BWAHAHA 12/6 – 12/12:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/6 – 12/12: I’m a couple of weeks behind and playing catch-up today.

I spent the second part of my week dealing with a conservative radio talk show host who didn’t like a satire piece I wrote for the Rocket Wrangler about his racist activities (link below). I mean, I already suspected he was a douchebag for his “one man protest” of “Police Lives Matter” and his ignorance of what exactly white privilege is and how it’s NOT an insult. But then he finds out that I’m on the dais for an upcoming comedy charity event and threatens to not support the show or advertise for it unless I’m removed. Now, I no longer suspected he was a douchebag, but knew he was a douchebag. You can also imagine how disappointed I was that the charity event chose to not stand up to his bullying. Here is a man who talks shit about people every single day on his show, but let one satire piece call him out, and suddenly he’s a whiny beotch (and a hypocritical asshole). Of course he’ll never understand the irony of an anti-big government conservative out there protesting in favor of the police. His brain’s too small to process that kind of thinking. The best part about all of this is that he wanted me to come on his show and debate him. Really? You didn’t want me on the charity event but you want me on your show? Two words: fuck you. Why on earth would I come on your show? You’re clearly an ignorant racist conservative asshole who puts yourself above others (you know, demanding your way because your little feelings were hurt when someone decided to make fun of your asinine stunt) and demanding to get your way or you’re taking your ball and going home. You’re a childish asshole and there’s no way I would ever come on your show. I’ve been on Hannity a few times, Megan Kelly (I even made her throw a temper tantrum on live TV), and many others. But you? Nope. Fuck your show.

OTHER STUFF:

I do believe this app is confused.

• Grammar Nazis Are Annoying
• Because sometimes the best thing to do with stupid, is laugh at it: Radio Deejay Has One-Man Protest

• 

  ‘Murica! Fuck Yeah! Peace on Earth! And support the wars overseas! #IronicChristmasTree

• Thanks to the Punk Goes Pop series, Suzie and I finally have music we can listen to together.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  The Grand Jury decided not to indict the officer involved.

• 

  This is why cars should not be using ladders. Safety first!

• 

  Merry Dickmas!

BWAHAHA: 7/26 – 8/1

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/26 – 8/1: This week I got to attend the roast of fellow comedian Patrick Cunningham for his birthday, which escalated from funny to hysterical (and sometimes scary) drunken shenanigans by the end of the night. I also did five minutes of open mic to celebrate his birthday. I enjoyed it as always, but I’m still happy with my decision to leave the scene and concentrate on my storm chasing.

I did some chasing this week as well, but all the cells I was going after fizzled out and I only got one crappy lightning shot. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure Mother Nature is fucking with me on purpose.

By the way, Guardians of the Galaxy is a fucking amazing movie! If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Definitely worth the money for the big screen experience. It was the perfect blend of comedy, action, emotion, and effects. Brilliant at every level!

OTHER STUFF

Safety first, that’s always been my motto. #HeyWatchThis

 

“Tropical Storm Bertha? Yeah, whatever.” “Tropical Storm Billy? RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!” #HurricaneSexism

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The Vaping community is the only place where someone can say, “I like sucking on a drip tip” and it not mean something negative.

I finally watched Pompeii. It was essentially 2012 meets Gladiator, but without the Arks, Bentley, airplanes, or Russians. Okay, bad comparison.

Oculus Reparo: Optometry for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

How To Train Your Eragon #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Defense Against the Dark Side of the Force #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Alohomora: Thievery 101 #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Engorgio Reducio: Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Riddikulus: Understanding the Modern GOP #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Tarantallegra: Yes, You Can Dance! #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Anapneo: First Aid for Beginners #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Thestral Tarts: Cooking With Professor Andrew Zimmern #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Darning with Dobby #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Petrificus Totalus: Advanced Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

And we wonder why America is so far down on the list of most/best educated countries…

Damn, the homophobes were right, gay marriage did lead to a woman marrying a dog!

Last night – a date which will live in infamy – the pool was suddenly and deliberately attacked by drunks of the Empire of Vacation.

America, #1 in prison incarceration, #36 in education. But fuck it, “WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” #MURICA #AmericanEducation

It’s often said, “Hate comes from ignorance.” Yeah, this kind of proves that point. #MURICA #AmericanEducation
(Notice the person who tried to correct the original, also spelled it wrong)

BWAHAHA: 7/5 – 7/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/5 – 7/11: I wrapped up my vacation in Arkansas and came home. It’s always good to be home. I also decided to no longer do standup comedy this week (see below for the link if you missed it), but I’ll still do the BWAHAHA because I’ll always be stupid and silly.

OTHER STUFF

“You’re not going to mass?”
“I don’t go to church.”
“This isn’t for you, it’s for John & Jane.”
“I don’t go to church.”
Vacation ends on a high note

Leaving the Scene

Wearing my JAWS shirt to the Beach Boys concert. Totally appropriate. #BeachBoys

There are more Hawaiian shirts here than were at Pearl Harbor on December 6, 1941. #BeachBoys

John Stamos is on stage with the Beach Boys playing guitar and drums. Showoff. #BeachBoys

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Canoe goes in the water, you go in the canoe… You go in the water, canoe keeps going down the river without you. #Tippecanoe #Ouch

When after a long break from gaming you can’t remember if R1 or R2 fires the weapon and you die. #LoadLastCheckpoint

The action and adventure buff in me really likes The Last Ship, but the ex sailor in me cringes every few minutes they get shit wrong.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Someone’s over-compensating.

Where baby trucks come from. Our where libertarians are in charge.

All officers, be on the lookout for a hit & run suspect vehicle: a red & white truck with the words Coke on it.

I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as accidental porn… but I could be wrong.

If only we had places like this in America, so all the racists were easily identifiable.

The ignorant are unlikely to catch the mistake, but are more likely not to buy it without a “USA Flag.”

Go watch a flood wearing your short shorts, because you’ll never need survival gear. Nope. Never.

Best friends are willing to show the world their ass so that you don’t have to.

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

I’m pretty sure there’s a back garage for getting car radios installed.

BWAHAHA: 6/28 – 7/4

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 6/28 – 7/4: I spent the week in Bella Vista, Arkansas. Bella Vista is near Bentonville, which is the corporate headquarters of Walmart. The influence of Walmart in the area is problematic as far as I can see, but when you’re immersed in it and Walmart pulls the wool over the resident’s eyes with cool stuff, then it’s hard to convince anyone living there of the horribleness that is Walmart. And if you visit their “quaint” museum, everything you need to know in order to hate Walmart is in plain sight, but cleverly written as propaganda to make it sound good. Walmart aside, the main reason I would never want to live there is too many Q-Tips driving slow on the road. I call them Q-Tips because the only thing you see is the puff of white cotton sticking up over the seat of the car in front of you that’s going 10 MPH below the speed limit or that has stopped 100 feet short of the white line at the red light because their depth perception is so fucking gone they think they’re on the damn white line.

We did have some fun up there, though. My girlfriend and I went canoeing down the Elk River. It took over three miles for her to figure out the physics of steering, after slamming us into trees, shallows, rocks, shores, and then tipping us over in the rapids. I thought it was just me, but then I noticed tons of men shaking their heads as the women steered them into the trees. By the end of the day I couldn’t decide if they were that dense or were doing it on purpose just to irritate us.

On a side note, I created a new group on Facebook for storm chasers in the North Alabama area. If you’re a storm chaser in the North Alabama area, join the group to post pictures, videos, share ideas, ask questions, etc.

OTHER STUFF

If you’re going to make something erect, it’s easier if you’re bare and a hussey.

The Walmart Museum has all the info necessary to hate Walmart, it’s just hidden among good propaganda.

Because it’s July 4th, I wore a British Punk band t-shirt to the picnic. #MURICA

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Facebook just recommended Rick & Bubba to me. I know they talk about me now and then, but c’mon Facebook! #AlgorithmFAIL

T Minus 1 Hour until vacation is launched! One week in the Ozarks. Oh wait, the Ozarks is in Arkansas. Umm… I’m excited, right? RIGHT?

I’m going to create a peanut butter flavored blow job lubricant and call it Nutter Butter.

Figuring out how to get this tree down safely has me stumped.

I want to make a Hobby Lobby joke, but the joke’s already on the American people. #AmericanTaliban

I love how the “We’re gonna get up early and go to the gym” crowd is still asleep. #Vacation

I’m at the intersection of Spanker Rd and Plentywood Rd in Bentonville, Arkansas. That’s now my new porn name: Spanker Plentywood.

Grandpa is driving so slow, he just got cutoff by a jogger. True story. Just happened.