BWAHAHA: 9/6 – 9/12

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/6 – 9/12: This was a fun week for me. I got to go out and help a friend celebrate a birthday. Suzie and I met our goals for the house and we had a housewarming party with our friends. I think my friends were unsure of what to expect and had a weird time at the party. For those that don’t know, my house was THE party house. It was not uncommon to have 50-60 people partying their asses off at my house. My house took one helluva a beating over the years from all the parties. My carpets were shot, there was damage to walls, etc. Suzie and I have been busting our asses to get the house back to living conditions: in other words, a house meant for something other than a bachelor. So the party was fun and we had great conversations and played a game, but it wasn’t a normal Blair party and I think that weirded everyone out.

I made a joke this week about the 9/11 anniversary. Well, technically, the joke was about the whole “never forget” stuff that everyone posts. It’s important to note that I was across the river in Seacaucus, New Jersey when 9/11 happened and in NYC on 9/10. I watched 9/11 unfold out of my hotel window: not on TV. 9/11 is something that resonates with me and still gets me choked up. But I can also make light of our fears and our sometimes misguided sense of nationalism in the post-9/11 environment. I did just that and someone told me, “You can’t make jokes about 9/11. It’s un-American.” I responded, “You can’t make jokes about Mohamed. It’s un-Islamic.” I think they got the point. Telling someone they can’t say one thing or another is actually the most un-American thing you can do. You know… Freedom of Speech and stuff.

OTHER STUFF:

When the Zombiepocalypse starts, it will spread quickly because people will think it’s a prank being filmed for YouTube.

My Dr. gave me meds for my RLS. I looked it up and it’s also used for Parkinson’s. I should’ve known, as the bottle said “Shake before use.”

My back didn’t itch until I picked up the back scratcher to move it. Stupid brain.

Wait… the Marines are a corporation? <it’s a joke, don’t get all Simper Fight on me>

I feel like there was something I was supposed to remember today. Damn… what was it? Oh yeah, I gotta wash my car or the terrorists win.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

After some serious thought for two seconds I have decided that I’m okay with the Lions beating the Giants. #NFL

Lions are like, “Rules? There are rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules.” #PenaltyFlag #ArmchairQuarterback

Pop! Eye #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Bugs Bloody #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Melvin and the Cheap Monks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Gaddafi Duck #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Plastic Manboobs #SpookyCartoons @midnight

God Almighty Mouse #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Fat Prince Albert #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Witchy Witch #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Heathcliffhanger #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Trollskins #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Speed Muggy #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Slyvester & Tweeting While Driving #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Mangamonium #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Spurt Tails #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Manchichis #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Dungeons and Drag Queens #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Turbo Teen Wolf #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Muppet Rabies #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Kissyfuhrer #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Jem and the Horrorams #SpookyCartoons @midnight

King of the Hill People #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Greasy Spoondocks #SpookyCartoons @midnight

Sutureama #SpookyCartoons @midnight

The Strife & Crimes of Tim #SpookyCartoons @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

In an attempt to tap an unknown fan base, the X-Games is including extreme equestrian sports this year.

Spanish bowling.

It’s a lesson I keep repeating like a broken record: Always be aware of your surroundings!

Meanwhile in Alabama…

Why is it that all the cool stuff they do in movies is illegal in real life? #Busted

Ketchup… it does a body good.

“If you didn’t want me here, then why did you put this watering hole here?”

“Where the drugs, man? I know you got ’em here somewhere! You better give me some of that!”

Oh sure, play nice with the white kid!

When Malaysian Airlines flies over…

BWAHAHA: 2/1 – 2/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/1 – 2/7: I got to spend the beginning of the week in Fort Myers and Naples, Florida, where I enjoyed 85 degree weather for a few days. After being stuck in ice in the Florida panhandle and arctic temperatures in northern Alabama, it was a refreshing change. I even got a bit of sunburn on my driving elbow. My friends were mad at me for posting about it on Facebook. Jealous fuckers.

Then there was the Super Bowl. There really wasn’t anything super about it this year: the commercials sucked, the Broncos sucked (fuck ‘em), the halftime show sucked. The best part was watching the Seahawks finally win a Super Bowl after waiting 30 years for it! No, I take that back, the best part was watching all the Broncos fans whine.

2/1

Obligatory prison selfie.

I got divorced and now all my friends are getting married. You’re welcome, fuckers! #OfficialFifthWheel

2/2

I had to listen to the 1st Quarter on the radio while driving. Felt weird until I saw other drivers cheering when I did. #SuperBowl

Oh no, I like football! The horror! C’mon, sport shaming people? Really? Fuck you. #SuperBowl

Seattle Seahawks should hire Manning to be their QB, since he keeps throwing them the football. #SuperBowl

Singing America the Beautiful in foreign languages Coke? Oh, that’s gonna piss off the Conservatards. #SuperBowl

Coke sings American the Beautiful in foreign languages & now a Cosmos ad? Poor conservatards got it rough this #SuperBowl.

Anyone else remember when Halftime Shows were actually shows and not mini concerts? #SuperBowl

When did the Temptations get a new singer? #HalftimeShow

Called it! #CokeRage

Okay, maybe the Broncos smoked too much pot before coming on the field… #SuperBowl

This is just a fucking slaughter! Kinda feel bad for the Broncos… wait, no I don’t. #SuperBowl

“Is there anything more American than America?” – Chrysler
That’s a trick question! The answer is Soviet Russia! #SuperBowl

Broncos fans be like, it’s playing at sea level, the field was wet, or other excuses. #DenverChoke

So what are they going to do with all the unused Denver confetti? #SuperBowl

Donate the unused Denver confetti to New Jersey homeless people to use as insulation in their cardboard boxes! #SuperBowl

Downtown Seattle…

Chevrolet just gave a truck away to someone who could afford to buy 10,000 of them on his own. #SuperBowl

American football team Broncos found dead in their Manhattan apartment with a needle in their arm, police say.

Philip Seymour Offman

Curt Clawson (Republican Congressional candidate for Florida) just said, “I’m a baller” on the news.

2/3

Lesson Hollywood hasn’t learned yet: making good actors play evil people makes them kill themselves.

Ever notice how the loudest people complaining about “speak English in ‘Murica” are ones who haven’t mastered English themselves?

I enjoyed 82 degree weather with 62% humidity today. Even got a bit of a tan on my driving arm. #UpYoursPolarVortex!

Every time I think I’ve encountered all the porn on the Internet… someone invents a new fetish.

2/4

I feel your pain, kid. I feel your pain.

I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn today out in the 86 degree weather. #DamnYouPolarVortex!

All your bench are belong to tree.

I got nothin’… Anyone explain this?

Wait, they sell this now? WTF Kroger & Publix? Get on it!

I love how Nye keeps referring to “traditional scientists” and “how science is done out there.” #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham, if the natural laws didn’t change (because god made them), then how come rainbows didn’t exist until after the flood? #NyeVsHamDebate

Bill Nye is struggling to not make a WTF face. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, I’m going to ignore all your questions by pointing out the one question you didn’t answer. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, “Depends on what your definition of IS is.” #NyeVsHamDebate

My car has made an appearance in several people’s Facebook Lookback videos. Can’t decide if that’s weird or cool.

2/5

We always look forward to getting back to our beds after being on the road, but it dawned on me tonight that we look forward to our brand of toilet paper as well, even if we don’t consciously think about it.

2/7

12 Banshees, 8 Giant Skeletons, 8 Sekeleton Mage, and a giant Undead Dragon in one room: game’s fucking with me now.

If everyone keeps making fun of Russia over #Sochi, they’re gonna launch their nukes. You’ll start WWIII, kid!

BWAHAHA: 9/7 – 9/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/7 – 9/13: I had the honor of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on 9/13.

9/8

Axe Body Spray says women are getting hotter: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

Increased instances of Jock Itch and Athlete’s Foot: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

My new zombiepocalypse rule: if you lack common sense, you’re off the team. Might use you as zombie bait.

9/10

This program contains footage of humans engaged in human behavior: viewer discretion is advised.

Finally posted the article I kept threatening to write: What I Learned At DragonCon

9/11

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering today. Is today the anniversary of the Alamo?

With all the chatter on Twitter, I thought that maybe they were allowing up to 911 characters. Oh well.

Email from dating site: “goodpussy6969 wants to chat!” Wow, someone’s been taking classes in marketing skills!

Let’s stand our ground against iPads and smash them on the sidewalk! #GeorgeZimmerman

After the divorce #GerogeZimmerman will be standing on only half his ground.

9/12

No Snooki, that burning sensation between your legs is not your STD, the Jersey Shore is on fire.

Did the Stranger on the Shore pull The Drifters out from Under the Boardwalk that’s on fire?

Jersey residents are like, “Fire, what fire?”

You know that part of the boardwalk that wasn’t damaged by Sandy? Yeah, fuck that part!

Fire doesn’t care about your No Trespassing sign.

Putin, “…we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you’re LGBT, then Siberian prison for you!

How did I not know about Derek with Ricky Gervais? Bloody brilliant! But fuck him for causing tears in my eyes.

@rickygervais – finally watched #Derek. Thank you for making me laugh and then ripping my heart out of my chest with episode 7. #Kleenex

Correlation is not causation… unless you cut yourself correlating papers.

9/13

See what happens when you pray to end the Colorado fires? God just sends a flood instead.

The biggest drawback to Boulder flooding is how painful those boulders are.

I love it when anti-government Republican governors praise FEMA, White House, National Guard, etc during disasters.

Apparently a frog was trying to get a LADEE to kiss it so he could turn back into a prince. The LADEE rejected his advances.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Triskaidekaphobia: you do realize that the 14th floor of the hotel is actually the 13th floor, right?

Sad as the destruction is, you gotta admit that such a large fire being started by an ice cream store is ironically giggleific.