BWAHAHA 1/10 – 1/16:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/10 – 1/16: It sleeted and snowed in Huntsville, Alabama on the 15th. Northerners may find that odd, but it’s not as uncommon here in North Alabama as one would think (just four years ago we had 12″ of snow on the ground at my house). What made this event unique was not the snow and sleet, but the fact that the city did not shut down at all. No school closings. No businesses shutting down. Redstone Arsenal stayed open. Colleges stayed open. The I-565 overpasses stayed open. If you live anywhere around Huntsville, you’ll know that the overpasses staying open is a major fucking deal when it comes to getting snow and ice in these parts. So well done Huntsville, you actually didn’t panic this time and there is still bread and milk in the grocery stores.

This week was both tedious and boring. Tedious because of all the sites I’m working on and then my boss threw three more on top of me. Tons of work to do for those sites. Boring, because it’s pretty much the same work for every single site. For those that don’t know, I work with prisons and jails. Both of those have a tendency to locate themselves in small towns and rural areas. The reason they do so is because small towns and rural areas vote them in so that the inmates count as their population, thus making their state and federal tax revenue greater. Yep, prisons are a money-making scheme all around. But newsflash prisons: building in those areas makes it hard sometimes to get the telecommunications that you need. A prison in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania that I’m working on is suffering from that now. The local TelCo cannot get the circuits I need until March 31st. So much for getting their system in within 45 days of the order coming in. Sure, build for economic reasons up front, but in the long run, that shit’s gonna cost you more than you’ve got coming in.

Friday night I had the pleasure of performing at the Alright Bayou Comedy Show here in Huntsville. It was an amazing show with a great crowd and my fellow comedians were awesome. Make sure you keep up with local comedy in Huntsville by following Huntsville Comedy on Twitter or Facebook and check out the Huntsville Comedy web page as well!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Habanero powder in the nose… great way to start the night. On the plus side (after 100 sneezes), I can breathe really great!
  • I guess I didn’t clean off the driver’s seat well enough… I now have a piece of glass stuck in my left ass cheek. Fun times ahead…
  • I always appreciate when the Oscars nominations release: it lets me know which movies I don’t want to see (with a 99% accuracy rating).
  • I like how a country music station in Texas favorited my Tweet about me not liking country music.
  • It’s scary how well the Internet knows me sometimes…
  • Snowmageddon: We’re All Gonna DIE! #alwx

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Some of us are getting more snow than others. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • Useth thou cell to texteth thine archers to unleasheth fury upon thine enemies!

    Useth thou cell to texteth thine archers to unleasheth fury upon thine enemies!

  • Now everyone knows that Christina doesn't want to get married. Ever. Learn something new: Gamophobia or Anthrophobia?

    Now everyone knows that Christina doesn’t want to get married. Ever. Learn something new: Gamophobia or Anthrophobia?

  • Someone needs to let Mike's Mom know he sleeps with the fishes.

    Someone needs to let Mike’s Mom know he sleeps with the fishes.

  • We're all gonna DIE!!!!!!!

    We’re all gonna DIE!!!!!!!

  • What it feels like to put on a condom.

    What it feels like to put on a condom.

  • Charles instantly regretted wearing pink to the black tie event.

    Charles instantly regretted wearing pink to the black tie event.

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BWAHAHA 11/1 – 11/7:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.

I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.

Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!

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OTHER STUFF:

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.

Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr

Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”

I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.

The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.

My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead

I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight

Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight

‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight

George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight

John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight

Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight

Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight

Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight

Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight

It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE

Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Republican Fire Department

Republican Fire Department

"Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C'mon, don't be shy boys!"

“Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C’mon, don’t be shy boys!”

Here honey, let me get that for you...

Here honey, let me get that for you…

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?