20130127: News from the Week

Sandy refugees scrambled for housing Saturday night: it was a false alarm, since Olivia Newton-John was in Australia.

IL Gov to sign bill allowing driver’s licenses for undocumented immigrants: making them documented.

Coyote pack chasing pets smash door of home in Chicago suburb: homeowners thinking of suing ACME.

Spouses club relents, says lesbian Army wife can be ‘full member’: they were just upset they couldn’t hit on her during deployments.

Cub Scout pack may lose charter if it keeps gay-friendly policy: pack responds by saying, “Yeah, well suck my dick!”

Casey Anthony files for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in Florida: her money went missing, too.

Man charged in Florida manhole cover heist. Apparently Florida still has harsh anti-homosexuality laws.

Air pollution plagues Salt Lake City: City Officials respond, “Relax, we’re just acclimating people to Kolob.”

Pentagon lifts ban on women in combat: DOD reminds soldiers that condoms are still for protecting muzzles from sand. Not that muzzle.

FL man posing as doctor used Krazy Glue to seal butt surgery incision: patient confused as to why teenagers kept sniffing his ass.

12-foot boulder crashes into Utah woman’s bedroom: Utah Gov considers declaring war on Colorado.