BWAHAHA 11/29 – 12/5:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/29 – 12/5: I had the privilege this week of walking alongside my fellow human beings in the #ShutItDownHSV protest march. I can never understand what it’s like to be black in America because I’m not black. But what I can do is have some fucking empathy. What I can do is make an effort to understand the statistics and data that show racism is not over in America and that the very term “post-racial” is wrong. I can look at the data from the Justice Department and realize that something is very wrong with the system. I can read #CrimingWhileWhite and begin to grasp that as a white male I am treated differently than a black male. I can see with my own damn eyes the security guard in the mall trailing the group of black teenagers while the white kids who are actually shoplifting are left alone. White Privilege is not an insult, so don’t fucking freak out when it’s pointed out to you. Privilege is not the problem: not recognizing your own is and the worst is when you cannot recognize the lack of privilege in others. When some stupid idiot on Facebook says, “Yeah, because my Irish immigrant ancestors had tons of privilege” in their smartass denialism way, I just want to reach through the screen and smack the shit out of them. Yes, your Irish immigrant ancestors were scorned and faced tons of problems. But you know what they weren’t? They weren’t motherfucking black and they weren’t in chains picking cotton on plantations in Mississippi. I’m thinking about writing an entire blog about this issue to help my idiotic fellow white humans grasp this simple concept.

Mark your calendars for a good cause! Help out Huntsville’s homeless and get some good laughs. Donations are needed!

C’mon, help local comedy! As local comedy grows, so do the local comedians and the scene’s ability to bring in visiting comedians. Show your support and pre-buy a t-shirt! Plenty of sizes to choose from (yes, even big guys like myself).

 OTHER STUFF:

• Nooooooooooooooooooo! #TWD #TheWalkingDead Someone pass the Kleenex.
• I’m refusing to watch @AMCTalkingDead because I don’t want to cry. Seeing it once was enough trauma for one night. #TheWalkingDead
• If you didn’t watch tonight’s episode of #TheWalkingDead, you should stay off social media until you do. Seriously.
• While the books were nauseating, they were mildly entertaining, so I figured I’d give the Left Behind movie a chance. I lasted six minutes.
• Every electronic device in my house shows a different time. Even my computers. Stupid technology.

• 

  Just told my GF that I bought us a new comforter. It didn’t go over very well.

• Just busted my ass all week getting a site ready… and just now the site advises they’re still obligated for 90 days with the previous vendor. How does anyone not know this ahead of time? UGH! ACK!
• Watching some of my fellow white humans respond to #ShutItDownHSV is embarrassing. Your white privilege is showing. Just shut up. Please.
• The meatloaf I made last night was pretty spicy. After sitting overnight, it’s almost (almost) too spicy for even me.
• Why is everyone doing the speed limit and I’m at 7 over. Oh yeah, black neighborhood. I’m not afraid of being pulled over. #WhitePrivilege
• I disagree with you, so I said so on your post. Now that you’ve challenged me, I’m going to demand that we “agree to disagree.” #SMH
• I shoplifted as a teenager and the security guard just made me pay for what I stole instead of calling the cops. #CrimingWhileWhite
• Doing 100 MPH on I-95 in Hartford. State Trooper turned his lights on, then waved “thanks” as he passed me. #CrimingWhileWhite
• Why is it so hard for some adults to understand the concept of Civil Disobedience? It’s not a hard concept to understand. It’s simple.
• I’ve deleted the annoying Facebook Messenger App on my phone. Fuck that stupid piece of shit. That means if I’m not at my desk, I won’t respond to PMs. Text me instead or just fucking wait until I get home.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Raise your fist in solidarity with feminism! #FemiFisting
• NYPD should implement Stop, Drop, Roll & Frisk. That way they’re educating people while violating their rights. #ICantBreathe

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

• The Household Cats #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Constables #SoftenABand @midnight
• 4 Hot Blondes #SoftenABand @midnight
• Oxygen Supply #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Alan Parsons Condominium #SoftenABand @midnight
• Indigenous Ant Farm #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Modern Toys #SoftenABand @midnight
• Audiopaidlabor #SoftenABand @midnight
• The B-52 Vitamins #SoftenABand @midnight
• Black & Yellow Winged Insects, Geeze! #SoftenABand @midnight
• Tiny Country #SoftenABand @midnight
• The Birthday Cuddle Party #SoftenABand @midnight @TBMassacre
• Visionary Melon #SoftenABand @midnight
• Happy October #SoftenABand @midnight
• Quietown Rats #SoftenABand @midnight
• Toddler George #SoftenABand @midnight
• Corey Myocardium #SoftenABand @midnight
• Crash Test Nerds #SoftenABand @midnight
• Spacious House #SoftenABand @midnight
• Still Kickin’ Kennedys #SoftenABand @midnight
• Echo & the Funnymen #SoftenABand @midnight
• Stay In Line Boy #SoftenABand @midnight
• Satiated Lucy #SoftenABand @midnight @hungrylucy
• Iggy Slight Ping #SoftenABand @midnight
• Joan Jett & the Kindhearts #SoftenABand @midnight
• Johnny Adores Jazz #SoftenABand @midnight
• Kate Clean Shaven #SoftenABand @midnight
• Love and Hot Pockets #SoftenABand @midnight
• All Systems Check Parade #SoftenABand @midnight
• Men At Casual Play #SoftenABand @midnight
• Men Wearing Fedoras #SoftenABand @midnight
• New Centrists #SoftenABand @midnight
• Papa Lovebug #SoftenABand @midnight
• Pop Will Lick Itself #SoftenABand @midnight
• Skinemax for Pyros #SoftenABand @midnight
• Advanced Radio Gods #SoftenABand @midnight
• Puddle of Perrier #SoftenABand @midnight
• Elegant Minds #SoftenABand @midnight
• Siouxsie & the Crying Ladies #SoftenABand @midnight
• Sweet’n Low Ray #SoftenABand @midnight
• Life Tendencies #SoftenABand @midnight
• Mumbling Heads #SoftenABand @midnight
• It’s Now Tuesday #SoftenABand @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Coming to theaters this Spring… CUJO 2: Let’s Play Fetch

You know, that elephant wouldn’t be bothering you if you shot and killed it and made utensils out of its husks.

In a surprising twist, police sprayed protesters with ReddiWip. One protester said, “It’s like bukkake, but better.”

Tensions in North Korea mounted today when the NK Navy threatened to throw rocks at US Navy ships.

Introducing the new iScratch&Sniff from Apple. We didn’t make it for porn, but we know that’s what you’ll use it for.

OMG, The Cute, it hurts so bad!

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

BWAHAHA: 7/5 – 7/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/5 – 7/11: I wrapped up my vacation in Arkansas and came home. It’s always good to be home. I also decided to no longer do standup comedy this week (see below for the link if you missed it), but I’ll still do the BWAHAHA because I’ll always be stupid and silly.

OTHER STUFF

“You’re not going to mass?”
“I don’t go to church.”
“This isn’t for you, it’s for John & Jane.”
“I don’t go to church.”
Vacation ends on a high note

Leaving the Scene

Wearing my JAWS shirt to the Beach Boys concert. Totally appropriate. #BeachBoys

There are more Hawaiian shirts here than were at Pearl Harbor on December 6, 1941. #BeachBoys

John Stamos is on stage with the Beach Boys playing guitar and drums. Showoff. #BeachBoys

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Canoe goes in the water, you go in the canoe… You go in the water, canoe keeps going down the river without you. #Tippecanoe #Ouch

When after a long break from gaming you can’t remember if R1 or R2 fires the weapon and you die. #LoadLastCheckpoint

The action and adventure buff in me really likes The Last Ship, but the ex sailor in me cringes every few minutes they get shit wrong.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Someone’s over-compensating.

Where baby trucks come from. Our where libertarians are in charge.

All officers, be on the lookout for a hit & run suspect vehicle: a red & white truck with the words Coke on it.

I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as accidental porn… but I could be wrong.

If only we had places like this in America, so all the racists were easily identifiable.

The ignorant are unlikely to catch the mistake, but are more likely not to buy it without a “USA Flag.”

Go watch a flood wearing your short shorts, because you’ll never need survival gear. Nope. Never.

Best friends are willing to show the world their ass so that you don’t have to.

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

I’m pretty sure there’s a back garage for getting car radios installed.

BWAHAHA: 2/1 – 2/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/1 – 2/7: I got to spend the beginning of the week in Fort Myers and Naples, Florida, where I enjoyed 85 degree weather for a few days. After being stuck in ice in the Florida panhandle and arctic temperatures in northern Alabama, it was a refreshing change. I even got a bit of sunburn on my driving elbow. My friends were mad at me for posting about it on Facebook. Jealous fuckers.

Then there was the Super Bowl. There really wasn’t anything super about it this year: the commercials sucked, the Broncos sucked (fuck ‘em), the halftime show sucked. The best part was watching the Seahawks finally win a Super Bowl after waiting 30 years for it! No, I take that back, the best part was watching all the Broncos fans whine.

2/1

Obligatory prison selfie.

I got divorced and now all my friends are getting married. You’re welcome, fuckers! #OfficialFifthWheel

2/2

I had to listen to the 1st Quarter on the radio while driving. Felt weird until I saw other drivers cheering when I did. #SuperBowl

Oh no, I like football! The horror! C’mon, sport shaming people? Really? Fuck you. #SuperBowl

Seattle Seahawks should hire Manning to be their QB, since he keeps throwing them the football. #SuperBowl

Singing America the Beautiful in foreign languages Coke? Oh, that’s gonna piss off the Conservatards. #SuperBowl

Coke sings American the Beautiful in foreign languages & now a Cosmos ad? Poor conservatards got it rough this #SuperBowl.

Anyone else remember when Halftime Shows were actually shows and not mini concerts? #SuperBowl

When did the Temptations get a new singer? #HalftimeShow

Called it! #CokeRage

Okay, maybe the Broncos smoked too much pot before coming on the field… #SuperBowl

This is just a fucking slaughter! Kinda feel bad for the Broncos… wait, no I don’t. #SuperBowl

“Is there anything more American than America?” – Chrysler
That’s a trick question! The answer is Soviet Russia! #SuperBowl

Broncos fans be like, it’s playing at sea level, the field was wet, or other excuses. #DenverChoke

So what are they going to do with all the unused Denver confetti? #SuperBowl

Donate the unused Denver confetti to New Jersey homeless people to use as insulation in their cardboard boxes! #SuperBowl

Downtown Seattle…

Chevrolet just gave a truck away to someone who could afford to buy 10,000 of them on his own. #SuperBowl

American football team Broncos found dead in their Manhattan apartment with a needle in their arm, police say.

Philip Seymour Offman

Curt Clawson (Republican Congressional candidate for Florida) just said, “I’m a baller” on the news.

2/3

Lesson Hollywood hasn’t learned yet: making good actors play evil people makes them kill themselves.

Ever notice how the loudest people complaining about “speak English in ‘Murica” are ones who haven’t mastered English themselves?

I enjoyed 82 degree weather with 62% humidity today. Even got a bit of a tan on my driving arm. #UpYoursPolarVortex!

Every time I think I’ve encountered all the porn on the Internet… someone invents a new fetish.

2/4

I feel your pain, kid. I feel your pain.

I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn today out in the 86 degree weather. #DamnYouPolarVortex!

All your bench are belong to tree.

I got nothin’… Anyone explain this?

Wait, they sell this now? WTF Kroger & Publix? Get on it!

I love how Nye keeps referring to “traditional scientists” and “how science is done out there.” #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham, if the natural laws didn’t change (because god made them), then how come rainbows didn’t exist until after the flood? #NyeVsHamDebate

Bill Nye is struggling to not make a WTF face. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, I’m going to ignore all your questions by pointing out the one question you didn’t answer. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, “Depends on what your definition of IS is.” #NyeVsHamDebate

My car has made an appearance in several people’s Facebook Lookback videos. Can’t decide if that’s weird or cool.

2/5

We always look forward to getting back to our beds after being on the road, but it dawned on me tonight that we look forward to our brand of toilet paper as well, even if we don’t consciously think about it.

2/7

12 Banshees, 8 Giant Skeletons, 8 Sekeleton Mage, and a giant Undead Dragon in one room: game’s fucking with me now.

If everyone keeps making fun of Russia over #Sochi, they’re gonna launch their nukes. You’ll start WWIII, kid!

BWAHAHA: 1/25 – 1/31

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/25 – 1/31: I got to travel to Florida this week: Panama City to be exact. There really is no good way to get there from my house. I had to go through suckage. And by suckage I mean small towns with really low speed limits, and then when you do get to go fast, you’re stuck behind Farmer John on his slow ass tractor or the Q-Tip driving her Lincoln 20 under the speed limit and she’s still freaking out that she may be going too fast. And when you finally get a passing lane… there are now cars coming in the other direction so you can’t pass.

I made it to Florida a few hours ahead of this year’s Southern Snowmageddon. The ice turned the panhandle of Florida into a ghost town. Of course down here along the Redneck Riviera, it’s practically a ghost town between summers anyway. Watching me fellow Southerners fail miserably on the roads across Alabama, Georgia, and Florida was laughable, but at the same time if you understand the conditions around here, it’s not as funny as you think. Or it’s funnier. I can’t really decide.

I’m working in a prison down here that is going through a contract change. Apparently the employees weren’t happy, because only four of them showed up for work. That means there is one guard for every 450 inmates right now in the prison. Scared yet?

1/26

Two days in a row I got into the car and the radio started playing Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Glad I’m not superstitious.

1/27

I wanted to be impressed by a grandma doing 95 on the interstate, then figured she probably thought she was doing 55.

Owning my hotel room.

My hotel room shower looks like something out of porn. Even has a jacuzzi.

It took thousands of years, but the Stork Theory has finally been disproved!

1/28

I say all the time, “The only seafood I like is hushpuppies.” It’s amazing how many people say, “But hushpuppies aren’t seafood!” /facepalm

Why does (R) Rep Cathy McMorris Rodgers sound like she’s reading from a children’s book? #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ third-grade reading class sure learned a lot from her tonight. #SOTU

(R) Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ speech has been brought to you tonight by the Letters F and U and the Number 0. #SOTU

The one song you’ll get a guaranteed air drum out of me: In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins

I was on the Funny to the Moon podcast talking about minimum/living wage, #SOTU, and much more!

1/29

The palm fronds here have icicles on their tips. It’s cute… in a stupid ass kind of way.

LOL… Florida weather is great!

Man, the prostitutes around here are kind of bottom of the barrel.

1/30

LOL… Florida weather.

Not all parts of Alabama are jammed with stuck cars.

An Alaskan on vacation in Birmingham, Alabama.

Florida 4 wheel drive for winter: his other car is stuck in the ice.

We don’t have sleds in Alabama!

We don’t have snow shovels in Alabama.