BWAHAHA: 9/6 – 9/12

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/6 – 9/12: This was a fun week for me. I got to go out and help a friend celebrate a birthday. Suzie and I met our goals for the house and we had a housewarming party with our friends. I think my friends were unsure of what to expect and had a weird time at the party. For those that don’t know, my house was THE party house. It was not uncommon to have 50-60 people partying their asses off at my house. My house took one helluva a beating over the years from all the parties. My carpets were shot, there was damage to walls, etc. Suzie and I have been busting our asses to get the house back to living conditions: in other words, a house meant for something other than a bachelor. So the party was fun and we had great conversations and played a game, but it wasn’t a normal Blair party and I think that weirded everyone out.

I made a joke this week about the 9/11 anniversary. Well, technically, the joke was about the whole “never forget” stuff that everyone posts. It’s important to note that I was across the river in Seacaucus, New Jersey when 9/11 happened and in NYC on 9/10. I watched 9/11 unfold out of my hotel window: not on TV. 9/11 is something that resonates with me and still gets me choked up. But I can also make light of our fears and our sometimes misguided sense of nationalism in the post-9/11 environment. I did just that and someone told me, “You can’t make jokes about 9/11. It’s un-American.” I responded, “You can’t make jokes about Mohamed. It’s un-Islamic.” I think they got the point. Telling someone they can’t say one thing or another is actually the most un-American thing you can do. You know… Freedom of Speech and stuff.

OTHER STUFF:

When the Zombiepocalypse starts, it will spread quickly because people will think it’s a prank being filmed for YouTube.

My Dr. gave me meds for my RLS. I looked it up and it’s also used for Parkinson’s. I should’ve known, as the bottle said “Shake before use.”

My back didn’t itch until I picked up the back scratcher to move it. Stupid brain.

Wait… the Marines are a corporation? <it’s a joke, don’t get all Simper Fight on me>

I feel like there was something I was supposed to remember today. Damn… what was it? Oh yeah, I gotta wash my car or the terrorists win.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

After some serious thought for two seconds I have decided that I’m okay with the Lions beating the Giants. #NFL

Lions are like, “Rules? There are rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.” #PenaltyFlag #ArmchairQuarterback

Pop! Eye #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Bugs Bloody #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Melvin and the Cheap Monks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Gaddafi Duck #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Plastic Manboobs #SpookyCartoons @midnight

God Almighty Mouse #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Fat Prince Albert #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Witchy Witch #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Heathcliffhanger #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Trollskins #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Speed Muggy #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Slyvester & Tweeting While Driving #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Mangamonium #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Spurt Tails #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Manchichis #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Dungeons and Drag Queens #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Turbo Teen Wolf #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Muppet Rabies #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Kissyfuhrer #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Jem and the Horrorams #SpookyCartoons @midnight

King of the Hill People #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Greasy Spoondocks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Sutureama #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Strife & Crimes of Tim #SpookyCartoons @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

Spanish bowling.

It’s a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

Meanwhile in Alabama…

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Ketchup… it does a body good.

“If you didn’t want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?”

“Where the drugs, man? I know you got ’em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!”

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

When Malaysian Airlines flies over…

BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.