.

If everyone keeps making fun of Russia over #Sochi, they’re gonna launch their nukes. You’ll start WWIII, kid!

BWAHAHA: 8/31 – 9/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/31 – 9/6: I spent the weekend at DragonCon. I really need to write a “what I learned at DragonCon” article, but I’ll probably be too lazy to fucking do it. Don’t forget that I’ll be performing 9/13 at the Homegrown Comedy Show taking place at the Flying Monkey Arts Center in Huntsville, Alabama. The show starts at 8 PM and is only $7 at the door. Oh yeah, and you can bring your own booze!

9/1

Professor Elemental is one of the nicest Brits I’ve ever met. ;)

9/2

Half of Dragoncon is spent on, “Let’s talk about what we’re gonna do.”

The sharks did the best acting in Sharknado.

Best part of Sharknado was changing the channel to the James Franco roast.

9/3

Just dawned on me that one way to end childhood cancer is to stop having children.

My doctor just diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. Either I need a new doctor or he’s suggesting I need to dump my girlfriend.

My body is like, “You know all that horrible food you ate at DragonCon? Yeah, let’s get rid of all of it in the next hour.”

A well-known singer/group doing half-assed versions of their hits while surrounded by choreographed dancers. #SuperBowlPrediction

9/4

Really? We’re bringing up Benghazi? Will someone cancel the Republitards prescription of Benghazi Viagra.

Why doesn’t Facebook have a relationship status of “Fuck It?”

9/5

Whenever I find myself in agreement with Republicans I have to ask myself, “Okay, where did I get my facts wrong?”

Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore shall we come out on the field late!”

9/6

Idiot in Alabama, “I don’t think it was a chemical attack. I think it was a pesticide attack.” Umm… what’s pesticide?