Texas Secession? The Woes of Texanistan.


So Brexit has all the Texit folks mumbling and groaning again. Sigh…

Okay secessionists. See, here’s the thing. Let’s pretend that you actually seceded from the UNITED States of America (you know, UNITED, as in a whole country, which means secession is the most un-American thing you can actually do). What would happen?

If Texas succeeded in seceding, it would collapse and become a third-world country within a year or two. A few years after failing Texans would be begging to become part of the UNITED States again.

Why would Texas fail?

1. EVERY single United States Armed Forces base in Texas would be shut down. Not only destroying local economies, but killing off hundreds of thousands of jobs associated with those economies (and civilians working on the bases). Say goodbye to Fort Hood, Goodfellow Air Force Base, Sheppard Air Force Base, NAS Corpus Christi, NAS Kingsville, Laughlin Air Force Base, Lackland Air Force Base, Martindale Army Air Field, Camp Bullis, US Marine Corps Reserve Centers, Recruiting centers for all armed forces, Brooks City Air Force Base, Dyess Air Force Base, Randolph Air Force Base, Camp Bowie, Camp Mabry, Camp Stanley, Camp Swift, Fort Bliss, Fort Sam Houston, Red River Army Depot, JRB Fort Worth, NS Ingleside. All those communities hit hard with vacated houses, massive loss of tax revenue, etc.

2. NASA would be gone. Say goodbye to the Johnson Space Center and all the businesses and jobs that support it. Say goodbye to all the engineers and scientists who will move to a new NASA location (either one already existing or a new one that will be built). Thousands of jobs gone, hundreds of homes vacated, significant loss of tax revenue.

3. The Coast Guard and all Homeland Security assets would be gone. Say goodbye to the Coast Guard in Corpus Christi, El Paso, Galveston, Houston, Port Arthur, and South Padre Island. If you need rescuing, hopefully the local county police have a boat or helicopter to come get you. Or maybe the UNITED States Coast Guard based in Louisiana will feel bad for you and come get you. Maybe. After all, they do rescue Cuban refugees. But you’d be deported back to Texas after processing.

4. The US Marshal Service, FBI, DEA, and other federal law enforcement agencies would leave Texas. No point in protecting a place that’s not in the UNITED States of America. Thousands of jobs gone. Maybe a lot of them will get lucky and moved to other states? But those that move no longer provide tax revenue to the newly named Texanistan.

5. All federal funding for education, roads, maintenance, disaster relief, etc would be gone. No more FEMA funds for San Marcos or Houston or Austin when they flood. No more federal disaster dollars after a hurricane, tornado, or seven-year drought. You think Texas roads are bad now? Wait until Texanistan has to foot 100% of the bill instead of 30-50% of it. And you think Texas school suck now? Man, wait until Texanistan celebrates the end of the Dept of Education by gutting science. I mean, who needs science since NASA no longer is in Texanistan?

6. A significant chunk of businesses would leave because they would need access to the American market – not just Texas. This would specifically affect any companies with a UNITED States government contract (mostly defense). All those companies would be forced to move outside of Texas in order to maintain their contracts with the federal government. And since there will be a massive brain drain once secession happens, a lot of tech companies will leave as well so that they can find educated employees.

7. Texanistan would no longer be privy or part to any of the treaties and agreements the United States has with bordering countries and countries around the world. That means every Texan would have to get a passport to travel to Oklahoma, Louisiana, etc. Texas would have to negotiate its own trade agreements, but until then it would be hit with every major pre-trade agreement tariff and tax. Have fun draining the coffer just to get Chinese goods in that are now suddenly two times more expensive because of extra tariffs.

8. Speaking of those borders, say goodbye to the US Border Patrol, you know those federal officers who “keep the Mexicans out?” Yeah, well, at least Texanistan has plenty of gun-toting “Minute men” (I’m pretty sure that’s a sexual reference) to take care of those ferners.

9. Say goodbye to all those customs agents at the border and shipyards as well.

10. Speaking of customs agents, what about all those shipyards that have federal contracts? I guess that work will go to Louisiana and Alabama (they could use the extra money). Maybe the cruise lines will still come in after Texanistan spends five years negotiating a new contract? After all, Texanistan would be a foreign country, so there are international laws they’d have to follow in negotiating a new porting contract with the Texanistan government.

11. Radar coverage and flood warnings and tornado warnings? You need those? Yeah, too bad. The NATIONAL Weather Service just left as well. Maybe Bobby Joe with his rain gauge on his mud truck can take care of the weather forecasting for you. Then everyone can “Heehaw” as the tornado siren.

12. Say goodbye to Social Security checks when you retire. Say goodbye to Medicaid/Medicare as well. Say goodbye to every federal benefit you were looking forward to. Federal scholarships, federal flood insurance (there is no private flood insurance, BTW, so good luck with all that Texas flooding).

I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist. Now I’m sure there’s a lot of secessionists reading this list and yelling “Hell yeah!” for every departure I’ve mentioned. That’s all fine and dandy until they no longer get their Social Security, Medicaid, or food stamps or disaster relief.

Be careful what you wish for. You just may regret it.

Stupid Hurts 001

BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)


I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!


The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight


Here I am, just mining my own business.

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or... his wingman should be fired.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

"We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute."

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it's the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood