BWAHAHA 3/7 – 3/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/7 – 3/13: I was at a Mexican restaurant earlier this week eating their awesome lunch buffet. This restaurant is in what is considered to be the “rural” area of Huntsville. Within a mile of my house is shopping centers, million dollar homes, meth labs, cattle ranches, cotton fields, horse ranches, and trailer parks. So you never really know who you’re going to come across when spending the day among the natives. The table behind me were racists. I don’t mean the accidental or ignorant kind: I mean the Dixie brand wearing, Confederate flag waving, Garth Brooks worshiping, goin’ muddin’, engine and washing machine in the front yard, momma’s a meth head, mean spirited, and hateful kinda racists. I mean, being a racist and having a racist conversation is bad enough, but when you feel empowered enough to have that conversation so loud that everyone in the section can hear you? Well, that’s just a whole new level of bad. During their conversation I learned that there are more black racists than white racists. I also learned that blacks don’t want equality, but special treatment (Is that at least a small recognition that black people currently don’t have equality? Nah, they’re not smart enough for that level of thinking). Let’s see, what else did I learn from the racists adjacent to me. I learned that it’s not really a black or white thing, per se, but an interracial thing (gosh, if only those black people kept to themselves and left us white folks alone!). But then the best thing happened. One of the women there started talking about how her mom was from Guam (you know, not white) and that her name used to be Torres, but she changed it so people wouldn’t think she’s a dirty Mexican (Fuck them, but their food is amazing! Am I right?!). Did her friends freak out and suddenly demand that this horrible impure mudblood leave the pure white American flag waving table? Nope. I guess it’s okay to be not 100% white as long as you have enough hatred in you to fit in with the rest of the morons you’re hanging out with.

When your close friends wish you happy birthday, that means something. Right? When you family wishes you a happy birthday, that means something as well. Right? Thanks to social networking sites, no one has to actually remember when your birthday is anymore: even your family. Everyone is reminded that it’s your birthday. What that means is that instead of saying “thanks” to the fifteen people who are routinely a part of my life, I’m now saying “thanks” to 500+ people who feel the need to type “Happy Birthday” because Facebook fucking told them it was my birthday. Let’s not mention the fact that the last time we even talked on Facebook was last year when you wished me Happy Birthday and I replied, “Thanks!” Just like this year. Facebook and other social media sites that remind everyone when it’s your birthday, have made birthdays annoying. I think I’m going to hide my birthday on Facebook. Then again, if I did that, my family and best friends would forget about it… On the awesome side, my girlfriend gave me a Vape Cake!

Awesome Vape Cake! ClouporT8, with Nautilus tank, two batteries, and a bottle of Mother's Milk and VG.

Awesome Vape Cake! Cloupor T8, with Nautilus tank, two batteries, and a bottle of Mother’s Milk and VG.

OTHER STUFF:

  • I’ve discovered a Hipster hive. If I find the queen Hipster, I’ll kill her and save humanity. Wish me luck, I’m going in!
  • They were even worse than Hipsters… they were Hippisters: dreadlocks & patchouli with Abercrombie from a Thrift Store!!!!
  • And the seal opened and voices cried in woe and there was a great gnashing of teeth as the trumpet blaired. ‪#‎IFarted‬
  • Birthdays are annoying when no one remembers and equally annoying when everyone remembers.
  • My yard is farting. The ground is so saturated, the septic tank has nowhere to go, so the gases bubble up the surface and ‪#‎ChemicalAttack‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Sasha be like, “Pft, white people.” ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎deadbuzz‬
  • Advice from Twitter? Perfect! ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Wipe first, pants second. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Porcupines make horrible pillows. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Puppies are like veal. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Bob’s better in marinade. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬ ‪#‎TWD‬
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BWAHAHA: 8/23 – 8/29

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/23 – 8/29: This was a pretty fun week all things considered. We’ve unpacked more boxes, got more work done on the bathroom, decorated the home some more, and I doing better at my water aerobics class. I’m still the skinniest person in the class, so still helping out my confidence! Got to go storm chasing a few times this week, but mostly Mother Nature was just being a dick and sending all the good stuff somewhere else.

And then there’s the serious stuff: more videos surfacing of cops being stupid and engaging in unnecessary violence with excessive force. I have been a lifelong defender of police because there are good cops out there and it’s easy to fall into confirmation bias of “all cops are bad” because we only see the bad. Are police brutality instances actually on the rise, or is the predominance of cell phones capturing more of what was already there? That’s hard to say definitively, but one thing is for sure, it’s getting harder and harder to defend police in general when more of this crazy shit is happening. Protect and serve people. That’s your fucking job: protect and serve.

OTHER STUFF:

This little guy was like, "Hey look at me! Oh, never mind." HSV #alwx

This little guy was like, “Hey look at me! Oh, never mind.” HSV #alwx

Mother Nature hates me. All that awesome so far away.

Mother Nature hates me. All that awesome so far away.

Woman just said, “I have a cute anus.” I replied, “Well, I suppose that’s better than a chronic anus.”

Waiter, there's a cloud in my tea. #ForeverVaping

Waiter, there’s a cloud in my tea. #ForeverVaping

When I see people type OMG, the first I think is, “Oh, you’re down to zero nicotine now?” Then I realize my head is in the clouds. #ForeverVaping

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Standard pic of downed chimney during any CA earthquake. #NapaQuake

Standard pic of downed chimney during any CA earthquake. #NapaQuake

“Only God can judge me.” Sure, keep telling yourself that to not feel guilty, but we’re all judging the hell out of you.

The Twilight Movies #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

German Horse Porn #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

Manchester Disenfranchised #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

Malaysian Airlines #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

The Titanic #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

Rodney Dangerfield’s Ladybugs #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

The Hindenburg #ThingsBetterThanManchesterUnited

The Cure Bred #DogBands @midnight

The Happee Pad Mondays #DogBands @midnight

Collar Me Badd #DogBands @midnight

Earth, Wind & Fire Hydrant #DogBands @midnight

Seven Dalmatian Army #DogBands @midnight

Dog Food Fighters #DogBands @midnight

Irish Setter Than Ezra #DogBands @midnight

Great Dane’s Addiction #DogBands @midnight

New Yorkie Dolls #DogBands @midnight

The Mutthole Surfers #DogBands @midnight

Flogging Collies #DogBands @midnight

Bone Loc #DogBands @midnight

Miami Hound Machine #DogBands @midnight

Flock of Beagles #DogBands @midnight

Black Eye Fleas #DogBands @midnight

Culture Kennel Club #DogBands @midnight

Tina Turner & Hooch #DogBands @midnight

Raining in Nashville. The Titans can blame the rain for the football just getting stripped by the Vikings.

Water Sports Illustrated #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Autoeroticmobile Magazine #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Pot Rod #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Hot Rod Stewart #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Motorboat Trend #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Motor Trendy Bitches #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Road & Crack #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Nipsliplinger’s Personal Finance #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Smack Enterprise #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Boobberg Businesstweak #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Consummate Reports #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Entrepremanure #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Crack and Pill #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Nickelbackodeon Magazine #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Stranger Rick #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Stone Cold Steve Austin Soup #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Entertain Men Weekly #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Nope Chopra Digest #RuinAMagazine @midnight #SkepticsUnderstand

KY Glide #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Bon Jovi Appétit #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Taste of Gnome #RuinAMagazine @midnight

The Daily Teabagger #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Klan Magazine #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Peephole #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Puss Weekly #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Penn’s Health #RuinAMagazine @pennjillette @midnight

Cosmopolitician #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Ladies’ Home Invasion Journal #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Modern Booty #RuinAMagazine @midnight

American White Heritage #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Slutterbug #RuinAMagazine @midnight

Freebirders World #RuinAMagazine #LynyrdSkynyrdSucks @midnight

Better Homes and Arsons #RuinAMagazine @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Tonight's Chef Special.

Tonight’s Chef Special.

[sniff] "They've outgrown me." [sniff]

[sniff] “They’ve outgrown me.” [sniff]

They see me skatin' Ain't farmin' We Prayin' And they jealous of me skatin' Amish Wanna be me racin' Amish

They see me skatin’
Ain’t farmin’
We Prayin’
And they jealous of me skatin’ Amish
Wanna be me racin’ Amish

Puppies: just like veal. #NationalDogDay #NotHelpingStereotypes

Puppies: just like veal. #NationalDogDay #NotHelpingStereotypes

I keep warning you people all the time and yet you don't listen! Always be aware of your surroundings!

I keep warning you people all the time and yet you don’t listen! Always be aware of your surroundings!

In Britain, they use a different type of "gun" when interacting with the black community.

In Britain, they use a different type of “gun” when interacting with the black community.

Flower Power!

Flower Power!