BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

 

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!

BWAHAHA: 11/23 – 11/29

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/23 – 11/29: Well this was certainly a fun week! I think my friends and I spent more time together this week than I spent in my mom’s uterus (I was born premature).

11/23

My dad drove up from Florida in shorts & t-shirt. Now he’s freezing in 8 degree wind chill. Moron.

11/24

On a cold night like tonight, if Dr. Sidney Russell were still alive, I’d suck him off.

What I’m getting religious family members for Christmas.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that Sylvia Browne actually saw it coming. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Protesting Black Friday and looking forward to a White Christmas? RACIST!

I went to a Sudanese restaurant today and was served a W.H.O. Food Pack. So disappointed.

This year I’m celebrating Thanksgrieving. I’ll start the meal off by listing the people I didn’t shed a tear for when they died.

11/25

#CelebritiesIWantToSeeNaked is trending. I wanted to put Fiona as a joke, but the Internet already provided naked Fiona.

11/26

My reality show idea: reality “stars” sit down and take the ASVAB so we can all see how dumb they really are.

Only 2 1/2 days left until Rebecca Black Friday!

My BCDC (Blood Cheese Dip Count) is getting below my legal limits. Must rectify this before withdraws set in.

The candle holder priests shouldn’t be purchasing:

See what I mean….

11/27

Anybody else old enough to remember as kids playing with that amazing toy: the stick?

When I was a kid I hated chores, so my motto was, “Hasbro before hoes.”

As a kid I got mad at mom for limiting my freedom. Now I’m grown up and realize it was silly, especially once I found out about Republicans.

I wonder how different America would be if “elections” were like Battle Royale.

Tomorrow, millions of Americans will blame their gluttony-induced tiredness on Tryptophan. #BlamingTheVictim

Critical Eye Podcast: E040 Thanksgrieving archive is up!

#GodHasBlessedMeWith cancer. Oh wait, that’s my neighbor. Oh wait, god doesn’t exist.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith great music. And by God I mean Robert Smith from The Cure.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith sustenance. And by God I mean Mexican food. And Carmelita, my French Maid.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith a great view. And by God I mean the woman next door who dances naked in her yard.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith satisfaction. And by God I mean Porn.

11/28

For Hanukkah I’m eating bacon-flavored Matzah Balls.

I wanted to say something heartfelt about Native Americans on this Thanksgiving, but then was like, “Fuck ’em, they lost.”

#ThrowbackThursday – 70’s curtains backdrop my 80’s self!

I’m thankful that I’m not doing an “I’m thankful” post.

I’m going to fight the legalization of marijuana for the sole reason that I cannot afford the munchies.

11/29

Santa came early. So much for the pulling out strategy.

I got your duck face right here!