BWAHAHA: 9/28 – 10/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/28 – 10/4: So the government shutdown this week after some moron ironically read us Green Eggs and Ham. My VA check was delayed, causing me to eat Ramen noodles for two more fucking days! But hey, I got to land a 747 on a short desert runway thanks to GTA5!

9/28

“This house is clean!”

“[Jesus] didn’t walk around all willy nilly just passing out free healthcare to those who were sick, or food to those who were hungry…” – Ted Cruz. Um, didn’t Jesus heal the sick and feed the masses? #StupidRepublitards

I wanted to pull my carpet up before the party, but waxing really hurts.

Here’s to using ride-on mowers as large mechanical rakes!

In the 5th grade a girl saw my penis and said it was too big. I wonder if she thinks the same thing now that she’s 42.

9/29

The penalty flag giveth, and the penalty flag taketh away.

I watched the season finale of Breaking Bad. Now I don’t have to watch five years worth of it.

I joined Christian Mingle for shits & giggles. I left Christian Mingle with fits and fizzles.

Why should I symbolically adopt a tiger when I can shoot one instead? I want to try out my new camera. #WWF

9/30

In movies, lava bombs only hit the roads that people are using to escape. Then stop once the people die. Volcanoes hate people.

If my VA disability doesn’t post to my bank in 23 minutes I’m going to get mad and yell at the TV. That’ll teach ’em!

Can we use the money we’re saving during the shutdown to fund recalls of Republicans and special elections to replace them?

The best part of a shutdown is our legislators still get paid. And that’s important because we love them so much!

Worried about government rape? No biggie, they’ve got ways to shut that whole thing down.

So now that the government’s shut down, can we start behaving like Somali pirates? #LibertarianUtopia

The government is shut down and people aren’t getting paid… what, Miley Cyrus has a new video out? Where?!?!?!

10/1

They put ’em down and teabagged their victims! Then I realized it was Washington and not on my FPS MMO.

The best part about a Dictatorship is that only a coup can shut that government down.

In US, we shuttin’ down… In Soviet Russia, they Putin On the Ritz!

This is one time I hope the kids take their ball and go home, because their rules are stupid. #Republitards

I think the Republicans have been playing too much #GTA5. Look at ’em goin’ all gangsta on the gummint!

Insert rude, obnoxious, facetious, sarcastic, and blasphemous atheist comment here.

So my VA check didn’t get deposited. Fuck you very much Republitards.

10/2

RIP Jack Ryan: Marine, CIA agent, President, and all-around awesome fictional character.

10/3

Hurricane Karen says, “Shutdown? I’ll show you a fucking shutdown! No money for FEMA, aw, too bad!”

10/4

The sign said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Didn’t say anything about No Pants. (Picture from Tosh.O)

Doing my part to piss off Conservatives!

“Only web sites necessary to protect lives and property will be maintained.” Um, isn’t NOAA necessary for just that?

BWAHAHA: 9/7 – 9/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/7 – 9/13: I had the honor of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on 9/13.

9/8

Axe Body Spray says women are getting hotter: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

Increased instances of Jock Itch and Athlete’s Foot: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

My new zombiepocalypse rule: if you lack common sense, you’re off the team. Might use you as zombie bait.

9/10

This program contains footage of humans engaged in human behavior: viewer discretion is advised.

Finally posted the article I kept threatening to write: What I Learned At DragonCon

9/11

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering today. Is today the anniversary of the Alamo?

With all the chatter on Twitter, I thought that maybe they were allowing up to 911 characters. Oh well.

Email from dating site: “goodpussy6969 wants to chat!” Wow, someone’s been taking classes in marketing skills!

Let’s stand our ground against iPads and smash them on the sidewalk! #GeorgeZimmerman

After the divorce #GerogeZimmerman will be standing on only half his ground.

9/12

No Snooki, that burning sensation between your legs is not your STD, the Jersey Shore is on fire.

Did the Stranger on the Shore pull The Drifters out from Under the Boardwalk that’s on fire?

Jersey residents are like, “Fire, what fire?”

You know that part of the boardwalk that wasn’t damaged by Sandy? Yeah, fuck that part!

Fire doesn’t care about your No Trespassing sign.

Putin, “…we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you’re LGBT, then Siberian prison for you!

How did I not know about Derek with Ricky Gervais? Bloody brilliant! But fuck him for causing tears in my eyes.

@rickygervais – finally watched #Derek. Thank you for making me laugh and then ripping my heart out of my chest with episode 7. #Kleenex

Correlation is not causation… unless you cut yourself correlating papers.

9/13

See what happens when you pray to end the Colorado fires? God just sends a flood instead.

The biggest drawback to Boulder flooding is how painful those boulders are.

I love it when anti-government Republican governors praise FEMA, White House, National Guard, etc during disasters.

Apparently a frog was trying to get a LADEE to kiss it so he could turn back into a prince. The LADEE rejected his advances.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Triskaidekaphobia: you do realize that the 14th floor of the hotel is actually the 13th floor, right?

Sad as the destruction is, you gotta admit that such a large fire being started by an ice cream store is ironically giggleific.