BWAHAHA: 11/23 – 11/29

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/23 – 11/29: Well this was certainly a fun week! I think my friends and I spent more time together this week than I spent in my mom’s uterus (I was born premature).

11/23

My dad drove up from Florida in shorts & t-shirt. Now he’s freezing in 8 degree wind chill. Moron.

11/24

On a cold night like tonight, if Dr. Sidney Russell were still alive, I’d suck him off.

What I’m getting religious family members for Christmas.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that Sylvia Browne actually saw it coming. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Protesting Black Friday and looking forward to a White Christmas? RACIST!

I went to a Sudanese restaurant today and was served a W.H.O. Food Pack. So disappointed.

This year I’m celebrating Thanksgrieving. I’ll start the meal off by listing the people I didn’t shed a tear for when they died.

11/25

#CelebritiesIWantToSeeNaked is trending. I wanted to put Fiona as a joke, but the Internet already provided naked Fiona.

11/26

My reality show idea: reality “stars” sit down and take the ASVAB so we can all see how dumb they really are.

Only 2 1/2 days left until Rebecca Black Friday!

My BCDC (Blood Cheese Dip Count) is getting below my legal limits. Must rectify this before withdraws set in.

The candle holder priests shouldn’t be purchasing:

See what I mean….

11/27

Anybody else old enough to remember as kids playing with that amazing toy: the stick?

When I was a kid I hated chores, so my motto was, “Hasbro before hoes.”

As a kid I got mad at mom for limiting my freedom. Now I’m grown up and realize it was silly, especially once I found out about Republicans.

I wonder how different America would be if “elections” were like Battle Royale.

Tomorrow, millions of Americans will blame their gluttony-induced tiredness on Tryptophan. #BlamingTheVictim

Critical Eye Podcast: E040 Thanksgrieving archive is up!

#GodHasBlessedMeWith cancer. Oh wait, that’s my neighbor. Oh wait, god doesn’t exist.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith great music. And by God I mean Robert Smith from The Cure.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith sustenance. And by God I mean Mexican food. And Carmelita, my French Maid.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith a great view. And by God I mean the woman next door who dances naked in her yard.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith satisfaction. And by God I mean Porn.

11/28

For Hanukkah I’m eating bacon-flavored Matzah Balls.

I wanted to say something heartfelt about Native Americans on this Thanksgiving, but then was like, “Fuck ’em, they lost.”

#ThrowbackThursday – 70’s curtains backdrop my 80’s self!

I’m thankful that I’m not doing an “I’m thankful” post.

I’m going to fight the legalization of marijuana for the sole reason that I cannot afford the munchies.

11/29

Santa came early. So much for the pulling out strategy.

I got your duck face right here!

BWAHAHA: 11/16 – 11/22

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/16 – 11/22: This was an entertaining week for those of us in northern Alabama. We had a terrorist threat in Decatur, Alabama as a suspicious device was found on a rail car full of Hydrogen Flouride (a very nasty chemical). Five miles was evacuated, tons of schools closed early throughout seven different counties, the FBI, ATF, Homeland Security, and other local law enforcement were on the scene. The bomb squad moved in, x-rayed the package and found… wait for it… wait for it… wait for it… two kilos of marijuana. Now at least we know that our local law enforcement knows how to react to these types of events (even the real ones) and they just had an amazing trial run! The train was from Mexico, so any minute now the Republicans will blame illegal immigrants… or Obama.

11/18

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, it swallowed the whale that swallowed Jonah. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big… the Philippines didn’t experience a Typhoon; Liam ejaculated. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big… it plays the inanimate Ark in the new film Noah, and was still a bigger dick than Russell Crowe. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Isn’t a good relationship or marriage technically “friends with benefits?”

It’s amazing how butthurt people get when they are emotionally invested in a fallacious argument.

11/20

Sylvia Browne vows on death bed, “I’ll talk to you after death and say, ‘I’m okay, go one with your life.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

Just before dying, Sylvia Browne said, “I swore I was going to get hit by a truck.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

BREAKING: Psychics around the world not the least bit puzzled by their failure to predict Sylvia Browne’s death. #ScamArists

BREAKING: Thousands of people thinking they’re original, Tweet, “Bet she didn’t see that coming.” #SylviaBrowne

Sylvia Browne irony: her doctor totally saw it coming. #TooSoon #ScamArtist

BREAKING: Talk Show hosts looking for new actor/actress to play psychic on talk show circuits. #SylviaBrowne

Satan to Sylvia Browne, “I knew you were coming.” #TooSoon #ScamArtist

11/21

I’m not afraid of death, but I am afraid of how I’m going to die.

Shit just got real in Alabama: Coast Guard has closed the Tennessee River! OMG! OMG! Panic! Panic! Panic!

Two kilos of marijuana just shut down 5 square miles and had 25 ready to evacuate. See, pot is harmful.

11/22

Someone mentioned the gay economy. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I imagine it’s a bottom’s up economy.

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

6/30

Getting whiffs of marijuana while sitting at my desk. Either someone’s smoking tons near my house or I’m having a frontal lobe seizure.

#BETAwardsPreShow, all these posts about B. Scott are really confusing me.

#BETAwardsPreShow, they just gave #KanyeWest his own microphone this year.

OMG, why didn’t someone tell me that Deb killed LaGuerta!?!?!?!

7/1

Teabaggers are happy today: Obama went back to Africa. I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s coming back.

I can’t tell if #summerknights is a new song or a code letting the Klan know they can wear short-sleeve robes.

7/2

#IfMyMomHadATwitter she’d never use it, because she could never talk in less than 140 characters.

#TheSecretToLifeIs laughing at the size of your penis instead of crying over it.

Technically speaking, a log cabin is a treehouse.

7/4

My friend is stuck at the Sheremetyevo Airport. Apparently there was a blizzard because the airport is #Snowden.

Anyone else heard that new Bangles’ song, “Coup Like An Egyptian?”

Apparently the Egyptians don’t like The Smiths, as they just kicked #Morsi out.

Celebrating July 4th by kicking a Native American in the balls. Just feels like the right thing to do.

Apparently, fans of The Smiths have decided to fight back and get #Morsi back into Egypt.