BWAHAHA: 9/6 – 9/12

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/6 – 9/12: This was a fun week for me. I got to go out and help a friend celebrate a birthday. Suzie and I met our goals for the house and we had a housewarming party with our friends. I think my friends were unsure of what to expect and had a weird time at the party. For those that don’t know, my house was THE party house. It was not uncommon to have 50-60 people partying their asses off at my house. My house took one helluva a beating over the years from all the parties. My carpets were shot, there was damage to walls, etc. Suzie and I have been busting our asses to get the house back to living conditions: in other words, a house meant for something other than a bachelor. So the party was fun and we had great conversations and played a game, but it wasn’t a normal Blair party and I think that weirded everyone out.

I made a joke this week about the 9/11 anniversary. Well, technically, the joke was about the whole “never forget” stuff that everyone posts. It’s important to note that I was across the river in Seacaucus, New Jersey when 9/11 happened and in NYC on 9/10. I watched 9/11 unfold out of my hotel window: not on TV. 9/11 is something that resonates with me and still gets me choked up. But I can also make light of our fears and our sometimes misguided sense of nationalism in the post-9/11 environment. I did just that and someone told me, “You can’t make jokes about 9/11. It’s un-American.” I responded, “You can’t make jokes about Mohamed. It’s un-Islamic.” I think they got the point. Telling someone they can’t say one thing or another is actually the most un-American thing you can do. You know… Freedom of Speech and stuff.

OTHER STUFF:

When the Zombiepocalypse starts, it will spread quickly because people will think it’s a prank being filmed for YouTube.

My Dr. gave me meds for my RLS. I looked it up and it’s also used for Parkinson’s. I should’ve known, as the bottle said “Shake before use.”

My back didn’t itch until I picked up the back scratcher to move it. Stupid brain.

Wait… the Marines are a corporation? <it’s a joke, don’t get all Simper Fight on me>

I feel like there was something I was supposed to remember today. Damn… what was it? Oh yeah, I gotta wash my car or the terrorists win.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

After some serious thought for two seconds I have decided that I’m okay with the Lions beating the Giants. #NFL

Lions are like, “Rules? There are rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.” #PenaltyFlag #ArmchairQuarterback

Pop! Eye #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Bugs Bloody #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Melvin and the Cheap Monks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Gaddafi Duck #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Plastic Manboobs #SpookyCartoons @midnight

God Almighty Mouse #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Fat Prince Albert #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Witchy Witch #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Heathcliffhanger #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Trollskins #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Speed Muggy #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Slyvester & Tweeting While Driving #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Mangamonium #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Spurt Tails #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Manchichis #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Dungeons and Drag Queens #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Turbo Teen Wolf #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Muppet Rabies #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Kissyfuhrer #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Jem and the Horrorams #SpookyCartoons @midnight

King of the Hill People #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Greasy Spoondocks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Sutureama #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Strife & Crimes of Tim #SpookyCartoons @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

Spanish bowling.

It’s a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

Meanwhile in Alabama…

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Ketchup… it does a body good.

“If you didn’t want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?”

“Where the drugs, man? I know you got ’em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!”

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

When Malaysian Airlines flies over…

BWAHAHA: 9/28 – 10/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/28 – 10/4: So the government shutdown this week after some moron ironically read us Green Eggs and Ham. My VA check was delayed, causing me to eat Ramen noodles for two more fucking days! But hey, I got to land a 747 on a short desert runway thanks to GTA5!

9/28

“This house is clean!”

“[Jesus] didn’t walk around all willy nilly just passing out free healthcare to those who were sick, or food to those who were hungry…” – Ted Cruz. Um, didn’t Jesus heal the sick and feed the masses? #StupidRepublitards

I wanted to pull my carpet up before the party, but waxing really hurts.

Here’s to using ride-on mowers as large mechanical rakes!

In the 5th grade a girl saw my penis and said it was too big. I wonder if she thinks the same thing now that she’s 42.

9/29

The penalty flag giveth, and the penalty flag taketh away.

I watched the season finale of Breaking Bad. Now I don’t have to watch five years worth of it.

I joined Christian Mingle for shits & giggles. I left Christian Mingle with fits and fizzles.

Why should I symbolically adopt a tiger when I can shoot one instead? I want to try out my new camera. #WWF

9/30

In movies, lava bombs only hit the roads that people are using to escape. Then stop once the people die. Volcanoes hate people.

If my VA disability doesn’t post to my bank in 23 minutes I’m going to get mad and yell at the TV. That’ll teach ’em!

Can we use the money we’re saving during the shutdown to fund recalls of Republicans and special elections to replace them?

The best part of a shutdown is our legislators still get paid. And that’s important because we love them so much!

Worried about government rape? No biggie, they’ve got ways to shut that whole thing down.

So now that the government’s shut down, can we start behaving like Somali pirates? #LibertarianUtopia

The government is shut down and people aren’t getting paid… what, Miley Cyrus has a new video out? Where?!?!?!

10/1

They put ’em down and teabagged their victims! Then I realized it was Washington and not on my FPS MMO.

The best part about a Dictatorship is that only a coup can shut that government down.

In US, we shuttin’ down… In Soviet Russia, they Putin On the Ritz!

This is one time I hope the kids take their ball and go home, because their rules are stupid. #Republitards

I think the Republicans have been playing too much #GTA5. Look at ’em goin’ all gangsta on the gummint!

Insert rude, obnoxious, facetious, sarcastic, and blasphemous atheist comment here.

So my VA check didn’t get deposited. Fuck you very much Republitards.

10/2

RIP Jack Ryan: Marine, CIA agent, President, and all-around awesome fictional character.

10/3

Hurricane Karen says, “Shutdown? I’ll show you a fucking shutdown! No money for FEMA, aw, too bad!”

10/4

The sign said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Didn’t say anything about No Pants. (Picture from Tosh.O)

Doing my part to piss off Conservatives!

“Only web sites necessary to protect lives and property will be maintained.” Um, isn’t NOAA necessary for just that?