BWAHAHA: 7/5 – 7/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/5 – 7/11: I wrapped up my vacation in Arkansas and came home. It’s always good to be home. I also decided to no longer do standup comedy this week (see below for the link if you missed it), but I’ll still do the BWAHAHA because I’ll always be stupid and silly.

OTHER STUFF

“You’re not going to mass?”
“I don’t go to church.”
“This isn’t for you, it’s for John & Jane.”
“I don’t go to church.”
Vacation ends on a high note

Leaving the Scene

Wearing my JAWS shirt to the Beach Boys concert. Totally appropriate. #BeachBoys

There are more Hawaiian shirts here than were at Pearl Harbor on December 6, 1941. #BeachBoys

John Stamos is on stage with the Beach Boys playing guitar and drums. Showoff. #BeachBoys

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Canoe goes in the water, you go in the canoe… You go in the water, canoe keeps going down the river without you. #Tippecanoe #Ouch

When after a long break from gaming you can’t remember if R1 or R2 fires the weapon and you die. #LoadLastCheckpoint

The action and adventure buff in me really likes The Last Ship, but the ex sailor in me cringes every few minutes they get shit wrong.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Someone's over-compensating.

Someone’s over-compensating.

Where baby trucks come from. Our where libertarians are in charge.

Where baby trucks come from. Our where libertarians are in charge.

All officers, be on the lookout for a hit & run suspect vehicle: a red & white truck with the words Coke on it.

All officers, be on the lookout for a hit & run suspect vehicle: a red & white truck with the words Coke on it.

I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as accidental porn... but I could be wrong.

I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as accidental porn… but I could be wrong.

If only we had places like this in America, so all the racists were easily identifiable.

If only we had places like this in America, so all the racists were easily identifiable.

The ignorant are unlikely to catch the mistake, but are more likely not to buy it without a "USA Flag."

The ignorant are unlikely to catch the mistake, but are more likely not to buy it without a “USA Flag.”

Go watch a flood wearing your short shorts, because you'll never need survival gear. Nope. Never.

Go watch a flood wearing your short shorts, because you’ll never need survival gear. Nope. Never.

Best friends are willing to show the world their ass so that you don't have to.

Best friends are willing to show the world their ass so that you don’t have to.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure there's a back garage for getting car radios installed.

I’m pretty sure there’s a back garage for getting car radios installed.

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This week on Twitter (2/15-2/22)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 2/15 to 2/22 (posted in order of Tweets).

2/15

Steve Buscemi seen tied to #RussianMeteor. Unknown if he survived the explosion.

Slim Pickens finally made it to Russia only to explode in the air. #RussianMeteor

Whoever said “Sex is not a spectator sport” clearly never saw the the #SportsFilms ‘Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.’

Her vagina belongs in the NFL Hall of Fame for most balls caught in a single period. #oneofmyexes

2/16

Just submitted my application to @capefearcomedy. Hey, at least I didn’t wait until the actual last minute! #CapeFearComedyFestival

Half-assed hand job. #WaysToMakeMeMad

Engine fires, non-working toilets, onion sandwiches, shit-covered hallways, 3mph tow… #WaysToMakeMeMad

Jesus loves me… but never calls. #WaysToMakeMeMad

Twitter says I should follow LeBron James and Kelly Clarkson. Who the fuck are those people? #StupidTwitter

@Stefanelli I enjoyed both dog and cat while overseas. Cat can be gamy or sweet… just like real pussy.

Masturbating into the Mayonaise. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling Steven Seagal that I was #UnderSiege from shitty movies. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling Lou Ferrigno that he was yellow-bellied. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Saying at the Feminist Convention, “Wow, you chicks are hot!” #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Telling my g/f that her vagina looks like roast beef covered in gravy. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

Ordering tacos al cabron at the Mexican restaurant instead of tacos al carbon. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping

#ArianaTo5Million trending: I thought it was the new HuffPo Bukkake porn… disappointed it’s just some stupid singer with a nerd boyfriend.

I ordered a #HarlemShake. They gave me a Shamrock Shake. Racist McDonald’s.

2/17

One drawback to having sex with Democratic women… I feel like I just fucked the lesser of two evils.

Based on what I’m seeing God has a serious dandruff problem

2/18

I accidentally ejaculated into your sister. #WaysToRuinARelationship

“At least you’re skinnier than Gilbert Grape’s mother!” #WaysToRuinARelationship

“Oh, I forgot to tell you last night before we had sex, I have gonoherpesyphilaids.” #WaysToRuinARelationship

Why are people still posting on Facebook and Twitter? #TheWalkingDead is on! #necrophilia

Seeing ghosts doesn’t make you a #VisionaryLeader, it makes you #SylviaBrown. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

Need the #LAPD to help a #VisionaryLeader randomly kill people, I mean zombies. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

#VisionaryLeader gets all the inmates killed to make the group safer. #skillz @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead

#MindyMcReady dead… just play her song backwards and she’ll come back to life!

#IWishICouldMeet Belinda Carlisle. I make sure all women in my life know she’s a free pass. :)

If you were any more offended I could pull a giant crucifix out of your ass. #ReasonsIUnfollowedYou

2/20

Van Horn & Sawtell: the inventors of K-Y #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

Lorena Bobbit: for reminding me how much I appreciate my penis. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

Kim Kardashian: for reminding me that some day my sex tape might make me famous. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor

How We Ruined Education and Got Liberals to Take the Blame #GOPFILMS

Rapeasaurus Vaginalprobius 2: Attack of the Nigerian Muslims #GOPFILMS

Body found in water tank of L.A. hotel… that explains the meaty taste of the tap water.

I find the food in Kansas City, MO to be a little overcooked. #TooSoon

I’m very selective; I only hit black kids on a plane if they are from Abeche, Chad. The rest of the black kids have no need to fear me.

Super Mega Pod of dolphins? Well, that might explain why I keep hearing voices in my head saying, “Thanks for all the fish.”

GAO finally recognizes climate change as a “financial risk.” Yeah, fuck the planet and people, it’s the cost of cleanup that gets attention.

Univ. of Southern Miss still in shock over tens of millions in damage: vow to never play the Worcester Tornadoes ever again.

I-10 shut down for 12 hours in Phoenix after white creamer spill. Citizens relaxed after learning it wasn’t Mexican creamer. #PapersPlease

Deposited $8,062 in my account. Wrote a check for $7,950 twenty minutes later. Well, that was short-lived. LOL

Christian video games. #2ThingsThatDontMix

Finally hooking the PS3 to HD and saying, “Holy fuck, that character has shoe laces!” #PlaystationMemories

Went to buy a sweater and was told they’ve stocked spring selections. I pointed outside to the falling snow. Stupid store.

Wow, that Kansas City dry rub is explosively spicey! #TooSoon

2/21

Way too many drunks on the road for a Wednesday. Clearly not enough people are humping.

Women’s Drug Advocacy Group called for $$. Why is there a group advocating drugs for women? I guess Vaginas for Vioxx was already taken.

Joining Students Against Drunk Driving for the girls. #HighSchoolMemories

I just ordered Vanilla Ice juice for my e-cig. A brand new invention. Grabs a hold of me tightly. Flows like a harpoon daily and nightly.

2/22

Songs by #JustinBieber remind me how pathetic most humans are. #SongsThatMakeMeCry

I hate it when my cell phone is dead because I have no entertainment while taking a poo.

http://WhitePeopleMeet.com  just redirects to http://kkk.org

Post-stroke Dick Clark on TV. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsInLife #HeDeadNow

Is it bad that I want to bang The Bangles, go on the Go-Go’s, and put bananas in Bananarama?