This week on Twitter (7/27 – 8/2)

This week on Twitter (7/27 – 8/2)

7/27

When did Hardee’s become the fast food version of Cracker Barrel? Next thing you know… Hardees Funeral Home.

My sexting chat name is RU486.

Demand for apartments in Florida is so high that people will kill for them!

With so many shootings lately, maybe it’s time to bring bath salts back.

7/28

I always find it entertaining to see everyone in their Sunday best walking around in Kroger.

I like confusing church-goers on Sunday: I drive around in my ATHE1ST mobile while blaring Echoing Green on my radio.

Apparently the #GoldCupFinal is a tie between two girls.

7/30

If insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly with the same results, what does that say about the 40th vote to kill Obamacare?

7/31

#Smurfs2, wait, there was a Smurfs1? How did I not hear about what had to be the greatest film of the decade?

#Smurfs2, Smurfette finally meets Naughty Smurf: he totally smurfs that smurfing smurf.

8/2

I was feeling lonely, so I Googled pressure cookers, backpacks, nails, and explosives so the FBI would visit me.

Given Russia’s new anti-gay laws, I’m surprised they’re still hosting the Olympics: the gayest thing on the planet.

In Soviet Russia, stripper girlfriend is Zoya, the female agent who strip searches you.

1 in 5 women now choose to be childfree. That’s good news to single men on dating sites.

The Post Office wants to start delivering booze through the mail. That’ll raise the bar a bit!

Bars are dumping Stoli in the street to protest Russia. In other news, homeless people are lining the gutters.

The Smithsonian wants to display Trayvon’s hoodie. Probably in the Air & Space Museum to show off bullet aerodynamics.

Poll: Majority of Americans support “stand your ground.” In other news, majority of Americans are white.

Taiwanese lawmakers exchanged punches over a proposed nuclear power plant: showing US Republicans what an actual “nuclear option” is.

Genetic “Adam & Eve” identified. Still no word on the snake.

“Permission to cum aboard sir!” – best gay pickup line ever!

I say “bin Laden” in most of my phone conversations at least once: doing my part to keep jobs at the NSA.

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.

7/22

Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.

7/23

America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.

7/24

On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
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Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

7/25

#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.