BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!

OTHER STUFF

• Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
• In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”

• 

  And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

• Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
• My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”

• 

  Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

• Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
• I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
• Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
• @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
  • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
• If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
• Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
• The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
• Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL

• 

  I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

• The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?

• 

  I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

• All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
• My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
• I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.

• 

  Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

• 

  Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

• I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
• Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
• We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
• I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
• You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
• At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
• Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
• Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
• Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
• The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
• Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
• That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.

• 

  6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

• Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
• Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin

• 

  Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

• CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..

• 

  Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

• The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
• Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
  • Me, “No thanks.”
  • GF, “Why not?
  • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
• Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.

• 

  Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

• What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?

• 

  Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

• The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
• Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
• When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”

• 

  We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

• THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
  • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
  • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
  • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
  • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
  • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
  • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
  • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
  • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

• I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
• The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
• The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
• The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
• The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
• The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
• The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
• The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
• The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
• The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
• The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
• The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
• GOP DEBATE
  • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
  • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
  • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
  • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
  • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
  • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
  • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
• Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
• I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
• I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
• FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
  • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
  • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
  • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
  • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
  • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
  • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
  • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
  • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
• THE WALKING DEAD:
  • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
  • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
• INJURE A FILM:
  • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
  • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
  • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
  • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
  • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
  • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
  • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
  • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
  • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
  • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
  • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
  • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
  • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm

@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS

• Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
• Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
• Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

• 

  Always be aware of your surroundings.

• 

• 

  This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

• 

  “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

• 

  There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

• 

  Meanwhile in South Carolina…

• 

  When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

• 

  “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

• 

  Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

• 

BWAHAHA 4/4 – 4/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/4 – 4/10: This was a super fun week for us. We went to Memphis to enjoy the sights, sounds, and foods. We also got to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen in a couple of years since I left the movement. Going back into that scene there were a few times where I was reminded of why I left the movement in the first place. What’s the movement? I’m not going to explain it. It’s too long of a story. Those who know what I’m talking about benefit here.

Thanks to recent events, we’re more broke than normal. That made the decision to go or not to Memphis a tough one. We had already paid for the hotels months ago. So we just had to come up with gas and food costs. This meant that the money we did spend needed to count. So eating at places with horrible food just really pissed us off. Ribs are ribs are ribs, right? Well, they should be. What should separate a place is not the meat, but the sauce. Unfortunately, there are places that don’t know how to cook the meat properly. The only reason they still exist is because of tourism (I’m still irked at myself for falling into a tourist trap). The locals do not eat there because they know better. Well, now we know better too. If you do know how to cook the meat so it’s perfect, you better have a damn good sauce! So why were two places using fucking Kraft BBQ sauce? Seriously!?!?!?!? If you didn’t buy it off the shelf and actually made it yourself, why would you make a sauce that tastes just fucking like Kraft BBQ sauce?

The crazy part of the trip was that everything we wanted to do was closed. Mud Island opened up the weekend after our visit. The Botanical Gardens were closed for a stupid Easter Egg hunt (fuck you Easter Bunny, you fascist commie neo-Nazi pig). The Civil Rights Museum was closed because it was the anniversary of the assassination of MLK. We actually decided to go to that, but realized quickly that it was way too crowded and parking and traffic were a nightmare. So we spent our days and most nights on Beale St. That was just fine with us.

OTHER STUFF:

• Listening to foreign tourists is always fun. “German German German German Memphis best ribs German German Elvis German German German.”

• 

  Found my new look.

• I just thought the world should know that Suzie is in the bathroom singing Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. I love that woman! LOL

• 

  All in a line for me. Hoping for some good lightning shots. Chasing after 3am. Lol

• When I see other players on a Destiny map, I go help them. But here I am, fighting all the big stuff… by myself. LOL
• Seriously, deodorant is a thing. Fucking use it! We don’t want to smell you from fifteen feet away. Oh, and patchouli makes it worse. Ugh!

• 

  Accidental twinsies tonight. Both in khakis, black shirt, and hiking shoes. Waiting outside for Seabound. — at The Masquerade.

• Current playlist… I’m sensing a theme here…
  • I’m So Sick
  • I Can’t Breathe
  • Sick and Tired
  • Sickliest Creep
  • Down With The Sickness
  • Flatline

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• I Rage Quit My Life #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• He Died Screaming… At Republicans #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Miracle He Lived That Long #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Poor Fellow Drowned in Jell-O #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Stupid Mortals Crucified Me Again #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Quit Smoking, Died While Exercising #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Took His Ball & Went Home #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Failed To Start the Zombiepocalypse #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Missed It By This Much #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Hey, Someone Video Tape This #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Wow, Lightning Does Strike Twice #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight
• Lasted Longer Than Four Hours #MyTombstoneIn5Words @midnight

BWAHAHA 3/21 – 3/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/21 – 3/27: Ah, Spring… when the bugs come out and start mating, when the birds wake you up in the morning because they’re honry and O’Dark Thirty, when the smell of freshly mowed dogshit wafts in the gentle breezes and everyone starts their sneezes. Ah… Spring.

My grass literally went from brown to needing to be mowed in a week. Not even a week after mowing my grass for the first time… freezing temps. Fuckin’ weather! At least I got to do a little bit of chasing as the cold front came through. Nothing major, just chasing cloud formations. Many people think storm chasers are about the tornadoes. Don’t get me wrong, the tornado is the icing on the cake on top of a cherry on a sundae, but we chase for the sky: the clouds, the rain, the cloud formations, the beauty, etc. I’ll chase on a partly cloud day just to watch the beauty of the tiny clouds rolling around in the sky. It’s the Troposphere that gets us excited: Tornadoes just send us over the top.

Speaking of storms, don’t forget to check out my new blog entry for this upcoming storm season: North Alabama: Are You Storm Ready?

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  Declaring war against Sweet Gum Balls. #Napalm

• 

  Being a responsible pyromaniac. Sitting here with a shovel until the burn is done. Beautiful day for it.

• Whoever in the Aviwxchasers.Com car keeps saying “it’s large,” they remind me of the movie Popeye.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I will not read comments on news items about Ted Cruz. I will not read comments on news items about Ted Cruz. I will not read comments… #Cruz2016
• Senator Ted Cruz’n for a bruz’n #Cruz2016

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• “Take On Windows ME” by A-ha ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Ocean Blue Waffle” by ABC ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Mexican Pandora” by Wall of Voodoo ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Ride Like The Windows Explorer” by Christopher Cross ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Bette Davis iTunes” by Kim Carnes ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “WWW, WWW, WWW, WWW” by Crash Test Dummies ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “(Nothing But) 1800Flowers.Com” by Talking Heads ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Just A Googleo (I Ain’t Got Nobody)” by David Lee Roth ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Huffington Post Post Modern Man” by DEVO ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Doll-Dagga BuzzFeed-BuzzFeed Ziggety-Zag” by Marilyn Manson ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Amazoned and Confused” by Neil Diamon ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight
• “Instagram Club Hit (You’ll Dance to Anything)” by The Dead Milkmen ‪#‎InternetASong‬ @midnight

BWAHAHA 3/14 – 3/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/14 – 3/20: I had a really awesome birthday. I didn’t want a birthday party and just asked my friends to come over and play Karaoke Against Humanity with me. But they brought me presents and made it awesome anyway. I got plenty of hot stuff, some alcohol, and goodies, and I got this amazing handmade figurine of me made by my friend Cory. It’s fucking awesome (pic below)! What is Karaoke Against Humanity you ask? Well, you play Cards Against Humanity like normal, but the reader chooses the worst card (in addition to the winning card) and the person who played that card has to sing a random karaoke song to the rest of the players. The way I do it is I pick “songs everyone should know” based on several lists and compile them into a numbered file and then the loser has to pick a random number out of a bowl and sing that number. No one knows what you’re going to sing until it appears on the screen. Don’t know the song? Too fucking bad… just make that shit up.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My friend Cory made this for me for my birthday. The details are amazing, from my hanging wallet, to the EBM graphic tee, glasses, and my “gay Jesus stance.” Cory, I love ‘ya man!

• Caught a vendor selling fake gems at the Rock & Gem show. UGH, what a rock tease!

• 

  Good, now I can post this picture on Facebook without having to worry about being banned.

• The IRS mileage rate is now $0.575/mile. Might be time for a trip somewhere…
• 

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Osmosis: When you lose a couple of pounds listening to Marie Osmond talk about NutriSystem. #NewDefinitions
• I guess we got tired of just zombies getting killed and were like, let’s kill humans tonight. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬
• Only the good die young. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬ ‪#‎RIPNoah‬
• Interstellar would have been a better movie if the wormhole went to ‪#‎Poopiter‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  No one told Tigger that bouncing was illegal in Thailand. Tigger done bounced too far this time!

BWAHAHA 2/21 – 2/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/21 – 2/27: I guess all that panic was worth it since Snowmageddon actually happened here in Alabama. Average snowfall for my area was 7.75″ with some places reporting over 9″. In my backyard we got 7.67″ (based on the average of five measurements on a large flat non-grass & non-concrete surface). That’s a lot of snow for Alabama. Our personal record at our house was 11.96″ back in 2011. The record for Huntsville was set in the 60’s at 17.1″. Craziness!!!! I’ll put up a blog entry for my storm chasing that day. And now we’ll likely get some more ice and snow this coming Wednesday and Thursday. Well, I guess we had it coming since we started issuing gay marriage licenses. <evil grin>

This week brought me a ray of happiness and sunshine as Jimmy did this on his show. One of the things that pisses me off the most is anti-vaxxers who espouse their ignorance every day and cause more and more people to fall for their claptrap, thus reducing herd immunity and bringing back diseases we had practically eliminated thanks to vaccines. So to see this on a mainstream show put a giant grin on my face. Way to go Jimmy!!!!

Then I found this gem. I don’t know how I missed this back in 2008, but I’m happy I found it today.

OTHER STUFF:

• This storm is taking forever to get here. From 0300 to 0900 and now extended again. If it sits over us as long as it sat over Texas, we could see inches on the higher side of the “possible.” Or it’ll just fucking rain.

• 

  C’mon… you can do it! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon! My laughter will be covering up tears if it just frickin’ rains here.

• If you work out of the home, a “snow day” don’t mean a damn thing. Enjoy your day off assholes! ;)
• A lot of people are talking about their sexual exploits from last night on social media. We don’t care how many inches you got last night!
• “I’ve noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million.” ‪#‎RIPSpock

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Momma said knock you out, Rick gonna knock you out! ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎deadbuzz‬

• 

  Wait… now I’m confused, is the ISIS Flag black and white or gold and blue? #TheDress

• 

  Look at these gold-colored starving children! ‪#‎TheDress‬

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

• Playing Chicken With Doing Dishes ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight
• Oh, rents due? My bad. ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight
• What is that fucking smell? ‪#‎RoommatesIn5Words‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  That’s the appropriate level of security for those toys.

• 

  Oh look, the bathroom comes with an atheist baby changing station! (Mmm… BBQ baby!)

• 

  It’s cool ’til a drunk person stumbles and impales themselves. Of course, if it’s a good party, no one will notice.