BWAHAHA 1/24 – 1/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/24 – 1/30: This week my girlfriend and I went out for seafood. While driving around running our errands beforehand, seafood became “anyplace that has seafood,” which after a few more hours of running around then became, “Fuck it, let’s do the Chinese buffet.” The Chinese buffet we go to has seafood on their dinner buffet. I personally can’t stand seafood. The only seafood I like is hushpuppies (you’d be amazed at how many people I have to explain that joke to). Luckily for me, most seafood places have at least a few non-seafood items on their menu. But I still have to deal with the nauseating smell. At least at a Chinese buffet the smell of the regular food does a better job of masking the seafood smell. While I’m about to get a second plate, I notice the cooks brought out some fresh crab legs. Since that’s really what my girlfriend wanted, I got them for her instead of getting my plate. While I’m standing there holding tongs (and my nose) I notice the man on the other side of the buffet bar is using his fingers to find mussels with meat in them. I’ll grant him that the meat fell out of most of the shells during the cooking process. However, if you’re smart (as in not from Alabama), instead of searching shell by shell with your fingers, why not use the fucking spoon to grab all the loose meat at the bottom of the pan? Instead, this idiot is going through all the mussels with his fingers. Later that night my friends asked me if I said anything to the staff. Nah, I’m not eating that booger looking shit, so what do I care? Besides, it probably made that shit taste better. Just one more reason to not like seafood.

One of the errands we were running that day was getting my girlfriend a laptop. We spent days looking online for deals that were not only cost effective, but actually had the right amount of processing power, memory, etc. She kept picking out $200 laptops and asking, “What about this one?” To which myself (and later a friend) both told her, “NO FUCKING WAY!” But she kept sending them to us. My friend and I both point out the perfect laptop for her. It’s $500, but on sale for $350 after instant in-store savings and a $50 mail-in rebate. Does she order it? Nope. Does she go straight to the store that has it so she can buy it in person? Nope. She runs me around all over town looking at tons of laptops that either aren’t powerful enough or are too expensive. So where do we end up going when she finally decides to actually spend the money? Yep… to the exact same place I told her to go in the first place. WOMEN!

OTHER STUFF:

  • I used to have a built-in bench in my shower. Now I have a knee-high shelf. ‪#‎WhenYourGirlfriendMovesIn‬
  • Alcohol and Little Big Planet Coop Mode. The insanity. The laughter. It hurts!!!!!
  • The twitter notification sound is really loud after midnight when trying not to wake the person sleeping next to you.
  • It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

    It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

  • A 5’2″ tiny Chinese woman just physically abused me for an hour. It was awesome.
  • AL Judges panel reverses opinion: gay marriage okay in AL. Suddenly marriages are stopped for staff shortages. Skeptical Blair is Skeptical.
  • It’s time for Chief “Justice” Roy Moore to STFU, retire, and disappear into the sunset. Roy Moore, giving Christians a bad name since 1999.
  • Alabama: Get Over Yourself

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • #‎FacebookDown‬ is like being left behind in the Rapture. Sure, it’s scary at first, but then you realize all the cool kids are still here.
  • The NSA brought Facebook down because users were talking about Chemtrails causing the blizzard. I know because I removed my tinfoil hat. #FacebookDown
  • #‎Interviewgate‬ continues as North Korea takes down Facebook after John Miller posts a positive review on his wall. ‪#‎FacebookDown‬

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • Aeronauticalengineeringbatics ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Air Bender Hockey ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Aquamanathlon ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Long Distance Re-Cycling ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • BenchWordPress ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Pericardium Sac Race ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Camelot Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • RiverTamboarding ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Lawnmower Man Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Skyrim Nordic Skiing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Capture the Flagella ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • It's like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

    It’s like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

  • New Yorkers be like, "What, it ain't that cold."

    New Yorkers be like, “What, it ain’t that cold.”

  • Have you seen North Korea's new surface to air missile system? It's pretty wicked!

    Have you seen North Korea’s new surface to air missile system? It’s pretty wicked!

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BWAHAHA: 1/25 – 1/31

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/25 – 1/31: I got to travel to Florida this week: Panama City to be exact. There really is no good way to get there from my house. I had to go through suckage. And by suckage I mean small towns with really low speed limits, and then when you do get to go fast, you’re stuck behind Farmer John on his slow ass tractor or the Q-Tip driving her Lincoln 20 under the speed limit and she’s still freaking out that she may be going too fast. And when you finally get a passing lane… there are now cars coming in the other direction so you can’t pass.

I made it to Florida a few hours ahead of this year’s Southern Snowmageddon. The ice turned the panhandle of Florida into a ghost town. Of course down here along the Redneck Riviera, it’s practically a ghost town between summers anyway. Watching me fellow Southerners fail miserably on the roads across Alabama, Georgia, and Florida was laughable, but at the same time if you understand the conditions around here, it’s not as funny as you think. Or it’s funnier. I can’t really decide.

I’m working in a prison down here that is going through a contract change. Apparently the employees weren’t happy, because only four of them showed up for work. That means there is one guard for every 450 inmates right now in the prison. Scared yet?

1/26

Two days in a row I got into the car and the radio started playing Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Glad I’m not superstitious.

1/27

I wanted to be impressed by a grandma doing 95 on the interstate, then figured she probably thought she was doing 55.

Owning my hotel room.

20140127b

My hotel room shower looks like something out of porn. Even has a jacuzzi.

20140127c

It took thousands of years, but the Stork Theory has finally been disproved!

20140127d

1/28

I say all the time, “The only seafood I like is hushpuppies.” It’s amazing how many people say, “But hushpuppies aren’t seafood!” /facepalm

Why does (R) Rep Cathy McMorris Rodgers sound like she’s reading from a children’s book? #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ third-grade reading class sure learned a lot from her tonight. #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ speech has been brought to you tonight by the Letters F and U and the Number 0. #SOTU

The one song you’ll get a guaranteed air drum out of me: In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins

I was on the Funny to the Moon podcast talking about minimum/living wage, #SOTU, and much more!

1/29

The palm fronds here have icicles on their tips. It’s cute… in a stupid ass kind of way.

LOL… Florida weather is great!

20140129b

Man, the prostitutes around here are kind of bottom of the barrel.

20140129a

1/30

LOL… Florida weather.

20140130f

Not all parts of Alabama are jammed with stuck cars.

20140130a

An Alaskan on vacation in Birmingham, Alabama.

20140130b

Florida 4 wheel drive for winter: his other car is stuck in the ice.

20140130g

We don’t have sleds in Alabama!

20140130c

We don’t have snow shovels in Alabama.

20140130d