This week on Twitter (7/27 – 8/2)
When did Hardee’s become the fast food version of Cracker Barrel? Next thing you know… Hardees Funeral Home.
My sexting chat name is RU486.
Demand for apartments in Florida is so high that people will kill for them!
With so many shootings lately, maybe it’s time to bring bath salts back.
I always find it entertaining to see everyone in their Sunday best walking around in Kroger.
I like confusing church-goers on Sunday: I drive around in my ATHE1ST mobile while blaring Echoing Green on my radio.
Apparently the #GoldCupFinal is a tie between two girls.
If insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly with the same results, what does that say about the 40th vote to kill Obamacare?
#Smurfs2, wait, there was a Smurfs1? How did I not hear about what had to be the greatest film of the decade?
#Smurfs2, Smurfette finally meets Naughty Smurf: he totally smurfs that smurfing smurf.
I was feeling lonely, so I Googled pressure cookers, backpacks, nails, and explosives so the FBI would visit me.
Given Russia’s new anti-gay laws, I’m surprised they’re still hosting the Olympics: the gayest thing on the planet.
In Soviet Russia, stripper girlfriend is Zoya, the female agent who strip searches you.
1 in 5 women now choose to be childfree. That’s good news to single men on dating sites.
The Post Office wants to start delivering booze through the mail. That’ll raise the bar a bit!
Bars are dumping Stoli in the street to protest Russia. In other news, homeless people are lining the gutters.
The Smithsonian wants to display Trayvon’s hoodie. Probably in the Air & Space Museum to show off bullet aerodynamics.
Poll: Majority of Americans support “stand your ground.” In other news, majority of Americans are white.
Taiwanese lawmakers exchanged punches over a proposed nuclear power plant: showing US Republicans what an actual “nuclear option” is.
Genetic “Adam & Eve” identified. Still no word on the snake.
“Permission to cum aboard sir!” – best gay pickup line ever!
I say “bin Laden” in most of my phone conversations at least once: doing my part to keep jobs at the NSA.