BWAHAHA: 8/30 – 9/5

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/30 – 9/5: This was one of those weeks where work was driving me crazy. Hey, let’s take a facility contract that’s been on hold for almost two years and roll it out in two weeks! Wait, you mean I essentially have two weeks to get over a month’s amount of work done? Oh, and then you’re gonna go apeshit when you find out two days before the install that stuff’s not done? Well gosh, maybe you shoulda fuckin’ thunk that shit through beforehand!

But at least I got to chase a few storms this week and ended the weekend with friends at a wedding. While that’s great for my friends who got married, my girlfriend and I both looked at each other with the “nope, never” eyes. And that’s why I love her!

OTHER STUFF:

Thanks to the three peeps who stopped to ask, “You okay?” while I was parked on the side of the road shooting storms. Yep, unless we’re talking about my head.

Ha ha! My magic weather bubble is working! BWAHAHA!

What is up with the crazy models on the new invest?

Why is Beefy Fritos Burritos so hard to say sober? Taco Bell should call them Fritorritos!

I present Exhibit A against my girlfriend’s insistence that I don’t pay attention when driving:

While my Magic Weather Bubble keeps me dry, it also keeps me from chasing storms. #ProsAndCons #Wizarding101

It’s not real cooking without a fire! Turned off burner and let it burn out.

Kids playing in Bicentennial Park, Nashville. #FavNashPic
Wrong Nash? Nope, screw that Nash guy.

Seriously….

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

I can’t tell if my glasses are smudged or if I’m at a vape meet.

#facebookdown – so go ahead and reintroduce yourself to that Google+ account you never used.

I’m pretty sure #facebookdown was a Twitter conspiracy to drive traffic to Twitter.

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” – Joan Rivers. Tupperware is waiting. #RIPJoanRivers

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because this is the way the school year always started when I went to school! Yeah. Right.

No wonder Sasquatch is always so angry in those commercials: he’s a drunkard!

When asked why he hit the mannequin, John replied, “I thought it was Justin Bieber.”

When otters get Ebola.

We really need more ATMs installed in the Death Star.

“OMG, I’m going to find the person who leaked my photos and beat the shit out of them with this pink baseball bat!”

Atlanta PD will be transporting this prisoner to Block AA-23, Cell 2187.

Ronald refused to honor the restraining order obtained by Burger King.

The set of Batman Vs Superman got a little carried away.

When taking weather photos, make sure no animals are mating in the photo. Or go out of the way to make sure they are.

OMG! Someone built a Need for Speed road!

Okay McDonald’s, stop giving Japan special treatment and bring this awesome to the states: especially near me.

BWAHAHA: 2/1 – 2/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/1 – 2/7: I got to spend the beginning of the week in Fort Myers and Naples, Florida, where I enjoyed 85 degree weather for a few days. After being stuck in ice in the Florida panhandle and arctic temperatures in northern Alabama, it was a refreshing change. I even got a bit of sunburn on my driving elbow. My friends were mad at me for posting about it on Facebook. Jealous fuckers.

Then there was the Super Bowl. There really wasn’t anything super about it this year: the commercials sucked, the Broncos sucked (fuck ‘em), the halftime show sucked. The best part was watching the Seahawks finally win a Super Bowl after waiting 30 years for it! No, I take that back, the best part was watching all the Broncos fans whine.

2/1

Obligatory prison selfie.

I got divorced and now all my friends are getting married. You’re welcome, fuckers! #OfficialFifthWheel

2/2

I had to listen to the 1st Quarter on the radio while driving. Felt weird until I saw other drivers cheering when I did. #SuperBowl

Oh no, I like football! The horror! C’mon, sport shaming people? Really? Fuck you. #SuperBowl

Seattle Seahawks should hire Manning to be their QB, since he keeps throwing them the football. #SuperBowl

Singing America the Beautiful in foreign languages Coke? Oh, that’s gonna piss off the Conservatards. #SuperBowl

Coke sings American the Beautiful in foreign languages & now a Cosmos ad? Poor conservatards got it rough this #SuperBowl.

Anyone else remember when Halftime Shows were actually shows and not mini concerts? #SuperBowl

When did the Temptations get a new singer? #HalftimeShow

Called it! #CokeRage

Okay, maybe the Broncos smoked too much pot before coming on the field… #SuperBowl

This is just a fucking slaughter! Kinda feel bad for the Broncos… wait, no I don’t. #SuperBowl

“Is there anything more American than America?” – Chrysler
That’s a trick question! The answer is Soviet Russia! #SuperBowl

Broncos fans be like, it’s playing at sea level, the field was wet, or other excuses. #DenverChoke

So what are they going to do with all the unused Denver confetti? #SuperBowl

Donate the unused Denver confetti to New Jersey homeless people to use as insulation in their cardboard boxes! #SuperBowl

Downtown Seattle…

Chevrolet just gave a truck away to someone who could afford to buy 10,000 of them on his own. #SuperBowl

American football team Broncos found dead in their Manhattan apartment with a needle in their arm, police say.

Philip Seymour Offman

Curt Clawson (Republican Congressional candidate for Florida) just said, “I’m a baller” on the news.

2/3

Lesson Hollywood hasn’t learned yet: making good actors play evil people makes them kill themselves.

Ever notice how the loudest people complaining about “speak English in ‘Murica” are ones who haven’t mastered English themselves?

I enjoyed 82 degree weather with 62% humidity today. Even got a bit of a tan on my driving arm. #UpYoursPolarVortex!

Every time I think I’ve encountered all the porn on the Internet… someone invents a new fetish.

2/4

I feel your pain, kid. I feel your pain.

I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn today out in the 86 degree weather. #DamnYouPolarVortex!

All your bench are belong to tree.

I got nothin’… Anyone explain this?

Wait, they sell this now? WTF Kroger & Publix? Get on it!

I love how Nye keeps referring to “traditional scientists” and “how science is done out there.” #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham, if the natural laws didn’t change (because god made them), then how come rainbows didn’t exist until after the flood? #NyeVsHamDebate

Bill Nye is struggling to not make a WTF face. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, I’m going to ignore all your questions by pointing out the one question you didn’t answer. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, “Depends on what your definition of IS is.” #NyeVsHamDebate

My car has made an appearance in several people’s Facebook Lookback videos. Can’t decide if that’s weird or cool.

2/5

We always look forward to getting back to our beds after being on the road, but it dawned on me tonight that we look forward to our brand of toilet paper as well, even if we don’t consciously think about it.

2/7

12 Banshees, 8 Giant Skeletons, 8 Sekeleton Mage, and a giant Undead Dragon in one room: game’s fucking with me now.

If everyone keeps making fun of Russia over #Sochi, they’re gonna launch their nukes. You’ll start WWIII, kid!

BWAHAHA: 1/4 – 1/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/4 – 1/10: This was mostly a boring week for me. I was able to finally get to an Open Mic locally after a four month hiatus. It was great getting back in front of an audience, even if three quarters of them were drunk and not paying attention to me at all.

1/4

If I ever get married again, this is what I want her to be doing when we are 75.

1/5

Police: To Protect and To SERVE!

Why Bugs Bunny didn’t make the left turn at Albuquerque.

Some people are living the GTA5 life away from their gaming console.

1/6

Paranormal Activity 6: Spongebob Scarypants

The problem with putting on a sweatshirt out of the dryer is it makes you realize how cold the rest of your body is.

Judgment Day is every day for me: I judge people for their stupid beliefs at least three or four times a day.

Football is the only thing in Alabama drawing bigger crowds than church or KKK rallies, though it’s hard to separate those two things.

1/7

Oh, Santa finally delivered my gift!

Having used up all the oil from dinosaurs, oil companies are tapping a new resource…

Using any petroleum-based lubricant for sex/masturbation is technically necrophilia.

Sweatshirt: check. Spring Jacket: check. Winter coat: umm… errr… umm… Fuck, I don’t own a winter jacket.

I feel bad for the woman standing next to me. It’s so cold that her frost indicators fell off.

Apparently, Honey got a Boo Boo.

I used ghost pepper flakes in my sausage: I’m actually kinda scared to take a bite.

1/8

Some men have a problem with butterface women, but I have a problem with butterfaith women.

Annie was an embarrassed millionaire until she met Daddy Warbucks. #RepublicanPropagandaFilms

Sometimes I think humans are descended from Homo Aspergensis.

Here, let me get that for you.

New video, Librarians Gone Wild.

Must be a Chik-Fil-A parking lot.

Overheard at the bar, “Get your stories straight or this conversation is over.” Damn pushy bartender.

1/9

Life: “Oh, you saved a bit of money to do something fun for yourself? Yeah, I’m gonna kill your car battery. Oh, and that battery is going to cost more than you saved up.”

The cat wants desperately inside my house… so it can ask to go back outside two minutes later. Fuck him, he’s a long-haired cat with a massive winter coat. He’ll be just fine. Well, c’mon, he survived the last two nights in teen temperatures and tonight’s going to be in the mid-thirties. He’s fine.

1/10

Just listened to the new John Denver song, “West Virginia Rivers.” It really stunk.

A woman on Lulu hashtagged me as #DoesntKnowIExist. Well yeah, because I’m not a psychic! You gotta tell me!

So a friend of mine posted this picture:

Here are my replies to this picture:
Step three feet back and grab my shotgun: fully loaded and one in the chamber. Just have to push the safety button, conveniently located right next to the trigger.
Stop taking hallucinogens.
Call the dog catcher.
Tell my girlfriend to go back downstairs.
Start doing an Irish jig… werewolves hate that shit!
Reconsider my decision to go back to Plenty of Fish for dating.
Throw the person in the wheelchair down the stairs: it’s food for the werewolf and an obstacle for it to get over… giving me time to escape.
Remind my girlfriend, once again, that I asked her to shave.
Decide to put my kid back on Ritalin.
Throw the underwear I just had to change down the stairs.
Stand in front of a mirror and say, “Van Helsing, Van Helsing, Van Helsing.” I hear that works just like Candyman and Beetlejuice.
Turn to my friends and ask, “Okay, which one of you pissed off Chewbacca?”
Accept my fate and yell, “It’s shredding time!”
Call Corey Haim and Gary Busey: they killed a werewolf once.
I knew Jazzercise would come in handy one day! Cardio… cardio… cardio…

Do Atheists Fail In Relationships?

Atheists actually do better than theists do.

This statement refers back to religious morality. It should say, “Atheists fail in relationships and marriage because it is not sanctioned by God.”

Atheists have a lower divorce rate than religionists. Atheists do not rely on an invisible man to solve their relationship and marital problems: they rely on communication with each other.

Marriage has nothing to do with God, even if the ceremony does for many people. Marriage is about two people that love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together in a monogamous relationship. The theistic view of no sex before marriage and no cohabitation prior to marriage actually sets marriage up to fail. How do you know that you can live with someone for the rest of your life if you have no experience in living with him or her or experience in sexuality with him or her? No matter what theists say – sex and sexuality are a major part of any marriage.

Christianity puts unfair expectations on marriage for Christian couples. Do not talk to each other, pray to God, and he will solve your marriage strife. Is that sound advice for married couples? Does prayer end our differences and create peace in a marriage? Nope.

Which denomination has the highest and lowest divorce rates in the United States? The highest divorce rate in the United States goes to Judaism at 33% followed by Baptists at 29%. The lowest divorce rate in the United States goes to Atheists/Agnostics at 21%.

Perhaps the cohabitation and sex before marriage are good after all. Perhaps discussing our problems with each other instead of praying to an imaginary friend that cannot solve our problems is better. You bet its better!

Atheists succeed in relationships because they have realistic expectations of that relationship. Atheists realize that in order to solve a problem you discuss the problem with your partner; that God does not cure broken marriages – couples cure broken marriages. Atheist couples are not afraid to seek the mediator help of a marriage counselor because they know that prayer and God as a mediator do not work.

Can Atheists Marry Theists?

Yes, atheists can marry theists – there is no law against it. Although several churches, especially the Catholic Church, will not marry their adherents to non-adherents. Try to convince a priest of your local Catholic church to marry a Catholic parishioner to an atheist.

While there are no laws against it and many churches could not care less (Perhaps they secretly hope the marriage will convert the atheist?) I personally do not recommend this type of marriage. Allow me to elaborate…

The problem is that someone has to give up his or her beliefs completely, keep them in check, or both have to significantly compromise on their beliefs. Many times, they have to keep their beliefs hidden or subdued in order to keep the arguments at a minimum.

When the difference is religious beliefs (such as a Christian marrying a Muslim) at least there is a common thread; a belief in god(s).

When the religious difference is the lack of belief, then the problem becomes more complicated. One of the couple will feel pressured into discounting their beliefs for sake of the other’s beliefs or making compromises that they normally would not make in order to “keep the peace.” Either way they are giving up their beliefs for the wrong reasons.

Will you have a religious wedding or a secular wedding? Who gets to decide?

I know a few couples that have made it in their marriage by keeping the subject of religion off limits. One goes to church on Sunday and the other stays home. One says grace before eating and the other digs right in. One says prayers while the other is falling asleep.

There is a catch: they do not have kids. When children enter the equation, things start to get complicated.

How will they raise their children? Will they raise the children Christian or atheist? Who will make that determination? When children are born then religion will become a hot topic in the house. A topic that will force someone to cave in, which can cause an underlying resentment in the marriage. Resentment can destroy a marriage from its foundation.

Can it work? With hard work and lots of compromise, understanding and giving up a little of one’s personality – yes. Do I recommend it? Nope.

I know more couples that have divorced because of religious differences. Recently in the news was the break-up and divorce of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda after Jane Fonda was born-again. They could not live together amicably after Hanoi Jane found God. Jane was cheating on Ted – cheating with an invisible man.

Besides the public limelight of Ted & Jane, I know of many everyday couples that have suffering marriages because of religious fighting. I know of many everyday couples that are divorced because of that fighting. One of the couple becomes an atheist and the other does not. One becomes born-again and more devout (the most radical Fundamentalist is a born-again) while the other remains liberal or a non-believer. This major social clash causes major conflicts (especially when children are involved) and resentment.

I will grant the exceptions. I will even grant that in some countries this does not seem to be much of an issue on the face. A recent writer from Brazil informed me that in her country there is no strife over this issue. However, when I raised the issue of children she said that most children went to Catholic school, regardless of the parent’s religious differences.

When it came right down to it, the issue of raising children in a religiously mixed household was still an issue – even in the very liberal area of Brazil – whether it was a in-your-face social issue or not.

In America, we have made it an in-your-face social issue. Catholic schools and private religious schools compete with public schools. They bicker amongst each other and their denominations. Many churches have their own schools. Where I live there are two Baptist schools, one Assembly of God school, two “non-denominational” schools, and four Catholic schools. That does not even begin to touch all the religious colleges in the area; from Jesuit to Baptist.

Parents brought up in different denominations or with differing religions and religious beliefs, bicker over which school the child will attend. One thinks a public education is better but the other parent wants the child to learn Creationism instead of biology.

Even in my house, where atheism, agnosticism, and Unitarian Universalism reign supreme, the children are often the brunt of arguments of religiosity. Is it okay for them to go to Sunday school with a neighborhood friend? What church is it? How radical is that church? Can they attend the Vacation Bible School their friends invited them to attend on Sunday?

Will you capitulate to your bride’s demand for a religious wedding ceremony?

I often look back on the arguments we have about my children when it comes to religion and laugh. I laugh because it all seems so trivial compared to the arguments that occur in a mixed house. Imagine the strife created when a Baptist mother tells the Catholic father that her children are not going to Sunday school at the church of the whore of Babylon!

While I jest, this issue is a serious one for many couples in the United States – where religion plays a prominent role in the social structure of our society. Religious pressure from family and friends and within the marriage can create resentment and hostility – two things that can destroy a marriage’s foundation.

As I said above, I will grant the exceptions – as not everyone is so deep into their religion that they create a problem where no problem should exist. I have received several emails from religiously mixed marriages that aver that they are doing fine. Out of all of the ones that I have gotten – only a very small percentage had children and of those only a couple had children that were in school.

The non-mainstream religions tend to do the best when it comes to raising children and working out these issues of religious education for their children. Buddhists, Wiccans, Pagans, Unitarian Universalists, and other “minor” religions seem to work the religious education issue out more efficiently.

Looking at those statistics it seems that perhaps religion is not really the issue that creates the strife – perhaps it is the dogma. The more dogmatic religions have the hardest time resolving the marital and religious education issue.

As for me, I allow my children to go to religious gatherings with their friends. I trust that I have raised them to think for themselves. Obviously, I draw the line in some cases. I did not let my children go to an Assembly of God church with their friends because the church in Mobile is radically fundamentalist and participates in rituals that I consider unethical.

I wish everyone that gets married the best of luck. I wish you even more luck when children enter the equation, especially in a household with opposing religious views.