BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I'm on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop... IHOP on Car.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

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BWAHAHA 10/11 – 10/17:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/11 – 10/17: I’m on the road in Pittsburgh this week. Mostly bored off my ass since the techs have everything under control and I’m here only because the contract requires a project manager on site. So I sit in my hotel room on conference calls all day… staring out the window at Pittsburgh, well, at least I think it’s Pittsburgh, because it looks like the set to The Walking Dead or The Last of Us.

OTHER STUFF:

Lightning captured with cell phone camera.

If they ever make Dr. Who a woman, they’ll have to rename it to Dr. Who-Ha.

If you’re a hippie, please don’t stand in front of the fan. Now the entire room smells like B.O. and patchouli.

I brought the obligatory chocolate pudding to the season premier of #TheWalkingDead

Older woman pulling into the oil change Bay next to me almost drove into the hole. The mechanic was screaming at her.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

FoodValu, where the employees are still in high school and the customers have already purchased plots at the cemetery.

Watching the Ebola patient drive through Atlanta reminds me of the OJ Chase, except the woman’s not dead, yet.

The idiocy being said regarding Ebola is hyperEbolic! The only thing airborne is fear-mongering and ignorance: that shit’s contagious!

Critical Eye Podcast E045: Fifth Annual Halloween Show – It’s a Scary World Outside

My hotel room last night smelled of BO. I was worried it was me. Now I know it’s the housekeeper who stink. #DeodorantSavesLives

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Tweakin’ ULY55E55 #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Drake Gatsby #HipHopBooks @midnight

Travi$ Scott Fitzgerald #HipHopBooks @midnight

Brave New World Boyz #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Soulja and the Fury #HipHopBooks @midnight

Trey Sons and Lovers #HipHopBooks @midnight

Sean Wington of the Dove #HipHopBooks @midnight

Tender is the Dizzy Wright #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Good Soulja #HipHopBooks @midnight

Lord of the Plies #HipHopBooks @midnight

The RainBow Wow #HipHopBooks @midnight

Wale Fire #HipHopBooks @midnight

Mally Malltese Falcon #HipHopBooks @midnight

Gucci Mane Street #HipHopBooks @midnight

The French Montana Lieutenant’s Woman #HipHopBooks @midnight

From Here to Eminem #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Magnififtycent Ambersons #HipHopBooks @midnight

Diary of Anne Frank Ocean #HipHopBooks @midnight

The T-Painted Bird #HipHopBooks @midnight

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Thug Man #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Hunt for Red Café October #HipHopBooks @midnight

Stranger In a Strange Timbaland #HipHopBooks @midnight

Guilty Pleasure P #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Big Boi Sleep #HipHopBooks @midnight

Swizz Family Robinson #HipHopBooks @midnight

Hip Hop on Pop #HipHopBooks @midnight

Crapple: for all your compooting needs #RuinTechnology @midnight

Praydar: like Gaydar, but for homophobes #RuinTechnology @midnight

Sacuum Cleaner: Suck your testicles clean. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Brobots: Artificial Bromance #RuinTechnology @midnight

Hearing AIDS #RuinTechnology @midnight

Iron Lung: When you’re too tired to breathe #RuinTechnology @midnight

Penichillin: killing bacteria… one sofa at a time #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Life: Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Snapchat, Google+, Twitter, etc. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Scotch Tape: When you’re too drunk to hold the tumbler #RuinTechnology @midnight

Electric Blanket: When your boyfriend’s not hot enough #RuinTechnology @midnight

Nuclear Feareactor: Because the word nuclear is scary #RuinTechnology @midnight

Napalm: Self-warming lubricant #RuinTechnology @midnight

Transistors: Like a sistor, but also like a brother #RuinTechnology @midnight

Holograms: When your dealer cuts the cocaine with baking soda #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Intelligence, AKA Teleprompter #RuinTechnology @midnight

Solar Cell: Even inmates deserve a little sunshine in their lives #RuinTechnology @midnight

Endorscope: Mouthwash for Ewoks #RuinTechnology @midnight

Microchip: Satan’s gateway drug #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Heart: Fake feelings endorsed by sociopaths everywhere #RuinTechnology @midnight

Floppy Disc: A little Viagra and you’ve got a Hard Disk #RuinTechnology @midnight
When it lasts longer than four hours it’s a Solid State Drive

Barcodes: Don’t touch hands in the bowl of peanuts #RuinTechnology @midnight

In Vitro Fertilisation: why throw away a perfectly good turkey baster? #RuinTechnology @midnight

Superconductor Casey Jones #RuinTechnology @midnight

Cryogenics: So you can be an asshole in the future, too #RuinTechnology @midnight

Smart Swatch: Like the 80’s, but smarter #RuinTechnology @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because fuck the homeless.

Because fuck the homeless.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Dammit, outdone by the Jones' again!

Dammit, outdone by the Jones’ again!

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Suicide clown?

Suicide clown?

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960's vagina.

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960’s vagina.

"What accident? Me? I'm just sitting here smoking a cigarette." #PersonOfInterest

“What accident? Me? I’m just sitting here smoking a cigarette.” #PersonOfInterest

BWAHAHA: 10/19 – 10/25

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/19 – 10/25: Getting closer to Halloween when all the kids empty into the streets to take candy from a stranger: you know, something we tell our kids not to do the rest of the year. Around my house there is no trick-or-treating. My area has been taken over by Trunk-Or-Treat, the Christian answer to the Satan’s holiday. I find that more dangerous than taking candy from a stranger… but that’s just me.

10/19

I should put this sign on the front door of my house.
Taser

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices.

Hot chocolate, French Vanilla creamer, and walnut brownie milkshake. Just because.

10/20

If Republicans want regulations on the vagina, then shouldn’t they put the EPA in charge of it?

10/21

I’m going to open up an automobile repair shop and call it The Carmacy.

To fuck conspiracy theorists, I’m going to open up a pharmacy and call it Big Pharma-C.

When going up a hill, there’s this thing called gravity you have to overcome: SO PUSH THE ACCELERATOR!!!!

If you’re 80 and doing 45 in a 65 and scared by the cars passing you: you shouldn’t be driving.

If you stop 100 feet short of the white line at a red light: you have a depth perception problem and shouldn’t be driving.

You really shouldn’t stand behind me. I’ve been eating chorizo & huevos for three days straight.

Necrophilia: the desire to have sex with a Republican.

Because someone challenged me to do it. Oh yeah, MS Paint skills… still got ’em! LOL
Mission Accomplished Little Shrimp

And here is why that picture happened:

Blair Scott: “Although, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a shrimp’s head.”
Are we still talking about food or sex now?

JS: LMAO food!

Blair Scott: Thread derailment successful.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Take that G W Bush!

JS: bwahahaha
And unlike his, yours actually was accomplished! Good job!

Blair Scott: Now I just need a picture of me on a flight deck with my little shrimp head.

JS: ROTFLMAO!!! You could always use photoshop for that!
Go do it now. I wanna see it!!

“Crime of Passion” sounds like something your Dominatrix would accuse you of before spanking your ass.

10/22

Gotta stop playing so much #GTA, it’s affecting my real life! At least I have car and home owner’s insurance! http://fb.me/2htG6irAm
GTA5 Car On Roof

My Internet is down! Nooooooooooooooo!!! This is how Zombiepocalypse starts.

Oooh, she’s a real redhead. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?

Maybe the ACA lines wouldn’t be as busy if FOX reporters would stop calling it to test it.

Satan is just a horn in my side.

Gotta go to bed. I’m head-bobbing at my keyboard. The last time I did that I woke up with QWERTY on my cheek.

10/23

That helicopter was flying low enough that it shook my house. Thanks Obama!

Pepper Jack cheese in chili is awesome, but it does kinda make the chili look like vomit. Bon appétit!

Church in Alabama to raise 23-story cross. Six months from now we’ll all be speaking different languages again…. http://fb.me/1LIXLpplG
Cross Project Baldwin County

I know more atheists who converted to theism for a girlfriend than theology. Vagina: more powerful than gods.

I’d be more impressed with the KKK if they didn’t wear hoods. If you’re going to be a bigot, own up to that shit!

The firing range says I can’t use targets that depict humans. I guess I wasted that money on Miley Cyrus posters.

Agree to have sex with an entire up-and-coming band and #seetheworld for free!

I have my Be Secular shirt and Reason Rally hoodie on. I’m seculayered!

I keep hearing people talk about the plutocracy… but how is that possible since Pluto’s not a planet anymore?

Aimed for the trashcan, hit the side. Now there’s blueberry lemonade all over my kitchen floor. Thanks Obama!

10/24

I hereby pause the Internet for 8 hours while I sleep. That is all.

You know your sex life is bad when you have to give a Roofie to a blowup doll.

Critical Eye Podcast E039: Halloween Show with comedy guests Emery Emery, Mike Lee, and Pat O’Dude!

10/25

I’ve learned over the years that most cases of “FUCK YOU!” translate as, “I DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH!” Exceptions granted.

Sign I created for the Halloween Party.
Face-To-Facebook Room

Just sayin’…
camp-fire2

So many parties…
SixteenCandlesDance

100 Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar…

My aunt died in a ferocious penguin attack. That’s why I don’t watch Batman.

A prostitute asked me if I wanted to open Pandora’s Box. I was confused until she told me her name was Pandora.

As we drew closer I looked deep into the mosaic of your eyes. As they came into focus I realized I was looking at different colors of bullshit.

Relaxing to some Incubite! Well, maybe relaxing is the wrong word. Let’s just say my head’s flinging all over the place.