This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

6/22

Lesson learned from #WWZ: don’t call someone when they’re in a hostile environment. You get people killed.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: it’s not the meek, but the weak who shall inherit the Earth. Go figure. Intriguing plot twist!

Lesson learned from #WWZ: be berry berry quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: the “Tenth Man” is a fucking brilliant strategy. I wonder if it really exists?

Lesson learned from #WWZ: there’s a silver lining to having AIDS. Whoulda thunk it.

6/23

So #Snowden is going to Moscow? Should be interesting since the Russian Orthodox Church is the new #KGB.

6/24

Congratulations #JimCarrey on getting all this publicity for #KickAss2. Genius marketing!

Nobody watched #KickAss and said, “I’ll shoot up a school.” Lots watched and said, “I’ll shoot photos at #ComiCon”

Want someone to stop harassing you on a dating site? Tell them, “I have AIDS.” #LiesThatAlwaysWork

6/25

Wouldn’t it be ironic if #Snowden was the cause of #WWIII?

6/26

Weird that gay blacks have a better chance of getting married than voting now. #BipolarSCOTUS

Now that #Prop8 is officially dead, can we get back to random butt sex parties in preacher’s houses?

DOMA down! Prop 8 dead! I see two rainbows!!! What does it mean? What does it mean?

To celebrate the death of #DOMA, I’m taking a cruise and getting a rentboy.com man to carry my bags for me! #GeorgeRekkers

DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA Chameleon, you come and go… you come and go….

“Baseball, baseball, he thinks he’s gonna score. If you go all the way, then you are a whore.” – Ancient Mayan Proverb

#Snowden looks at the Departing Flights panel and see, “Life Airlines: DELAYED.” What an idiot!

Killing a Snow Harpie with a meteor was overkill, sure, but it looked fucking awesome!

Some of y’all need to seriously check your First World Privilege!

#AaronHernandez is being penalized for intentionally grounding his friend.

#AaronHernandez will be playing Tight End on the prison football team.

#AaronHernandez got his friend in the Red Zone!

With aim like that, why isn’t #AaronHernandez the QB?

Police were tipped off about #AaronHernandez when he stood on his porch yelling, “GOOOAAALLL!”

There’s a flag on the play! Referee, “Personal Foul, number 81, unnecessary roughness.”

#AaronHernandez thought NFL stood for No Friends Living.

#AaronHernandez ‘s troubles all started with Rumors.

6/27

The headline I wanted to see today: “Conservatives React to DOMA Ruling by Finally Coming Out of the Closet.”

I can’t tell if the “expandable garden hose” spam I’m getting is about my penis or an actual garden hose.

I’m going to make a new E-cig juice called DOMA: it’ll be a combination of fruits and nuts. Oh wait…

This week on Twitter (3/22 – 3/29)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.

3/24

It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!

FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…

It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.

The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!

Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.

In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!

“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday

How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?

I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”

If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?

I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!

I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.

I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday

Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.

Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”

You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.

“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday

Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.

3/25

Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace

3/26

Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.

Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.

Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed

I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed

Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed

Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed

Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated

Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated

If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated

I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage

I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality

Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal

3/27

Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.

3/28

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.

I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!