BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife
  • Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

    Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

  • If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
  • More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
  • Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
  • Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
  • There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

  • Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • 1. The 1 driver you'll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don't want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

    1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

  • And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI'd all their stunts.

    And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

  • Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

    Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

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BWAHAHA: 2/22 – 2/28

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/22 – 2/28: Well this week we survived Ragnarok, another failed religious prediction of the end of the world. And so, we are back to waiting… once again. I had my first date in a very long time this week as well, which turned into a second date, and a third date, and a fourth date, and a trip together. I’m pretty fucking happy right now, so that means I’ve been a little nicer to anti-vax morons and creationists this week.

2/22

I’m not sure if I should celebrate Ragnarok or National Margarita Day. Vikings drank Margaritas, right? #Ragnarok

Today, the Ice Giants come back to ruin the world! #Ragnarok #NationalMargaritaDay

20140222a

Just experienced the messenger version of the awkward silence. Weird.

I ate more Indian food in one sitting than several villages in India eat in a single day. #FirstWorldAwesome

I can’t decide if transcrypt is a crypt that is movable or one that’s sexually flexible.

2/23

Having a hoarder say, “Sorry about the mess” is like having Hitler say, “Sorry about that Jew.”

2/24

I’m pretty sure my thermostat is a compulsive liar.

Who ‘ya gonna call? Not Harold Ramis! Keep on Ghostbustin’ Harold! We’ll miss ‘ya!

If there’s a Heaven… I hope Harold Ramis is up there kicking Slimer’s ass right now.

If Gov. Brewer signs SB102, then straight supporters should dress like the Village People when going out to dinner.

Post what you eat: food woo posts on your thread in 3… 2… 1…

I’m pretty sure Jesus masturbates. That’s what rainbows are. And a double rainbow? Oh yeah, Second Coming!

Apparently some people still do read the newspaper.

The headline says, “Twin Peaks now online.”

It’s a pretty well-rounded newspaper.

I wonder if it has a classifieds section.

Sometimes you have to read between the lines to get to the meat of a story.

That must be the newspaper from Butte, MT.

It’s mostly opinions and editorials.

20140224a

New God billboard proposal: “I haven’t been laid in 2,000 years.” – God

This Easter I’m going to walk around with a t-shirt that says, “I voted for Pontius Pilate.” (Oh yeah, I created it!)

20140225a

2/26

Winter has been long and hard. Someone take away Father Nature’s Viagra.

Does a hairy fetishist shout, “Show me your pits!” (followed by, “Pits or GTFO!”)

“It’s a dry heat” just means you need more anal lube in Arizona.

Finally saw Gravity. It would have been better if she had died at the end. From a shark attack.

2/27

I think it’s great that the fight against gay marriage is actually what is helping move gay marriage forward.

After a careful search for clues, we have successfully identified the Tea Party senator’s seat.

20140227a

She’s not just voluptuous, she’s voluptuass!

I was told that I was a gateway drug. Still trying to figure out what I’m a gateway to.

My friends suggested: Mexican food, Hell, bad synthpop, and bear & cub relationships. They know me all to well.

He meant to do that…

20140228a

2/28

Tonight was awesome, but I felt like I was back in junior high. It was cute. Lol

This Senior Citizens Center is much more cost effective…

20140301a

This week on Twitter (5/4 – 5/10)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 5/3 to 5/10 (posted in order of Tweets). Wrote new material for standup this week and so was distracted from Twitter. Sorry y’all!

5/5

JesusLuvsMeLongTime #ChristianMingleUsernames

NailMeLikeJesus #ChristianMingleUsernames

WasSavingMyselfForJesusButYoullDo #ChristianMingleUsernames

FemSub4U #ChristianMingleUsernames

LookingForSecondCuming #ChristianMingleUsernames

I’mCrazierThanRevelation #ChristianMingleUsernames

5/7

After nine years in captivity, the three women walk outside and go, “Wow, downtown looks really nice now.”

Gary Tuckman from CNN asking the hard questions, you know, like he didn’t ask the Bush administration.