BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

• Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
• Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
• Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
• I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
• Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
• I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

• You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  This is how the Apocalypse starts…

• 

  Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

• 

  What video game is about to become real life?

My 9th Grade Psychic Power

So the other day I was going through my old poems (I haven’t written in years) and stumbled upon a poem I wrote in 1986 called “Circle of Light.” It struck me as funny second line in the third stanza. Here is the poem in its entirety:

Circle Of Light

Circle of light flies high
glowing aura touches ground
eyes of moon on land spies
awaiting death from ominous sound

Lips of man cringe in pain
yellow flowers bloom ’round
eyes of blue, turn red insane
ethics, morals, none be found

Hot blood flows through and through
stalking through Le ‘Ole Bayou
lobes of large searching sound
a savior, a knight, not be found

Movement within, jump of an arm
soul of victim bounce and pound
old men speak of chicken farms
fear from people, villages, towns

Circle of light flies high
kin of hound, ominous sound
stalking the swamp, prey tonight
people’s fear, rid this town

Le ‘Ole Bayou? Really? So my unknown psychic powers either predicted True Blood or Duck Dynasty. Take that Nostradamus!