This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12)

This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12): Not much longer and I’ll be all caught up!

7/6

The problem with religion is that the shepherd is also the wolf.

SFO stood its ground and crashed a 777, apparently it had a bag of Skittles. Wait.. I’m getting my news feed confused.

I’m waiting for the flood of Asian driver jokes. #Boeing777 #SFO

Having been in a place crash: to the survivors, I recommend a massage tomorrow. Seriously.

The problem with crashing #Asiana is that you feel like crashing again a few hours later.

Someone got a shitty fortune cookie today.

7/8

Redneck girls fighting Cuban-American girls on South Beach while wearing bikinis. #PricelessMiami

7/9

I’m a gamer. Don’t fight it. Grab my joystick and let’s play! #MessageToMyFutureSpouse

When I’m an asshole, it’s not your fault: it’s your Mom’s fault. #MessageToMyFutureSpouse

7/10

Thousands of ants in my car. They found an unopened butterscotch disc. Wish my smell was that good.

The Gregorian Gringo! #LessPopularWrestlers

Sir Hits-A-Lot! #LessPopularWrestlers

Chewie Kardashian! #LessPopularWrestlers

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy: he only has one hit. #LessPopularWrestlers

The lobbying power that metal coat hanger corporations have over the #GOP continues to amaze me!

7/11

Going to Monroe, Louisiana next week. That’s the comedy HQ of Louisiana, right?

LEGO Girls Gone Wild #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Zimmerman Trial #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Rodney King & the LA Riots #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Tora Bora #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Last Temptation of Christ #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Strippers Vs Zombies #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Hannibal Lecter #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Custer’s Last Stand #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Auschwitz #RejectedLegoKits #TooSoon

LEGO Terrorist Training Camp #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Spanish Inquisition #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Exxon Valdez! #RejectedLegoKits

There’s the rain and… wait… wait… ah, there they are: the sirens of fire trucks, police, and medics.

7/12

I’ll be lubricating all my mail from now on.

While trimming the trees I had so many bugs on me that I felt like one of those kids in a UNICEF commercial.

You know, all things considered, the Asiana Airline crash had a happy ending.