BWAHAHA: 5/10 – 5/16

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/10 – 5/16: On the 10th I participated in The Gong Show here in Huntsville, put on by Clockwork Comedy. I was the first contestant to not get gonged and one of only three contestants to not get gonged during the entire show. I performed the song “Things Creationists Hate.” Unfortunately, I did not know about the lightning round and had no other material prepared, so I just did Edelweiss. I considered doing it as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Louis Armstrong, but just sang it normally. Later, after I got gonged, one of the judges said, “You know, had you done it in a different voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn’t have gonged you.” Well there you go, more anecdotal evidence that going with your first instinct is always right.

I went to see Godzilla on Friday night and it was amazing. If you are a fan of the genre, you will like this movie. They stuck to the genre with the appropriate level of campiness. There were plenty of tips of the hat to the classics as well. The complaints I’m seeing about the movie make no sense to me. One is that it’s all “America, Fuck Yeah!” I didn’t see that at all. What I saw was the American military getting its ass handed to it. The one time the word “America” appeared on the screen, it was on the TV and the bit was making fun of tickers and modern news channels (subtle humor, but great). Another complaint was about things like how lucky the character was, how the nuke team got lucky to find the only Navy EOD tech who was just happening to walk right by, etc. Well, see, that shit happens in every fucking movie, because it’s called FICTION, but you only notice it when you don’t like a movie, and that’s called confirmation bias. I mean, really, there’s this 500′ monster fighting off a giant flying parasite and an even bigger parasite who just laid eggs, who eat and live off radiation, but that’s acceptable… but that EOD guy being in the right place at the right time, well dammit, now the movie has just crossed the reality threshold into the absurd! It’s like some people have never seen old Godzilla movies. Look, if you’re not a fan of the Godzilla genre, then go and watch the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla, because it actually wasn’t a Godzilla movie at all. People are funny. Just allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the FICTION!

5/11

Weird, Facebook suddenly became MILF porn today… #MothersDay

Damn, that butt’s so big I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor to Pluto being downgraded from a planet.

Those are supposed to be eyeballs… Yeah, sure they are…

For oral sex with squirters.

That’s racist.

5/12

Why am I the only one yelling, “Fight! Fight!” at the dog park? And why is everyone giving me the evil eye?

5/13

I posted a few Tornado Tips to help you out this season.

Today I was proven wrong… not all comedians are intelligent. Yep, all those scientists are wrong, but you, the fry cook, you figured that shit out.

In related news, since the announcement of Palin’s visit, the sale of Viagra to Republican men has increased tenfold in the Tennessee Valley.

The modern clothes line.

5/15

To me, there’s a huge difference between edible and eatable.

In 2002 I looked at this photo and realized I needed to shave my head. #TBT #Balding

It’s feeding time!

You should really be more aware of your surroundings when taking photos and video…

“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

For some of us, leaving the house without pants on is a nightmare.

Now who put a perfectly good couch out there for disposal?

I was fine with Katy Perry’s “Birthday” video until the end: then I was torn between erection and convulsion:

5/16

My cats aren’t killing the birds or fighting off the stray cats who are eating their food. Fucking Socialists!

Every time my stove timer goes off I have to finish the intro to Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4”.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is promoting e-cigs, I may have to just resort to cocaine. I guess e-cigs don’t cause autism.

Superman and Zod still did more damage to the city than Godzilla and two MUTO! #GodzillaMovie

If #Godzilla is an Alpha Predator, then how come we never see him eat his kills?

BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.