BWAHAHA: 3/1 – 3/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/1 – 3/7: This week was a pretty slow week for me. I was distracted by my real job and by Suzie (Suzie, you’re amazing!).  I did get to rant and rave against skinny people who always seem to want to offer advice to us fat folks when we go on diets and exercise. He skinny person, you have no fucking clue, so fuck off.

3/1

I love it when people tell me, “That food is bad for you.” No shit! Now tell me about this Jesus guy I’ve never heard of!

What happened to “Jesus Take the Wheel?”

What happens when you buy cheap funeral arrangements…

Libertarian roads… part II.

3/2

Dopamine crash in 3… 2… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lucky for me, Parmesan cheese tastes amazing when it’s slightly burnt.

Beth be like, “You’re not my dad!” #TWD

But I like peach schnapps! #TWD

Bad moonshine can make you go blind, just like masturbation. #TWD

Daryl came so close to a reacharound. #TWD

I think ‘Walking On Sunshine’ by Katrina & the Waves should have been playing while the house burned. #TWD

3/3

If you’re gonna party, then dammit, PARTY! (She probably has a degree in Marketing)

Random snowflakes falling in downtown Huntsville. Someone punch Mother Nature in the crotch!

Apparently the Zombiepocalypse might be happening on my street. That’s a shitload of emergency vehicles…

Fighting the urge to sing my playlist while at the gym.

3/4

I’m pretty sure my friends have a pool going on when I change my relationship status. Dicks!

Suzie’s dog vomited all over me. That’s a sign of approval, right?

3/5

Guy pulled off a great move to avoid rear ending me at 60. So I have him a thumbs up. #MissedConnections

3/6

New FedEx home delivery…

Physics: sometimes you just can’t explain that shit.

I made the shirt I’ll be wearing at DragonCon this year (buy your own here):

Love Is Like Snow

Love Is Like Snow

Sometimes it’s a blizzard: coming in full gale force. Keeping you inside, smothered, and trapped – exiled from the rest of your world.

Sometimes it’s a wet snow: beautiful and quickly accumulating, but not too long you realize how damaging the thick and heavy snow can be to your surroundings.

Sometimes it’s a slow accumulation: beautiful and inspiring and joyful and making you want to play in it like you were a child again, lost in the enthusiasm of its grandeur, catching flakes with your mouth, making snow angels, sledding, and being enthralled by everything that it is.

Sometimes it’s just flurries: teasing you with the prospect of a beautiful snow cover and making you think you are about to have fun… only to flit away with the clouds.

Sometimes it’s a light brushing: granting you a view of the beauty that could be if it only snowed some more, making you want more.

But in the end it all melts.

But never fear… it will snow again.

BWAHAHA: 10/12 – 10/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/12 – 10/18: It’s hard to be funny when you’re in the ER suffering from Acute Cholecystitis. They ruled out gall stones and now suspect that my gall bladder has just stopped functioning. Everyone says I won’t miss it, but can they really say that without knowing the relationship I have with my gall bladder? What am I going to do on Valentine’s Day now?!?!?! Then I get out of the hospital and my friends spring a surprise wedding on me. Oh gee, thanks for reminding me about my relationship with my gall bladder! Bladder, blabber, blather!

10/13

Scientia, Liberate Tute Me Ex Inferis. Gratias Agimus Tibi.

I either fall for fool’s gold or try to get the platinum I can’t afford. Ah, the joys of being single.

10/14

So I took the “Who Are You In Star Trek” quiz and Captain Kirk returned as the answer. It said I was “over the top!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING STUPID SHIT?!?!?!?! Fine, you wanna find out who you’re like, go ahead and take the fucking stupid lying quiz!  Oh wait, they said I was a natural leader, well garsh, that was awfully sweet of them!

Shouldn’t Columbus Day be Vespucci Day? You know, after the guy America is named after: Amerigo Vespucci.

Welcome to the United States of Columbia… after Chris Columbus. Wait… it’s the Americas, after Amerigo Vespucci. Umm….

Still single. Thanks Obama!

I listen to music loud in my car. Drivers next to me look irritated, then smile as they think, “At least it’s not rap.”

10/15

The should replace physical torture that’s something more effective… THIS:

Ever notice that the people who demand people “speak English” are ones who can’t?

Wait, you mean we’re not named America after Leif Americson?

It’s hard to be metal when playing a keyboard.

I bank at Redstone Federal Credit Union here in Huntsville, Alabama. And they had this on their front page. Because people are stupid and think that because they have the word Federal in their name, that the bank will be closed. UGH! It irks me even more that they’re so polite about it. I would have put, “Yes, you fucking morons, we’re open – because we’re your fucking credit union and not a government entity! So stop fucking calling customer service and asking you dolts!” Then again, I’m an ass.

As an atheist, I’m in awe and wonder at the asininity of #Oprah.

10/16

My #debtceiling is two inches above the ground.

10/17

That weird moment when you’re alone in the house and your toilet flushes on its own.

Armored car at the bank, and I’m like, “I could take that!” Then I remembered I wasn’t at home playing GTA5.

Dating & Electronics

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices. I know that seems like a weird comparison, but let’s look at how this pans out:

1. Sometimes an electronic is bad right out of the box.

2. Often times you get sucked in by the bells and whistles only to realize after buying it that it’s a cheap piece of plastic crap.

3. You often buy the cheapest one and look online for the best deals. You’re usually disappointed, but you keep going back to that weird auction site anyway. Because hey, you just might win the lottery and actually get a good product off there one day!

4. You realize quickly that refurbished is just a fancy way of saying, “The previous owner used and abused this product.”

5. You’re always impressed with your new electronic, but after awhile that newness wears off and you want the latest model.

6. If you’re lucky, you’ll stumble upon an electronic that’s built to last for a lifetime. Or at least until the seven year itch.

Keep buying. Sooner or later you’ll find that perfect electronic device. Or not.

BWAHAHA: 10/5 – 10/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/5 – 10/11: I spent this week mostly in jail. That reaction you just had? Yeah, that’s the one I love when people read when I say things like that and they don’t realize I work for jails and prisons. Good times. While I was at the jail, the local BB&T bank was robbed. When I posted about it, people asked me if I was playing Grand Theft Auto. Yeah… hard to tell between GTA5 and real life sometimes. #ThankYouJesusFor GTA5! I also spent Friday night in the ER with suspected acute Cholecystitis. It’s very painful shit (well, pre-shit, since it’s the gall bladder). No gall stones, so they think my gall bladder is simply not functioning. My ER doc, who is British, comes in and writes me a three week scrip of Percocet. So I say, “Three weeks? That’s an awful lot of Percocet.” He responds, “Well, you can’t call to make an appointment with the gastro surgeon until Tuesday, and he probably won’t be able to see you until two weeks out. So yeah, welcome to American healthcare.” He then adds, “In Britain, I would have a gastro surgeon in here already looking you over, but hey, at least you pay a lot for what you get!” Touche, my British doctor… touche!

10/5

I’ve been playing too much #GTA5… caught myself going 120 MPH on the freeway earlier. Oops.

10/8

My ex-girlfriend is half Mexican and half Irish. She’s culturally confused, so she drinks green Dos Equis.

If the Republican Congress died in a plane crash, I would shed a tear… for the plane.

I love it when the GOP compares Obama to Hitler, especially since Hitler would agree with the GOP on almost everything.

My toast always lands butter side up, but that’s because I butter both sides.

10/9

So #ThankYouJesusFor is trending on Twitter. My asshole genes are itching to get in on this action.

#ThankYouJesusFor killing all those kids in Iraq earlier this week. Keep shining that light of love you hippie!

#ThankYouJesusFor giving my friend cancer and then curing it (well, the doctors did that, but you get the credit anyway).

#ThankYouJesusFor saving my buddy from the tornado. But yeah, fuck the family across the street that it killed.

#ThankYouJesusFor keeping all those kids in Africa and India starving while my preacher eats well from tithes!

#ThankYouJesusFor starting the zombie craze! I love me some Zombiepocalypse!

#ThankYouJesusFor for teaching me to turn the other cheek: comes in handy during spankings.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me unconditionally, well, except for that threat of hell thing.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me, but you never call! So I’m having an affair with Hera.

#ThankYouJesusFor getting viruses on the Ark. We really appreciate that shit.

#ThankYouJesusFor all the blood on Via Dolorosa. You know, someone had to clean that mess up! Way to ruin someone’s day, you jerk!

#ThankYouJesusFor for cutting the tip of my penis off. Now I have a porn star penis!

#ThankYouJesusFor abstinence only sex ed. Now my chances of anal sex are greatly improved! #TechnicalVirgin

I’d like to start a donation drive to pay for a delivery of Pampers to the Republicans in DC.

10/10

Way too many women posting #ProteinForGirls on Twitter after they “work out.”

10/11

I find your lack of taste disturbing.

Being single is both awesome and horrible. Relationships attempt to find a compromise between those two extremes.