BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

He should have ran… ran so far away.

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.

BWAHAHA: 9/28 – 10/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/28 – 10/4: So the government shutdown this week after some moron ironically read us Green Eggs and Ham. My VA check was delayed, causing me to eat Ramen noodles for two more fucking days! But hey, I got to land a 747 on a short desert runway thanks to GTA5!

9/28

“This house is clean!”

“[Jesus] didn’t walk around all willy nilly just passing out free healthcare to those who were sick, or food to those who were hungry…” – Ted Cruz. Um, didn’t Jesus heal the sick and feed the masses? #StupidRepublitards

I wanted to pull my carpet up before the party, but waxing really hurts.

Here’s to using ride-on mowers as large mechanical rakes!

In the 5th grade a girl saw my penis and said it was too big. I wonder if she thinks the same thing now that she’s 42.

9/29

The penalty flag giveth, and the penalty flag taketh away.

I watched the season finale of Breaking Bad. Now I don’t have to watch five years worth of it.

I joined Christian Mingle for shits & giggles. I left Christian Mingle with fits and fizzles.

Why should I symbolically adopt a tiger when I can shoot one instead? I want to try out my new camera. #WWF

9/30

In movies, lava bombs only hit the roads that people are using to escape. Then stop once the people die. Volcanoes hate people.

If my VA disability doesn’t post to my bank in 23 minutes I’m going to get mad and yell at the TV. That’ll teach ’em!

Can we use the money we’re saving during the shutdown to fund recalls of Republicans and special elections to replace them?

The best part of a shutdown is our legislators still get paid. And that’s important because we love them so much!

Worried about government rape? No biggie, they’ve got ways to shut that whole thing down.

So now that the government’s shut down, can we start behaving like Somali pirates? #LibertarianUtopia

The government is shut down and people aren’t getting paid… what, Miley Cyrus has a new video out? Where?!?!?!

10/1

They put ’em down and teabagged their victims! Then I realized it was Washington and not on my FPS MMO.

The best part about a Dictatorship is that only a coup can shut that government down.

In US, we shuttin’ down… In Soviet Russia, they Putin On the Ritz!

This is one time I hope the kids take their ball and go home, because their rules are stupid. #Republitards

I think the Republicans have been playing too much #GTA5. Look at ’em goin’ all gangsta on the gummint!

Insert rude, obnoxious, facetious, sarcastic, and blasphemous atheist comment here.

So my VA check didn’t get deposited. Fuck you very much Republitards.

10/2

RIP Jack Ryan: Marine, CIA agent, President, and all-around awesome fictional character.

10/3

Hurricane Karen says, “Shutdown? I’ll show you a fucking shutdown! No money for FEMA, aw, too bad!”

10/4

The sign said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Didn’t say anything about No Pants. (Picture from Tosh.O)

Doing my part to piss off Conservatives!

“Only web sites necessary to protect lives and property will be maintained.” Um, isn’t NOAA necessary for just that?