BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

  • My favorite way to do the tip line.

    My favorite way to do the tip line.

  • I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
  • When you don't have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can't throw away.

    When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

  • Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
  • Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

    Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

  • Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
  • The cutest picture you'll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

    The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

  • Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
  • My favorite Indian food is tacos.
  • I think Michael’s might be confused.
  • Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.
  • Where's a wooden stake when you need one?

    Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

  • From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
  • Clearly I'm playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

    Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

  • Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
  • I'm gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

    I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

  • I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
  • Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
  • I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
  • Huntsville's MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

    Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

  • If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
  • “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
  • If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
  • When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
  • I guess the cat's hungry.

    I guess the cat’s hungry.

  • My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
  • Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
  • One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
  • I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
  • When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
  • Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
  • I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
  • Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
  • Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
  • Something seems off here. Can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

    Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

  • Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

    Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

  • Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
  • Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
  • A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
  • Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

    Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

  • Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
  • Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
  • I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
  • If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!
  • Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

    Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

  • I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
  • Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
  • It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
  • Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
  • The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
  • If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
  • When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
  • Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
  • I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
  • They're selling an empty record for that much!

    They’re selling an empty record for that much!

  • Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
  • Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

    Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

  • Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
  • I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
  • The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
  • The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
  • Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
  • Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
  • How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
  • I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
  • I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I'm pretty sure that sign reads "Help Me."

    I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

  • WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

    WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

  • Gun safety? Never heard of it. t's like a mouse, just point an click, right?

    Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

  • They see me rollin.' They hatin.' Patrolling they tryin' to catch me ridin' purty!

    They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

  • Hey! Who ordered delivery?

    Hey! Who ordered delivery?

  • The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

    The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

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BWAHAHA: 7/26 – 8/1

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/26 – 8/1: This week I got to attend the roast of fellow comedian Patrick Cunningham for his birthday, which escalated from funny to hysterical (and sometimes scary) drunken shenanigans by the end of the night. I also did five minutes of open mic to celebrate his birthday. I enjoyed it as always, but I’m still happy with my decision to leave the scene and concentrate on my storm chasing.

I did some chasing this week as well, but all the cells I was going after fizzled out and I only got one crappy lightning shot. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure Mother Nature is fucking with me on purpose.

By the way, Guardians of the Galaxy is a fucking amazing movie! If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Definitely worth the money for the big screen experience. It was the perfect blend of comedy, action, emotion, and effects. Brilliant at every level!

OTHER STUFF

Safety first, that's always been my motto. #HeyWatchThis

Safety first, that’s always been my motto. #HeyWatchThis

 

“Tropical Storm Bertha? Yeah, whatever.” “Tropical Storm Billy? RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!” #HurricaneSexism

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The Vaping community is the only place where someone can say, “I like sucking on a drip tip” and it not mean something negative.

I finally watched Pompeii. It was essentially 2012 meets Gladiator, but without the Arks, Bentley, airplanes, or Russians. Okay, bad comparison.

Oculus Reparo: Optometry for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

How To Train Your Eragon #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Defense Against the Dark Side of the Force #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Alohomora: Thievery 101 #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Engorgio Reducio: Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Riddikulus: Understanding the Modern GOP #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Tarantallegra: Yes, You Can Dance! #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Anapneo: First Aid for Beginners #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Thestral Tarts: Cooking With Professor Andrew Zimmern #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Darning with Dobby #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Petrificus Totalus: Advanced Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

20140726a

And we wonder why America is so far down on the list of most/best educated countries…

Damn, the homophobes were right, gay marriage did lead to a woman marrying a dog!

Damn, the homophobes were right, gay marriage did lead to a woman marrying a dog!

Last night - a date which will live in infamy - the pool was suddenly and deliberately attacked by drunks of the Empire of Vacation.

Last night – a date which will live in infamy – the pool was suddenly and deliberately attacked by drunks of the Empire of Vacation.

America, #1 in prison incarceration, #36 in education. But fuck it, "WE'RE NUMBER ONE!" #MURICA #AmericanEducation

America, #1 in prison incarceration, #36 in education. But fuck it, “WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” #MURICA #AmericanEducation

It's often said, "Hate comes from ignorance." Yeah, this kind of proves that point. #MURICA #AmericanEducation (Notice the person who tried to correct the original, also spelled it wrong)

It’s often said, “Hate comes from ignorance.” Yeah, this kind of proves that point. #MURICA #AmericanEducation
(Notice the person who tried to correct the original, also spelled it wrong)

BWAHAHA: 1/4 – 1/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/4 – 1/10: This was mostly a boring week for me. I was able to finally get to an Open Mic locally after a four month hiatus. It was great getting back in front of an audience, even if three quarters of them were drunk and not paying attention to me at all.

1/4

If I ever get married again, this is what I want her to be doing when we are 75.

1549327_244478442388102_2085198980_n

1/5

Police: To Protect and To SERVE!

20140105c

Why Bugs Bunny didn’t make the left turn at Albuquerque.

20140105b

Some people are living the GTA5 life away from their gaming console.

20140105d

1/6

Paranormal Activity 6: Spongebob Scarypants

20140106a

The problem with putting on a sweatshirt out of the dryer is it makes you realize how cold the rest of your body is.

Judgment Day is every day for me: I judge people for their stupid beliefs at least three or four times a day.

Football is the only thing in Alabama drawing bigger crowds than church or KKK rallies, though it’s hard to separate those two things.

1/7

Oh, Santa finally delivered my gift!

20140107a

Having used up all the oil from dinosaurs, oil companies are tapping a new resource…

20140107b

Using any petroleum-based lubricant for sex/masturbation is technically necrophilia.

Sweatshirt: check. Spring Jacket: check. Winter coat: umm… errr… umm… Fuck, I don’t own a winter jacket.

I feel bad for the woman standing next to me. It’s so cold that her frost indicators fell off.

Apparently, Honey got a Boo Boo.

I used ghost pepper flakes in my sausage: I’m actually kinda scared to take a bite.

1/8

Some men have a problem with butterface women, but I have a problem with butterfaith women.

Annie was an embarrassed millionaire until she met Daddy Warbucks. #RepublicanPropagandaFilms

Sometimes I think humans are descended from Homo Aspergensis.

Here, let me get that for you.

20140108b

New video, Librarians Gone Wild.

20140108c

Must be a Chik-Fil-A parking lot.

20140108d

Overheard at the bar, “Get your stories straight or this conversation is over.” Damn pushy bartender.

1/9

Life: “Oh, you saved a bit of money to do something fun for yourself? Yeah, I’m gonna kill your car battery. Oh, and that battery is going to cost more than you saved up.”

The cat wants desperately inside my house… so it can ask to go back outside two minutes later. Fuck him, he’s a long-haired cat with a massive winter coat. He’ll be just fine. Well, c’mon, he survived the last two nights in teen temperatures and tonight’s going to be in the mid-thirties. He’s fine.

1/10

Just listened to the new John Denver song, “West Virginia Rivers.” It really stunk.

A woman on Lulu hashtagged me as #DoesntKnowIExist. Well yeah, because I’m not a psychic! You gotta tell me!

So a friend of mine posted this picture:

20140105a
Here are my replies to this picture:
Step three feet back and grab my shotgun: fully loaded and one in the chamber. Just have to push the safety button, conveniently located right next to the trigger.
Stop taking hallucinogens.
Call the dog catcher.
Tell my girlfriend to go back downstairs.
Start doing an Irish jig… werewolves hate that shit!
Reconsider my decision to go back to Plenty of Fish for dating.
Throw the person in the wheelchair down the stairs: it’s food for the werewolf and an obstacle for it to get over… giving me time to escape.
Remind my girlfriend, once again, that I asked her to shave.
Decide to put my kid back on Ritalin.
Throw the underwear I just had to change down the stairs.
Stand in front of a mirror and say, “Van Helsing, Van Helsing, Van Helsing.” I hear that works just like Candyman and Beetlejuice.
Turn to my friends and ask, “Okay, which one of you pissed off Chewbacca?”
Accept my fate and yell, “It’s shredding time!”
Call Corey Haim and Gary Busey: they killed a werewolf once.
I knew Jazzercise would come in handy one day! Cardio… cardio… cardio…