BWAHAHA: 5/10 – 5/16

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/10 – 5/16: On the 10th I participated in The Gong Show here in Huntsville, put on by Clockwork Comedy. I was the first contestant to not get gonged and one of only three contestants to not get gonged during the entire show. I performed the song “Things Creationists Hate.” Unfortunately, I did not know about the lightning round and had no other material prepared, so I just did Edelweiss. I considered doing it as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Louis Armstrong, but just sang it normally. Later, after I got gonged, one of the judges said, “You know, had you done it in a different voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn’t have gonged you.” Well there you go, more anecdotal evidence that going with your first instinct is always right.

I went to see Godzilla on Friday night and it was amazing. If you are a fan of the genre, you will like this movie. They stuck to the genre with the appropriate level of campiness. There were plenty of tips of the hat to the classics as well. The complaints I’m seeing about the movie make no sense to me. One is that it’s all “America, Fuck Yeah!” I didn’t see that at all. What I saw was the American military getting its ass handed to it. The one time the word “America” appeared on the screen, it was on the TV and the bit was making fun of tickers and modern news channels (subtle humor, but great). Another complaint was about things like how lucky the character was, how the nuke team got lucky to find the only Navy EOD tech who was just happening to walk right by, etc. Well, see, that shit happens in every fucking movie, because it’s called FICTION, but you only notice it when you don’t like a movie, and that’s called confirmation bias. I mean, really, there’s this 500′ monster fighting off a giant flying parasite and an even bigger parasite who just laid eggs, who eat and live off radiation, but that’s acceptable… but that EOD guy being in the right place at the right time, well dammit, now the movie has just crossed the reality threshold into the absurd! It’s like some people have never seen old Godzilla movies. Look, if you’re not a fan of the Godzilla genre, then go and watch the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla, because it actually wasn’t a Godzilla movie at all. People are funny. Just allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the FICTION!

5/11

Weird, Facebook suddenly became MILF porn today… #MothersDay

Damn, that butt’s so big I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor to Pluto being downgraded from a planet.

Those are supposed to be eyeballs… Yeah, sure they are…

For oral sex with squirters.

That’s racist.

5/12

Why am I the only one yelling, “Fight! Fight!” at the dog park? And why is everyone giving me the evil eye?

5/13

I posted a few Tornado Tips to help you out this season.

Today I was proven wrong… not all comedians are intelligent. Yep, all those scientists are wrong, but you, the fry cook, you figured that shit out.

In related news, since the announcement of Palin’s visit, the sale of Viagra to Republican men has increased tenfold in the Tennessee Valley.

The modern clothes line.

5/15

To me, there’s a huge difference between edible and eatable.

In 2002 I looked at this photo and realized I needed to shave my head. #TBT #Balding

It’s feeding time!

You should really be more aware of your surroundings when taking photos and video…

“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

For some of us, leaving the house without pants on is a nightmare.

Now who put a perfectly good couch out there for disposal?

I was fine with Katy Perry’s “Birthday” video until the end: then I was torn between erection and convulsion:

5/16

My cats aren’t killing the birds or fighting off the stray cats who are eating their food. Fucking Socialists!

Every time my stove timer goes off I have to finish the intro to Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4”.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is promoting e-cigs, I may have to just resort to cocaine. I guess e-cigs don’t cause autism.

Superman and Zod still did more damage to the city than Godzilla and two MUTO! #GodzillaMovie

If #Godzilla is an Alpha Predator, then how come we never see him eat his kills?

BWAHAHA: 10/19 – 10/25

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/19 – 10/25: Getting closer to Halloween when all the kids empty into the streets to take candy from a stranger: you know, something we tell our kids not to do the rest of the year. Around my house there is no trick-or-treating. My area has been taken over by Trunk-Or-Treat, the Christian answer to the Satan’s holiday. I find that more dangerous than taking candy from a stranger… but that’s just me.

10/19

I should put this sign on the front door of my house.

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices.

Hot chocolate, French Vanilla creamer, and walnut brownie milkshake. Just because.

10/20

If Republicans want regulations on the vagina, then shouldn’t they put the EPA in charge of it?

10/21

I’m going to open up an automobile repair shop and call it The Carmacy.

To fuck conspiracy theorists, I’m going to open up a pharmacy and call it Big Pharma-C.

When going up a hill, there’s this thing called gravity you have to overcome: SO PUSH THE ACCELERATOR!!!!

If you’re 80 and doing 45 in a 65 and scared by the cars passing you: you shouldn’t be driving.

If you stop 100 feet short of the white line at a red light: you have a depth perception problem and shouldn’t be driving.

You really shouldn’t stand behind me. I’ve been eating chorizo & huevos for three days straight.

Necrophilia: the desire to have sex with a Republican.

Because someone challenged me to do it. Oh yeah, MS Paint skills… still got ’em! LOL

And here is why that picture happened:

Blair Scott: “Although, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a shrimp’s head.”
Are we still talking about food or sex now?

JS: LMAO food!

Blair Scott: Thread derailment successful.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Take that G W Bush!

JS: bwahahaha
And unlike his, yours actually was accomplished! Good job!

Blair Scott: Now I just need a picture of me on a flight deck with my little shrimp head.

JS: ROTFLMAO!!! You could always use photoshop for that!
Go do it now. I wanna see it!!

“Crime of Passion” sounds like something your Dominatrix would accuse you of before spanking your ass.

10/22

Gotta stop playing so much #GTA, it’s affecting my real life! At least I have car and home owner’s insurance! http://fb.me/2htG6irAm

My Internet is down! Nooooooooooooooo!!! This is how Zombiepocalypse starts.

Oooh, she’s a real redhead. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?

Maybe the ACA lines wouldn’t be as busy if FOX reporters would stop calling it to test it.

Satan is just a horn in my side.

Gotta go to bed. I’m head-bobbing at my keyboard. The last time I did that I woke up with QWERTY on my cheek.

10/23

That helicopter was flying low enough that it shook my house. Thanks Obama!

Pepper Jack cheese in chili is awesome, but it does kinda make the chili look like vomit. Bon appétit!

Church in Alabama to raise 23-story cross. Six months from now we’ll all be speaking different languages again…. http://fb.me/1LIXLpplG

I know more atheists who converted to theism for a girlfriend than theology. Vagina: more powerful than gods.

I’d be more impressed with the KKK if they didn’t wear hoods. If you’re going to be a bigot, own up to that shit!

The firing range says I can’t use targets that depict humans. I guess I wasted that money on Miley Cyrus posters.

Agree to have sex with an entire up-and-coming band and #seetheworld for free!

I have my Be Secular shirt and Reason Rally hoodie on. I’m seculayered!

I keep hearing people talk about the plutocracy… but how is that possible since Pluto’s not a planet anymore?

Aimed for the trashcan, hit the side. Now there’s blueberry lemonade all over my kitchen floor. Thanks Obama!

10/24

I hereby pause the Internet for 8 hours while I sleep. That is all.

You know your sex life is bad when you have to give a Roofie to a blowup doll.

Critical Eye Podcast E039: Halloween Show with comedy guests Emery Emery, Mike Lee, and Pat O’Dude!

10/25

I’ve learned over the years that most cases of “FUCK YOU!” translate as, “I DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH!” Exceptions granted.

Sign I created for the Halloween Party.

Just sayin’…

So many parties…

100 Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar…

My aunt died in a ferocious penguin attack. That’s why I don’t watch Batman.

A prostitute asked me if I wanted to open Pandora’s Box. I was confused until she told me her name was Pandora.

As we drew closer I looked deep into the mosaic of your eyes. As they came into focus I realized I was looking at different colors of bullshit.

Relaxing to some Incubite! Well, maybe relaxing is the wrong word. Let’s just say my head’s flinging all over the place.