BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My favorite way to do the tip line.

• I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.

• 

  When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

• Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.

• 

  Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

• Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.

• 

  The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

• Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
• My favorite Indian food is tacos.
• I think Michael’s might be confused.
• Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.

• 

  Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

• From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.

• 

  Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

• Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!

• 

  I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

• I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
• Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
• I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?

• 

  Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

• If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
• “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
• If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
• When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…

• 

  I guess the cat’s hungry.

• My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
• Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
• One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
• I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
• When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
• Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
• I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
• Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
• Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?

• 

  Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

• Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.

• 

  Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

• Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
• Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
• A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.

• 

  Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

• Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
• Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
• I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
• If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!

• 

  Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

• I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
• Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
• It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
• Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
• The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
• If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
• When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
• Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
• I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.

• 

  They’re selling an empty record for that much!

• Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.

• 

  Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

• Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
• I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
• The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
• The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
• Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
• Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
• How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
• I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
• I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

• 

  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

• 

  Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

• 

  They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

• 

  Hey! Who ordered delivery?

• 

  The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

6/22

Lesson learned from #WWZ: don’t call someone when they’re in a hostile environment. You get people killed.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: it’s not the meek, but the weak who shall inherit the Earth. Go figure. Intriguing plot twist!

Lesson learned from #WWZ: be berry berry quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: the “Tenth Man” is a fucking brilliant strategy. I wonder if it really exists?

Lesson learned from #WWZ: there’s a silver lining to having AIDS. Whoulda thunk it.

6/23

So #Snowden is going to Moscow? Should be interesting since the Russian Orthodox Church is the new #KGB.

6/24

Congratulations #JimCarrey on getting all this publicity for #KickAss2. Genius marketing!

Nobody watched #KickAss and said, “I’ll shoot up a school.” Lots watched and said, “I’ll shoot photos at #ComiCon”

Want someone to stop harassing you on a dating site? Tell them, “I have AIDS.” #LiesThatAlwaysWork

6/25

Wouldn’t it be ironic if #Snowden was the cause of #WWIII?

6/26

Weird that gay blacks have a better chance of getting married than voting now. #BipolarSCOTUS

Now that #Prop8 is officially dead, can we get back to random butt sex parties in preacher’s houses?

DOMA down! Prop 8 dead! I see two rainbows!!! What does it mean? What does it mean?

To celebrate the death of #DOMA, I’m taking a cruise and getting a rentboy.com man to carry my bags for me! #GeorgeRekkers

DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA Chameleon, you come and go… you come and go….

“Baseball, baseball, he thinks he’s gonna score. If you go all the way, then you are a whore.” – Ancient Mayan Proverb

#Snowden looks at the Departing Flights panel and see, “Life Airlines: DELAYED.” What an idiot!

Killing a Snow Harpie with a meteor was overkill, sure, but it looked fucking awesome!

Some of y’all need to seriously check your First World Privilege!

#AaronHernandez is being penalized for intentionally grounding his friend.

#AaronHernandez will be playing Tight End on the prison football team.

#AaronHernandez got his friend in the Red Zone!

With aim like that, why isn’t #AaronHernandez the QB?

Police were tipped off about #AaronHernandez when he stood on his porch yelling, “GOOOAAALLL!”

There’s a flag on the play! Referee, “Personal Foul, number 81, unnecessary roughness.”

#AaronHernandez thought NFL stood for No Friends Living.

#AaronHernandez ‘s troubles all started with Rumors.

6/27

The headline I wanted to see today: “Conservatives React to DOMA Ruling by Finally Coming Out of the Closet.”

I can’t tell if the “expandable garden hose” spam I’m getting is about my penis or an actual garden hose.

I’m going to make a new E-cig juice called DOMA: it’ll be a combination of fruits and nuts. Oh wait…

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

6/8

I must be going through MANopause: the Chamber of Secrets just made me tear up.

How come on the 40+ dating site I get returns for 20-year-olds? Talk about false advertising! Or did I join daddyissues.com?

6/9

99% of emails I get are Spam. Sure wish someone would email me a steak or two.

#SongsThatNeverGetOld – “Forever Young”

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you weren’t duct-taped.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you shop at Dollar General instead of Family Dollar.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you think WalMart is cheap.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you’ve never eaten Ramen noodles for over a week.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you don’t understand the Hispanic hierarchy.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf the intersection of 2nd & Main hasn’t appealed to you a couple of times.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf prostitution wasn’t an option at your school’s career day.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you never went to Communion just because you were hungry.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf if talk about White Privilege didn’t make you realize how hungry you were for a cracker.

I’m convinced half the world’s recipes were created by poor people figuring how to match the crap in their cupboards.

It’s sunny and thundering. Hmm… guess I better check on the alien invasion.

Losing your friend to a cyclops knocking him off a cliff is bad enough, but losing all the supplies in his backpack is even worse.

6/10

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Still Left of the Right”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Once You Go Barrack, You Never Go Back.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Drones: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Putting the Republican Back In Goldwater Republican.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “At Least We’re Not the Rape Caucus.”

You can’t be mad at me for running into you if you materialize right in front of me. Stupid ghosts!

6/13

A Republican said something offensive about rape and women? That’s absurd, Republicans don’t do that! ;)

SCOTUS rules no patent of human genes. So much for that Biggus Dickus gene I was working on.

I aim to please… but sometimes I miss and get it on the tits.

6/14

Sitting here naked, covered in blood & tapioca, thinking, “It’s only 10:30? Now what am I supposed to do for another six and a half hours?”