BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.
I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.
Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!
I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.
Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr
Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”
I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV
After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.
The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.
My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:
Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead
I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege
Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight
Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight
‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight
George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight
John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight
Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight
Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight
Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight
Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight
It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE
Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight
Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight