BWAHAHA 2/21 – 2/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/21 – 2/27: I guess all that panic was worth it since Snowmageddon actually happened here in Alabama. Average snowfall for my area was 7.75″ with some places reporting over 9″. In my backyard we got 7.67″ (based on the average of five measurements on a large flat non-grass & non-concrete surface). That’s a lot of snow for Alabama. Our personal record at our house was 11.96″ back in 2011. The record for Huntsville was set in the 60’s at 17.1″. Craziness!!!! I’ll put up a blog entry for my storm chasing that day. And now we’ll likely get some more ice and snow this coming Wednesday and Thursday. Well, I guess we had it coming since we started issuing gay marriage licenses. <evil grin>

This week brought me a ray of happiness and sunshine as Jimmy did this on his show. One of the things that pisses me off the most is anti-vaxxers who espouse their ignorance every day and cause more and more people to fall for their claptrap, thus reducing herd immunity and bringing back diseases we had practically eliminated thanks to vaccines. So to see this on a mainstream show put a giant grin on my face. Way to go Jimmy!!!!

Then I found this gem. I don’t know how I missed this back in 2008, but I’m happy I found it today.

OTHER STUFF:

• This storm is taking forever to get here. From 0300 to 0900 and now extended again. If it sits over us as long as it sat over Texas, we could see inches on the higher side of the “possible.” Or it’ll just fucking rain.

• 

  C’mon… you can do it! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon! My laughter will be covering up tears if it just frickin’ rains here.

• If you work out of the home, a “snow day” don’t mean a damn thing. Enjoy your day off assholes! ;)
• A lot of people are talking about their sexual exploits from last night on social media. We don’t care how many inches you got last night!
• “I’ve noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million.” ‪#‎RIPSpock

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Momma said knock you out, Rick gonna knock you out! ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎deadbuzz‬

• 

  Wait… now I’m confused, is the ISIS Flag black and white or gold and blue? #TheDress

• 

  Look at these gold-colored starving children! ‪#‎TheDress‬

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• Playing Chicken With Doing Dishes ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight
• Oh, rents due? My bad. ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight
• What is that fucking smell? ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  That’s the appropriate level of security for those toys.

• 

  Oh look, the bathroom comes with an atheist baby changing station! (Mmm… BBQ baby!)

• 

  It’s cool ’til a drunk person stumbles and impales themselves. Of course, if it’s a good party, no one will notice.

BWAHAHA 2/14 – 2/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/14 – 2/20: Alabama and some other parts of the South got dumped on this week a couple of times. Cities shut down as Snowmageddon started and the Snowpocalypse began. Sure, we give the South shit for it, but to be fair, there’s no reason for them to invest in the resources to deal with the snow that occurs rarely down here. It would just be a waste of tax dollars. So enjoy your snow day at home. Well, unless you’re like me and work at home, which means you never get a snow day – it just means you have to deal with everyone else being at home with you when you’re normally by yourself. I’ll put up a separate blog entry with all the snow pictures and videos of the roads, etc.

Valentine’s Day happened, as it always does. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day for many reasons and I was worried about having to go through the crap this year since this is Suzie and I’s first Valentine’s Day together. But nope, Suzie is amazing and all we did was have a nice dinner at home: steak and crab legs. Well, she ate the crab legs, because the only seafood I like is hushpuppies.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  #‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎Skyrim‬ ‪#‎Mashup‬

• I love you the same today as I did yesterday, but apparently I’m supposed to love you more for 24 hours because today everyone has VD.
• The combination of payday, Valentine’s Day, and the coming Snowpocalypse made the stores a madhouse today. I’ll go grocery shopping later.

• 

  So it’s going to be one of those days, huh?

• Finishing out Valentine’s by watching UFC with my honey. One more reason to love her.

• 

  Valentine’s dinner. Giant steak for me and crab legs for her. After careful deliberation, I decided to go with the Brontosaurus steak.

• To warm me up, a big bowl of grits, with cayenne added for extra warmth. At least one thing the South got right.

• 

  Kitty doesn’t like the snow. Lemme in!

• Had to pick up Suzie because she didn’t want to drive in this mess. So I get to instead. To be fair, I love driving in it.

• 

  “It’s so fluffy I could die!” ‪#‎alwx‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Zombiepocalypse Tip: the rabies virus will die when cooking meat. Mmm, BBQ dog. ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬
• The narwhal song just reminds me to not use Sprint. ‪#‎AdvertisingFail‬

BWAHAHA 1/10 – 1/16:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/10 – 1/16: It sleeted and snowed in Huntsville, Alabama on the 15th. Northerners may find that odd, but it’s not as uncommon here in North Alabama as one would think (just four years ago we had 12″ of snow on the ground at my house). What made this event unique was not the snow and sleet, but the fact that the city did not shut down at all. No school closings. No businesses shutting down. Redstone Arsenal stayed open. Colleges stayed open. The I-565 overpasses stayed open. If you live anywhere around Huntsville, you’ll know that the overpasses staying open is a major fucking deal when it comes to getting snow and ice in these parts. So well done Huntsville, you actually didn’t panic this time and there is still bread and milk in the grocery stores.

This week was both tedious and boring. Tedious because of all the sites I’m working on and then my boss threw three more on top of me. Tons of work to do for those sites. Boring, because it’s pretty much the same work for every single site. For those that don’t know, I work with prisons and jails. Both of those have a tendency to locate themselves in small towns and rural areas. The reason they do so is because small towns and rural areas vote them in so that the inmates count as their population, thus making their state and federal tax revenue greater. Yep, prisons are a money-making scheme all around. But newsflash prisons: building in those areas makes it hard sometimes to get the telecommunications that you need. A prison in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania that I’m working on is suffering from that now. The local TelCo cannot get the circuits I need until March 31st. So much for getting their system in within 45 days of the order coming in. Sure, build for economic reasons up front, but in the long run, that shit’s gonna cost you more than you’ve got coming in.

Friday night I had the pleasure of performing at the Alright Bayou Comedy Show here in Huntsville. It was an amazing show with a great crowd and my fellow comedians were awesome. Make sure you keep up with local comedy in Huntsville by following Huntsville Comedy on Twitter or Facebook and check out the Huntsville Comedy web page as well!

OTHER STUFF:

• Habanero powder in the nose… great way to start the night. On the plus side (after 100 sneezes), I can breathe really great!
• I guess I didn’t clean off the driver’s seat well enough… I now have a piece of glass stuck in my left ass cheek. Fun times ahead…
• I always appreciate when the Oscars nominations release: it lets me know which movies I don’t want to see (with a 99% accuracy rating).
• I like how a country music station in Texas favorited my Tweet about me not liking country music.
• It’s scary how well the Internet knows me sometimes…
• Snowmageddon: We’re All Gonna DIE! #alwx

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Some of us are getting more snow than others. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  Useth thou cell to texteth thine archers to unleasheth fury upon thine enemies!

• 

  Now everyone knows that Christina doesn’t want to get married. Ever. Learn something new: Gamophobia or Anthrophobia?

• 

  Someone needs to let Mike’s Mom know he sleeps with the fishes.

• 

  We’re all gonna DIE!!!!!!!

• 

  What it feels like to put on a condom.

• 

  Charles instantly regretted wearing pink to the black tie event.

BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

“Here, let me get that for you.”

Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

BWAHAHA: 1/25 – 1/31

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/25 – 1/31: I got to travel to Florida this week: Panama City to be exact. There really is no good way to get there from my house. I had to go through suckage. And by suckage I mean small towns with really low speed limits, and then when you do get to go fast, you’re stuck behind Farmer John on his slow ass tractor or the Q-Tip driving her Lincoln 20 under the speed limit and she’s still freaking out that she may be going too fast. And when you finally get a passing lane… there are now cars coming in the other direction so you can’t pass.

I made it to Florida a few hours ahead of this year’s Southern Snowmageddon. The ice turned the panhandle of Florida into a ghost town. Of course down here along the Redneck Riviera, it’s practically a ghost town between summers anyway. Watching me fellow Southerners fail miserably on the roads across Alabama, Georgia, and Florida was laughable, but at the same time if you understand the conditions around here, it’s not as funny as you think. Or it’s funnier. I can’t really decide.

I’m working in a prison down here that is going through a contract change. Apparently the employees weren’t happy, because only four of them showed up for work. That means there is one guard for every 450 inmates right now in the prison. Scared yet?

1/26

Two days in a row I got into the car and the radio started playing Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Glad I’m not superstitious.

1/27

I wanted to be impressed by a grandma doing 95 on the interstate, then figured she probably thought she was doing 55.

Owning my hotel room.

My hotel room shower looks like something out of porn. Even has a jacuzzi.

It took thousands of years, but the Stork Theory has finally been disproved!

1/28

I say all the time, “The only seafood I like is hushpuppies.” It’s amazing how many people say, “But hushpuppies aren’t seafood!” /facepalm

Why does (R) Rep Cathy McMorris Rodgers sound like she’s reading from a children’s book? #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ third-grade reading class sure learned a lot from her tonight. #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ speech has been brought to you tonight by the Letters F and U and the Number 0. #SOTU

The one song you’ll get a guaranteed air drum out of me: In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins

I was on the Funny to the Moon podcast talking about minimum/living wage, #SOTU, and much more!

1/29

The palm fronds here have icicles on their tips. It’s cute… in a stupid ass kind of way.

LOL… Florida weather is great!

Man, the prostitutes around here are kind of bottom of the barrel.

1/30

LOL… Florida weather.

Not all parts of Alabama are jammed with stuck cars.

An Alaskan on vacation in Birmingham, Alabama.

Florida 4 wheel drive for winter: his other car is stuck in the ice.

We don’t have sleds in Alabama!

We don’t have snow shovels in Alabama.