BWAHAHA: 8/10 – 8/16

It’s BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) for 8/10-8/16!

8/10

*     Just played Munchkin for the first time. Essentially it’s Magick, but with humor and it’s slightly less nerdy.

8/12

*     #exboyfriendsbelike, “Who is this guy and why is he calling me his ex-boyfriend?”

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndWhisk: go straight to the paddy wagon.

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndFist: or as LT Smith said, “Going all Rodney King on their ass.”

*     If you get #RodeoClownObama, then I get #RodeClownJesus! Of course everyone’ll think it’s a hipster and not Jesus.

*     Well played #SesameStreet! Taking pop culture and actually giving it a positive message for kids!

*     Will you fuckers stop posting videos that make me cry! Sheesh!

*     I’m admittedly a verdant comic, but I think I may be starting to hit puberty, because I just found pubes in my joke.

*     James Bond: Tears of Allah is a well to hide nuclear weapons.
Catholic: Tears of Yahweh are insect excrement (off a tree).

*     Why are there sounds of mining coming from the mine when I know everyone just ran out because of the two ogres?

*     How can I mow the lawn if it keeps raining? Wait.. mowing the lawn is work. Never mind. Keep raining.

8/13

*     Remember when hoodie references or wearing a hoodie made you sing, “Mama said knock you out!” I miss those days.

*     IF we make sure we #StopAndFrisk white people, can we start with #MayorBloomberg? He seems suspicious.

*     Anyone know of a black or Hispanic politician who supports #StopAndFrisk? Or is it just crazy white people?

*     I mixed Orange Coke and Vanilla Coke: BAM! You’re welcome.

*     Most of the things where the M&M sings, “…but I won’t do that,” I’m thinking… yeah, I’d totally do that.

*     Does the Trivago commercial dude freak anyone else out? Is it just because he’s not wearing a belt?

*     Just realized that Steven Spielberg predicted Air Jaws way back then…

2 Seconds later… Air JAWS with Chrissie doing cartwheels!

*     I needed a new nightlight!

*     Now that’s a bonefish!

*     #MichelleObama made a Hip-Hop video for kids. In the meantime, FOX News Headquarters implodes from attempts to deny racism.

*     Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder now have to remake the song to “Chocolate & Ivory.”

*     Surfer: “It was divine intervention that I survived the shark attack.” Really? The same intervention that sent the shark to attack you?

My friend Matt Dillahunty (‏@Matt_Dillahunty) responded, “The LORD moves in mysterious ways. God is shooting at you and intentionally missing! (mostly) #ThatIsPureLove”

So I replied, “Funny, the attack in question is 2 Great White sharks: Jesus really fucking hates this dude!

*     Advertising irony of the day. Not FTB’s fault – they can’t control the ads.

8/14

*     I’d like to remind that annoying GEICO Hump Day Camel that camel tastes amazing when cooked on an open fire.

*     I have this weird feeling that my UPS package is not coming today.

*     Al Qaeda should consider pink burqas for breast cancer awareness. اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬#

*     The world is just crying out for the Al Qaeda Comedy Tour! ‫#‏اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬

Additional info on that weird hashtag: Twitter Totally Trolled Al Qaeda Last Night

8/15

*     My First Threesome

*     Homegrown Comedy had a photo contest to win two tickets to their 8/16 show. Below is the pic and my three entries:

In an attempt to recover a drop in their stock, Hot Wheels (TM) tries something new.

Svetlana shows off the new runway model fad diet. She says, “It tastes gross at first, but after a while you get used to brake dust.”

You thought the other kind of rim job you give was rough on your knees…

*     Twitter keeps trying to get me to follow Alyssa Milano. Nah, I quit stalking her when I hit puberty.

Sad Dr. Seuss

Sad Dr. Suess was trending on Twitter, so I felt obligated to contribute to the misery that was taking place.

Why do you cut yourself in such a way? Because the bullies call me gay. #SadDrSeuss

I didn’t wear a condom when I had sex. Now I fork out child support Checks. #SadDrSeuss

My father got to see men go to the moon. I got to see the bubble go boom. #SadDrSeuss

“Oh look at that beauty fire in the sky,” said the Brontosaurus before he died. #SadDrSeuss

I went go to dip it in the wick, but she said I had a little dick. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted my country to go far, but we kept electing Republitards. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted to roll on waves on a ship, but only had a Triumph rolling in shit. #SadDrSeuss

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a drone! Now I have no home. #SadDrSeuss

I went to a priest for advice on a guilt trip, but he gave me more than a tip. #SadDrSeuss

I made a wish on a Hollywood star, now I’m in jail for taking stalking too far. #SadDrSeuss

Went to Los Angeles to check out the scene and was accidentally shot by the LAPD. #SadDrSeuss

At the airport stall that guy’s foot was over the edge, luckily it was just Larry Craig. #SadDrSeuss

Found out I was adopted by another, so I put a request for likes on Facebook asking, “Are you my Mother?” #SadDrSeuss

I saw that guy Rodney King get beat. And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street . #SadDrSeuss

She said my tongue was in the know then told me, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” #SadDrSeuss

Last month I didn’t put a condom on my tip, now I’ve got the horrible drip. #SadDrSeuss

Oh the stories you will tell when at night they close the cell. Behind the bars with guards away, oh the gay games we will play. #SadDrSeuss

Religious morality they tried to sell by telling me I’d go to hell. But logic showed a better way to engage the world and behave. #SadDrSeuss

One fist, two fist, three fist, four, oh you’re such a dirty whore. #SadDrSeuss

Turns out The Onion had to punt for calling a nine-year-old girl a cunt. #SadDrSeuss