BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

  • My favorite way to do the tip line.

    My favorite way to do the tip line.

  • I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
  • When you don't have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can't throw away.

    When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

  • Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
  • Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

    Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

  • Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
  • The cutest picture you'll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

    The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

  • Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
  • My favorite Indian food is tacos.
  • I think Michael’s might be confused.
  • Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.
  • Where's a wooden stake when you need one?

    Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

  • From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
  • Clearly I'm playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

    Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

  • Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
  • I'm gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

    I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

  • I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
  • Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
  • I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
  • Huntsville's MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

    Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

  • If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
  • “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
  • If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
  • When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
  • I guess the cat's hungry.

    I guess the cat’s hungry.

  • My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
  • Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
  • One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
  • I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
  • When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
  • Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
  • I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
  • Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
  • Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
  • Something seems off here. Can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

    Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

  • Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

    Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

  • Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
  • Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
  • A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
  • Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

    Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

  • Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
  • Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
  • I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
  • If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!
  • Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

    Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

  • I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
  • Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
  • It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
  • Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
  • The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
  • If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
  • When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
  • Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
  • I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
  • They're selling an empty record for that much!

    They’re selling an empty record for that much!

  • Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
  • Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

    Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

  • Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
  • I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
  • The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
  • The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
  • Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
  • Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
  • How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
  • I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
  • I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I'm pretty sure that sign reads "Help Me."

    I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

  • WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

    WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

  • Gun safety? Never heard of it. t's like a mouse, just point an click, right?

    Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

  • They see me rollin.' They hatin.' Patrolling they tryin' to catch me ridin' purty!

    They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

  • Hey! Who ordered delivery?

    Hey! Who ordered delivery?

  • The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

    The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

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BWAHAHA 4/4 – 4/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/4 – 4/10: This was a super fun week for us. We went to Memphis to enjoy the sights, sounds, and foods. We also got to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen in a couple of years since I left the movement. Going back into that scene there were a few times where I was reminded of why I left the movement in the first place. What’s the movement? I’m not going to explain it. It’s too long of a story. Those who know what I’m talking about benefit here.

Thanks to recent events, we’re more broke than normal. That made the decision to go or not to Memphis a tough one. We had already paid for the hotels months ago. So we just had to come up with gas and food costs. This meant that the money we did spend needed to count. So eating at places with horrible food just really pissed us off. Ribs are ribs are ribs, right? Well, they should be. What should separate a place is not the meat, but the sauce. Unfortunately, there are places that don’t know how to cook the meat properly. The only reason they still exist is because of tourism (I’m still irked at myself for falling into a tourist trap). The locals do not eat there because they know better. Well, now we know better too. If you do know how to cook the meat so it’s perfect, you better have a damn good sauce! So why were two places using fucking Kraft BBQ sauce? Seriously!?!?!?!? If you didn’t buy it off the shelf and actually made it yourself, why would you make a sauce that tastes just fucking like Kraft BBQ sauce?

The crazy part of the trip was that everything we wanted to do was closed. Mud Island opened up the weekend after our visit. The Botanical Gardens were closed for a stupid Easter Egg hunt (fuck you Easter Bunny, you fascist commie neo-Nazi pig). The Civil Rights Museum was closed because it was the anniversary of the assassination of MLK. We actually decided to go to that, but realized quickly that it was way too crowded and parking and traffic were a nightmare. So we spent our days and most nights on Beale St. That was just fine with us.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Listening to foreign tourists is always fun. “German German German German Memphis best ribs German German Elvis German German German.”
  • Found my new look.

    Found my new look.

  • I just thought the world should know that Suzie is in the bathroom singing Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. I love that woman! LOL
  • All in a line for me. Hoping for some good lightning shots. Chasing after 3am. Lol

    All in a line for me. Hoping for some good lightning shots. Chasing after 3am. Lol

  • When I see other players on a Destiny map, I go help them. But here I am, fighting all the big stuff… by myself. LOL
  • Seriously, deodorant is a thing. Fucking use it! We don’t want to smell you from fifteen feet away. Oh, and patchouli makes it worse. Ugh!
  • Accidental twinsies tonight. Both in khakis, black shirt, and hiking shoes. Waiting outside for Seabound. — at The Masquerade.

    Accidental twinsies tonight. Both in khakis, black shirt, and hiking shoes. Waiting outside for Seabound. — at The Masquerade.

  • Current playlist… I’m sensing a theme here…
    • I’m So Sick
    • I Can’t Breathe
    • Sick and Tired
    • Sickliest Creep
    • Down With The Sickness
    • Flatline

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • I Rage Quit My Life #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • He Died Screaming… At Republicans #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Miracle He Lived That Long #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Poor Fellow Drowned in Jell-O #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Stupid Mortals Crucified Me Again #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Quit Smoking, Died While Exercising #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Took His Ball & Went Home #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Failed To Start the Zombiepocalypse #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Missed It By This Much #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Hey, Someone Video Tape This #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Wow, Lightning Does Strike Twice #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
  • Lasted Longer Than Four Hours #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight

BWAHAHA 3/7 – 3/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/7 – 3/13: I was at a Mexican restaurant earlier this week eating their awesome lunch buffet. This restaurant is in what is considered to be the “rural” area of Huntsville. Within a mile of my house is shopping centers, million dollar homes, meth labs, cattle ranches, cotton fields, horse ranches, and trailer parks. So you never really know who you’re going to come across when spending the day among the natives. The table behind me were racists. I don’t mean the accidental or ignorant kind: I mean the Dixie brand wearing, Confederate flag waving, Garth Brooks worshiping, goin’ muddin’, engine and washing machine in the front yard, momma’s a meth head, mean spirited, and hateful kinda racists. I mean, being a racist and having a racist conversation is bad enough, but when you feel empowered enough to have that conversation so loud that everyone in the section can hear you? Well, that’s just a whole new level of bad. During their conversation I learned that there are more black racists than white racists. I also learned that blacks don’t want equality, but special treatment (Is that at least a small recognition that black people currently don’t have equality? Nah, they’re not smart enough for that level of thinking). Let’s see, what else did I learn from the racists adjacent to me. I learned that it’s not really a black or white thing, per se, but an interracial thing (gosh, if only those black people kept to themselves and left us white folks alone!). But then the best thing happened. One of the women there started talking about how her mom was from Guam (you know, not white) and that her name used to be Torres, but she changed it so people wouldn’t think she’s a dirty Mexican (Fuck them, but their food is amazing! Am I right?!). Did her friends freak out and suddenly demand that this horrible impure mudblood leave the pure white American flag waving table? Nope. I guess it’s okay to be not 100% white as long as you have enough hatred in you to fit in with the rest of the morons you’re hanging out with.

When your close friends wish you happy birthday, that means something. Right? When you family wishes you a happy birthday, that means something as well. Right? Thanks to social networking sites, no one has to actually remember when your birthday is anymore: even your family. Everyone is reminded that it’s your birthday. What that means is that instead of saying “thanks” to the fifteen people who are routinely a part of my life, I’m now saying “thanks” to 500+ people who feel the need to type “Happy Birthday” because Facebook fucking told them it was my birthday. Let’s not mention the fact that the last time we even talked on Facebook was last year when you wished me Happy Birthday and I replied, “Thanks!” Just like this year. Facebook and other social media sites that remind everyone when it’s your birthday, have made birthdays annoying. I think I’m going to hide my birthday on Facebook. Then again, if I did that, my family and best friends would forget about it… On the awesome side, my girlfriend gave me a Vape Cake!

Awesome Vape Cake! ClouporT8, with Nautilus tank, two batteries, and a bottle of Mother's Milk and VG.

Awesome Vape Cake! Cloupor T8, with Nautilus tank, two batteries, and a bottle of Mother’s Milk and VG.

OTHER STUFF:

  • I’ve discovered a Hipster hive. If I find the queen Hipster, I’ll kill her and save humanity. Wish me luck, I’m going in!
  • They were even worse than Hipsters… they were Hippisters: dreadlocks & patchouli with Abercrombie from a Thrift Store!!!!
  • And the seal opened and voices cried in woe and there was a great gnashing of teeth as the trumpet blaired. ‪#‎IFarted‬
  • Birthdays are annoying when no one remembers and equally annoying when everyone remembers.
  • My yard is farting. The ground is so saturated, the septic tank has nowhere to go, so the gases bubble up the surface and ‪#‎ChemicalAttack‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Sasha be like, “Pft, white people.” ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎deadbuzz‬
  • Advice from Twitter? Perfect! ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Wipe first, pants second. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Porcupines make horrible pillows. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Puppies are like veal. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬
  • Bob’s better in marinade. ‪#‎GoodAdviceIn4Words‬ ‪#‎TWD‬

BWAHAHA 10/11 – 10/17:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/11 – 10/17: I’m on the road in Pittsburgh this week. Mostly bored off my ass since the techs have everything under control and I’m here only because the contract requires a project manager on site. So I sit in my hotel room on conference calls all day… staring out the window at Pittsburgh, well, at least I think it’s Pittsburgh, because it looks like the set to The Walking Dead or The Last of Us.

OTHER STUFF:

Lightning captured with cell phone camera.

If they ever make Dr. Who a woman, they’ll have to rename it to Dr. Who-Ha.

If you’re a hippie, please don’t stand in front of the fan. Now the entire room smells like B.O. and patchouli.

I brought the obligatory chocolate pudding to the season premier of #TheWalkingDead

Older woman pulling into the oil change Bay next to me almost drove into the hole. The mechanic was screaming at her.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

FoodValu, where the employees are still in high school and the customers have already purchased plots at the cemetery.

Watching the Ebola patient drive through Atlanta reminds me of the OJ Chase, except the woman’s not dead, yet.

The idiocy being said regarding Ebola is hyperEbolic! The only thing airborne is fear-mongering and ignorance: that shit’s contagious!

Critical Eye Podcast E045: Fifth Annual Halloween Show – It’s a Scary World Outside

My hotel room last night smelled of BO. I was worried it was me. Now I know it’s the housekeeper who stink. #DeodorantSavesLives

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Tweakin’ ULY55E55 #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Drake Gatsby #HipHopBooks @midnight

Travi$ Scott Fitzgerald #HipHopBooks @midnight

Brave New World Boyz #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Soulja and the Fury #HipHopBooks @midnight

Trey Sons and Lovers #HipHopBooks @midnight

Sean Wington of the Dove #HipHopBooks @midnight

Tender is the Dizzy Wright #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Good Soulja #HipHopBooks @midnight

Lord of the Plies #HipHopBooks @midnight

The RainBow Wow #HipHopBooks @midnight

Wale Fire #HipHopBooks @midnight

Mally Malltese Falcon #HipHopBooks @midnight

Gucci Mane Street #HipHopBooks @midnight

The French Montana Lieutenant’s Woman #HipHopBooks @midnight

From Here to Eminem #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Magnififtycent Ambersons #HipHopBooks @midnight

Diary of Anne Frank Ocean #HipHopBooks @midnight

The T-Painted Bird #HipHopBooks @midnight

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Thug Man #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Hunt for Red Café October #HipHopBooks @midnight

Stranger In a Strange Timbaland #HipHopBooks @midnight

Guilty Pleasure P #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Big Boi Sleep #HipHopBooks @midnight

Swizz Family Robinson #HipHopBooks @midnight

Hip Hop on Pop #HipHopBooks @midnight

Crapple: for all your compooting needs #RuinTechnology @midnight

Praydar: like Gaydar, but for homophobes #RuinTechnology @midnight

Sacuum Cleaner: Suck your testicles clean. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Brobots: Artificial Bromance #RuinTechnology @midnight

Hearing AIDS #RuinTechnology @midnight

Iron Lung: When you’re too tired to breathe #RuinTechnology @midnight

Penichillin: killing bacteria… one sofa at a time #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Life: Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Snapchat, Google+, Twitter, etc. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Scotch Tape: When you’re too drunk to hold the tumbler #RuinTechnology @midnight

Electric Blanket: When your boyfriend’s not hot enough #RuinTechnology @midnight

Nuclear Feareactor: Because the word nuclear is scary #RuinTechnology @midnight

Napalm: Self-warming lubricant #RuinTechnology @midnight

Transistors: Like a sistor, but also like a brother #RuinTechnology @midnight

Holograms: When your dealer cuts the cocaine with baking soda #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Intelligence, AKA Teleprompter #RuinTechnology @midnight

Solar Cell: Even inmates deserve a little sunshine in their lives #RuinTechnology @midnight

Endorscope: Mouthwash for Ewoks #RuinTechnology @midnight

Microchip: Satan’s gateway drug #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Heart: Fake feelings endorsed by sociopaths everywhere #RuinTechnology @midnight

Floppy Disc: A little Viagra and you’ve got a Hard Disk #RuinTechnology @midnight
When it lasts longer than four hours it’s a Solid State Drive

Barcodes: Don’t touch hands in the bowl of peanuts #RuinTechnology @midnight

In Vitro Fertilisation: why throw away a perfectly good turkey baster? #RuinTechnology @midnight

Superconductor Casey Jones #RuinTechnology @midnight

Cryogenics: So you can be an asshole in the future, too #RuinTechnology @midnight

Smart Swatch: Like the 80’s, but smarter #RuinTechnology @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because fuck the homeless.

Because fuck the homeless.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Dammit, outdone by the Jones' again!

Dammit, outdone by the Jones’ again!

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Suicide clown?

Suicide clown?

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960's vagina.

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960’s vagina.

"What accident? Me? I'm just sitting here smoking a cigarette." #PersonOfInterest

“What accident? Me? I’m just sitting here smoking a cigarette.” #PersonOfInterest