BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

He should have ran… ran so far away.

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.

This week on Twitter (3/22 – 3/29)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.

3/24

It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!

FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…

It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.

The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!

Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.

In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!

“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday

How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?

I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”

If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?

I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!

I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.

I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday

Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.

Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”

You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.

“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday

Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.

3/25

Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace

3/26

Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.

Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.

Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed

I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed

Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed

Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed

Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated

Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated

If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated

I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage

I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality

Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal

3/27

Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.

3/28

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.

I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!

This week on Twitter (3/1 – 3/8)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/1 to 3/8 (posted in order of Tweets). I was uber busy with work and didn’t get as much shit done on Twitter this week.

3/1

So that Republicans have one person to point at to prove themselves right, I’m going to CHOOSE to be homeless this year.

Sad Dr. Seuss occurred on 3/1 as well.

3/2

I fixed my Internet. Don’t know how. But it’s working. Therefore, I fixed it.

I shall resist the temptation to play with the #BadChildrensBooks on Twitter.

3/3

Pickers, homeless & scavengers: I get you digging through my trash, but have the courtesy to FUCKING CLEAN UP THE MESS YOU MAKE!

3/4

Only two people make Rick look sane: #LoneWolf and #TheGovernor. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingdead

Ellen Ripley, she’ll rock the Zombiepocalypse. #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry

Claire Standish, Andie Walsh, Samantha Baker, & Frannie Goldsmith #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry #StuckInThe80s

3/6

Hugo Chavez dead: Venezuelan news agencies have no idea what to say now.

Hugo Chavez dead: United States finally admits to secret cancer drones.

Hugo Chavez dead: Israeli official apologizes, “We thought he was an ex-Nazi in disguise.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Russian KGB apologizes, “Sorry, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Two witnesses swear they saw him leaving the building with Elvis.

Hugo Chavez dead: Dick Cheney insists they’re hiding WMD’s in his body.

Hugo Chavez dead: Kathryn Bigelow says she was disappointed to find out SEAL Team Six didn’t kill him, stopping her movie plans.

Hugo Chavez dead: Donald Trump demands long form death certificate.
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Hugo Chavez dead: Sarah Palin says she can see his corpse from her back yard. And she read it in a bunch of magazines and newspapers.

Hugo Chavez dead: Bane upset as he did not give Hugo permission to die.

Hugo Chavez dead: Still getting laid more than Aquaman.

It’s sinkhole season in Florida! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Duck Season! BLAM!

3/7

North Korea threatens US with nuclear strike: Okay fine, but can we pick the target?

3/8

I was going to do a Michael Jackson impersonation, but I couldn’t get any kids to volunteer.

Mental Gymnastics should be an Olympic sport.